Cookies.

I've been with Lauren for the past like three days.

There has been lots of food, lots of talking, lots of singing, not a lot of sleep.

She says my house is welcoming and relaxing.

It is if you don't live here.

To an outside eye this house, this family seems lovely, seems normal.

You wouldn't guess my mother loves her wine by the bottle, and nightly.

You wouldn't guess by his charisma that Dylan is a failure or that Ryan is over emotional. And me? What am I?

I'm swimming upstream. I'm terrified. I'm under pressure.

My mom keeps saying to me how proud she is. And thats awesome because that usually doesn't happen- but she calls me 'college girl' and tells me everyday that I'll be the first Gamblin to really go to college my dad's three weeks don't counts I guess.

What if I fail? What if I get there and freak out? What if I simply cannot handle it?

Who will be her college girl? Who will be the first Gamblin to go to college?

I'm not saying that I think I won't be able to handle college- I think I will. Its just whenever she says that I'll be the first I think there's a chance that might not actually be the case..

Dearest.

"I am now officially yours for how ever long you wish."
You don't even know<3

Here's a hand to hold on to.

"Take a little time, walk a little line,
Get the balance right.
Give a little love, Gimme just enough,
So that I can hang on tight."
-Lenka


There are things that I don't tell people.
Things about my past. I tell people whom I believe will a thousand percent will understand and support those things.
I know you would try to understand, and I know you would support. But I don't know for certain. There are fears I have because of the past, fears that will possibly never go away. Fears that you've seen already, but just don't make any sense to you right now...
If there were a protocol for this it would be so much easier. I want to tell you. But I'm being so overly cautious with you that I'm stopping myself. Bleech.
We'll see.

Accepted.

The word 'Congratulations' will probably never mean as much ever again as it did tonight.
Tonight I received my first acceptance letter from a college that is very high on my list.
Two years ago I didn't think college was possible.
Now its next year.
Congratulations.
I did it. I made it.
This is being proud of myself.
My chest is swollen with the knowledge that I overcame.
And I will achieve because I was believed in.

I swore to myself I wouldn't sing of love if it does not exist.

This made me smile.
You make me smile.
Even if this doesn't actually go anywhere, thank you.

"Just curious if I could make the cut.."
there is no doubt.

It doesn't have to be the same.

"I work and forever try, but I'm cursed so never mind
And it's worse but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher, the more that I climb"
- Lil Wayne.

I don't care if you don't like Lil Wayne- but this speaks to me.
This is my life.
I try hard and get no where.
I know what I want and it can't be achieved.
Life's a bitch.

Another year over..

So its my birthday.
I'm 19.
Fanntastic.

Thanksgiving/Rhode Island

On 'Black Friday' I went to Rhode Island to see extended family.
Which was fantastic, I never get to see them and I do miss them.
But when I'm with them I don't want to leave. I want to stay there and become one in there hectic crazy lifestyle.
My cousin Avery is two years younger than I am (making her 16) and was surprised at how much we have in common.
Even though there's a state between us we ended up alike.
I met their friends, a lot of their friends.
One friend stuck out.
It could be because he had a ton in common with me, but I think it was because at 18 and still in high school, he was registered in the army.
He showed me his army ID and I wanted to pick his brain about what could happen to him.
But I dropped it. I had just met him, that would be impolite. *(If thats the word for asking "what happens when you come home with no arms")
But his best friend, my cousin, has absolutely no idea what he wants to do when he gets out of high school in June.
It puts things in perspective I guess..

Also. I hate the Turkeybowl.
Even though I probably will show my sorry ass there next year, I still hate it.

I don't want to sound repetitive but;

I'm having a really terrible month.

So, things have been going downstream. and it wasn't just one aspect of my life, it was a whole bunch of them.
I find myself unbelievably angry. The angry you see in a movie and don't think could ever actually exist.
I have had the longing to hit and punch and scream.

I have worked so hard. I spend so many hours working at this, for this. But you just decided I'm not good enough anymore? I don't think so. So I'm quitting. I'm gone. I can go home earlier. Fuck it.

I work and forever try, but I'm cursed so never mind
And it's worse but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher, the more that I climb


I'd rather just stop trying.
I'd rather just stop hoping in order to avoid the letdown.
I'd rather the world just stop and let me off...

broski

Sitting in my room with my baby brodder
"i'm going to go crazy when you leave Miranda. I'm going to call campus security and check up on you and make sure that nobody is creeping on you"
aw, baby. I'll miss him. So much. He's like my little brother/best friend/worst enemy.
He looks out for me and my mom.
Like if my mom has a date he like tweaks out. He paces but he doesn't want anyone to notice.
He gets protective, its pretty adorable.

Confession #2
I come off as either a huge bitch or a really nice young lady.
Never in between. And that drives me crazy.

I love Harry Potter- But I love Ron more.

"Dumbledore
watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears. 'After all this time?' 'Always' Snape said."
H.P.& the D.H.

I saw Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows [part one] today. Which is opening day.
It was very well done.

It made me feel very alone though- considering the main theme is relationships in this one. Between the trio of friends; between Ron and Hermione; briefly between Harry and Ginny; between families.
I want to be a Weasley. I want to escape my family. I want to be a wizard. I want a lot of things.
I'm tired of wanting- I understand I cannot be a wizard, I never received my letter, nor have I any magical ability. I understand that unless there is a REAL family named Weasley and one of them is willing to marry me for at least a couple hours- I cannot be a Weasley. But I can escape my family. And I will- someday. Not my family- just this house; this situation; this unhappiness.

I'm listening to Explosions in The Sky- Your Hand In Mine. That is probably not helping. I tend to be so moved by music and instrumental music even more so.

Changing the subject; Its 12:04 and I'm thinking of a person I'm not allowed to think of. And that's where my mind keeps going back to. Continuously. And I would rather that not be the case. Because feelings are complicated. Because you like someone. Because I'm Miranda.


I want you to tell me who you are now. Not then. Please.
I find you interesting. I find myself wanting to know what goes on in your head. Let me in there. Because I'm letting you in and I feel like its getting a little one sided. And that makes me want to close up. Just saying.

Baby Brodder

Today was my little brother's birthday, he's fourteen.
That's fucking crazy.
Not Allowed.
I feel old now.
Ten day until my birfday.

Think Of Me When You're Out; When You're Out There.

So I just noticed that I haven't made any confessions since making this blog, which (besides getting things off my chest) was what this was for.
To stay real, to get parts of my self that aren't usually out there out from hiding inside of me.
Okay SO.
CONFESSION:
i love dresses. especially frilly dresses. cute dresses. But I'm very particular in my taste. The ones in the photo are basically perfect. I want them to be in my closet and I want fishnets to wear with them. I tend to present myself as 'one of the guys' and tough and act like putting on a dress would make me melt, but I love it.
In fact I have my semi dress for Music Dept semi not only picked out and purchased, but hanging on my wall where I can see it and admire it and think of what kind of shoes and jewelery to wear with it.
So underneath my hating it, I am feminine.

I've been waiting for a miracle and I'm not leaving..

Fuck that you are you.
Seriously. fuck.
I need to stop.
Stop acknowledging that you exist, stop talking to you.
Þar sem þú ert alveg á mörkum í þúsund ástæður
But you're the only one that can talk me down.
I'm not saying that to say that.
I'm not saying that as flattery. I'm speaking truths.

I hate that it feels like you are living my life for me.
I hate the need to ask you permission in my life.
I hate that you accept it.
I hate a lot about this right now.

Ian- I'm not sure what the fuck happened in book club today because 1. practically nothing was said about the book. and 2. I opened up to you like a lot. I don't know if that was okay, but I felt comfortable enough. (I'll let you know when I receive a text about this) And I guess I need you to know that that was the first time I told anyone since I finished therapy for it. ALSO I'm sorry I sang loudly in your car.

Its strange to see that how I'm more comfortable with myself since finishing all my PTSD stuff. Like. I sang in the car with friends and didn't care. And I sang in front of people mod G today too. Hm. I wasn't good at silence before the PTSD work, I wasn't good at simply being but I am now. I guess that's what's important right? "its not where you've been, its where you're going" Well. I feel like that depends on how where you've been affects you. I hate his name so much I call everyone by it by a nickname that I will make up for them. That will affect where I am going. I doubt I would be able to date someone with the same name. It would be uncomfortable for me.

That could just be for now though..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XO2FwnG55l8&NR=1
<3>

This Place Is A Prison

My House is NOT as bad as it could be.

I'm starting with that.

My house has become just that; a house. I hate it here.

I want to leave, I needed to leave so badly tonight.

So badly I called Taylor. I wanted someone to pick me up. Anyone.

I can't handle it here any more.

Behaviors are learned- I'm fucked.

I've learned when you don't like something you yell and make it uncomfortable until it goes away.

I've learned that if that trick doesn't work you can always drink away your problems.

Thanks for the life lessons bitch.

On The Brink.

"And then she closed her eyes
Found Relief in a knife,
the blood flows as she cries
All Alone the way she feels'
left alone to deal with
all the pain drench sorrow relief"
-Hawthorne Heights

A month after I stopped cutting I would remind my mom how long it had been. Then six months. I used to have the date memorized, so I could get excited and be like "its been so long you're so much better now" But I don't anymore. I don't mention it ever was a problem.
It got bad to the point that everything sharp was locked in a box in my house. A couple weeks ago that box was emptied. Its not that I want to go back to my old lifestyle or habits. Its more like there's a giant magnetic pull on me for it. Whenever I'm in a bad place- its there.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine, everything everything will be alright, alright.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
-jimmy eat world


Continuous Repeat.
trying to feel better.

Constantly

"Every equation needs stability, something known. It's called a 'constant.' Desmond, you have no constant. When you go to the future nothing there is familiar. So if you want to stop this, then you need to find something there, something that you really, really care about, something that also exists back here"
-Lost

I genuinely hate that you're my constant. You probably always will be. I don't want you to be.
Everything you say drives me crazy; you don't let me finish my thoughts, you don't try to understand what I'm saying, you don't listen to me.
You have made me the bad guy in your head- so I will never be good.
I can't win. You've made it impossible for me to win. You're being insensitive and the longer I put up with it the sadder I get, the more depressed I get.. Being friends with you is masochist of me. it destroys my insides. It hurts me. You don't even get that.
I don't believe that I have it the worst ever. I don't.
No one has ever said that i come off like that to me either. Just to let you know.


I want to hate you, but I physically, mentally and emotionally cannot.

Come down and waste away with me...

I've been abstemious five whole days.. The fact that that is a big thing tells me a lot about myself; I used to shit on kids that had to relied on drugs and alcohol and "mind-freeing" substances to get through life, and I became one of those kids. I wasn't ever too bad though- I feel like that's what fucked with me. I never blew off a paper to hang out. I forgot about a paper. But I wasn't like ah fuck it.
In fact, I was kind of an over-achiever.
In fact, the kids that didn't over hear me talk about it or directly tell had no idea.
It didn't change me. I was less stressed and more forgetful. But other than that, i'm the same person.

I decided to quit for you though. And that won't mean jack to you. Because you will read this and all you'll care about is the lie, rather than the truth in this. Because you've pigeon holed me as a terrible person. I cannot change who you think I am.
But let me tell you this; I am sick of feeling that our friendship or whatever this is is some kind of retaliation towards me. All I ever feel from you is put down. All I ever feel is shit on. When I tried to talk to you last night I was in tears, literally sobbing my eyes out. Harmful thoughts. And you laughed at me. I can't do that. I know I was a bitch, I know what I did was wrong in a lot of ways. Do not use this as a chance to get back at me, because that is severely fucked up. I'm completely open with you and you shit on me for it. I can't handle that.



Book Club. Without even knowing it, you probably saved my life tonight.

Cold Water Surrounds Me Now.

Oh Hey J.Mraz.

So I was watching Palladium last night and this fine sir was on. This would usually get me really really excited and happy because I love him a ton. But i wasn't. I was melancholy.

He performed 'Anything You Want' (which is a mega fantastic song go listen to it) while we were talking. It goes like this;

All I want to share with you is all my love, it's all I really care to do
Champion the idea of one love
All people the same
One beautiful race
Making a home of this beautiful place
And be grateful for the precious gifts of life


Its a beautiful song.


I know what I want to say here, but I'm not sure how to say it.
I guess I'm feeling something called 'Well you fucked up for a solid year and a half so nothing can ever go your way again' yeah, that seems about right. How can you take my life and make any part of it make any sense? My scapegoat? He's in Rholde Island now- and I'm supposed to be okay with everything that happened.
I look back on my life and it doesn't make any sense to the person I am now. The pictures 12 year old Miranda took with Keighty while dying her hair for the first time with Kool-Aid- yeah I don't get any of that. But at one time that made perfect sense to me. I still have those pictures.
The things I said to you. The things that went on between us. Those don't even seem like they could have come from this body. I can't think of any other way to say it to you. I've said it so many times. I'm a thousand years away from where I was. I can't take it. ugh.

I want to be this kind of parent...

I'm not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me

I don't really know what I'm doing anymore.

I've just kind of been moving automatically- and thats scary to me.

But this bump on the back of my head is a reminder of how much I'm a fail of late.

I keep yo-yo-ing my life. Thats not healthy.

I keep saying "this week is the week I make a change"

And then by Wednesday its the same as last week.

This week I made a breakthrough; I broke down, prayed out, and sat with a Bible in my lap.

Fast forward to three days later; I'm moving automatically.

I understand that I'm setting myself up for disaster consistently. I get that. I would like that to not be the case. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I guess in that logic that I'm insane...

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

My college essay sucks..
Literally.
Its probably the worst thing I've ever written.
EVER.
what is wrong with me?
I can write when i don't need to, but when getting into college is riding on it?
Nope, how about you can't write at all.
Awesome

Its probably psychological. I know that its really important so I'm way over thinking it. SO DUMB. AH! I would really like to get this over with.

I am really sick all of a sudden and I'm not a fan at all. my throat is hugely swollen. And I CAN'T get strep. if I get strep- i'm fucked.
Strep -> Tics -> No School -> bad grades -> no college.
Let's not.

Lonely

Synonyms: abandoned, alone, apart, by oneself, comfortless, companionless, deserted, desolate, destitute, disconsolate, down, empty, estranged, forsaken, isolated, lonesome, outcast, reclusive, rejected, secluded, single, solitary, unattended, unbefriended, uncherished


So here's the thing..
I am alone, which is not a big deal in and of itself. Its the way in which I'm alone that is a big deal. Its the longing of wanting to be longed for, the desire to be desired. This is a really self-conscious place I'm in. And I'm not a very big fan. I haven't been self conscious in awhile so this is realllllly lame. I thought I was over this.. Apparently not..

"Keep pushing through, you'll get through it"
My entire life has been a 'push through it' and quite frankly I need a break from pushing.
Because I'm getting tired of pushing with no results. I'm tired of working my heart out for no reason. I'm tired of losing everything to get nothing in return. I don't want to 'push through it' I need this to happen, and happen soon. I'm losing hope, loosening my grasp.
I want desperately to be done with this scene.

Well I've been thinking a Lot Today...

This man makes me think a lot. If you don't know who this is- you should and I'm very sorry that you don't. This is Ben Folds. I don't think i could love an artist as much as I love him, maybe Ingrid Michealson. (that's beside the point.)
"i say to my reflection
god, please spare me more rejection
'cause my peers, they criticize me....
try to put it all behind me"
And I do I just would like to pretend like this part of my life didn't actually exist and we could fast forward through this. Or find someone who would understand what it means when I say that I feel like I've been placed in a land that I don't belong with people who I can't possibly relate to.try. Its not that I don't try. Or maybe am I like the one person in this place that doesn't belong here? Or is everyone else here feeling the same exact way? Every adult says these are the best days of my life. If that's the case- I'd rather not.



5:54 pm
I don't have any depth perception.
Both literally and figuratively..
Saying one thing to you could ruin the friendship I've worked so hard to get. But if I could see past this i could make a better decision. The thing is that I can't ever see past the immediate.
I think that's where I messed up with that last thing. I just saw how he made me happy and bubblily and smiles and i could talk to him. But i didn't think of who I was and who he was. I'm not the kind of girl he would go for. I can't program a robot. I can't name off Pythag triples. I'm like five steps below that. That's not who i am. He talks about things I don't understand...

So I'm documenting that at approximately 11 pm on 10/30/10 I gave up on you.

Fifteen there's still time for you.

This should not bother me.
I know that. I get that. I understand that.
But it bothers me. So much. it doesn't make sense that you're single. not only single but. with a youngen? what is that?
As a friend, I'm telling you to be even more cautious then I know you already are.
As Miranda, I'm telling you I don't understand what you're doing.
Not my life. Not my choices.

I was fifteen when I was with you. Maybe that's why its messing with me so much. We were fifteen. And you're going back to a fifteen year old. That doesn't make any sense to me..
Having a conversation with you at one in the morning about love. That was probably a bad decision.. telling you how I feel it needs to be proven to me now, that I don't think it exists. You telling me how we loved each other. That was weird. Awkward. Its still too weird for me to hear you talk about kissing people or holding other people's hands. Like with the person you were with it made sense. It was happy. That didn't make it comfortable to talk about. It's not that I still feel for you, its just that you were mine once. And you held my hand. and you said those things about me. and that's where my mind goes to, and I can't handle that. I love being friends with you. Talking about random stuff.

ON A COMPLETELY OTHER SUBJECT.
This week was my brother's birthday- my big brother. Dylan's five year's older than me and he just got a job :] which made my mom really happy.

ick.

I promised myself I wouldn't blog about you today.
I've promised myself a lot of things..

But I had a serious thought today; I'm not like you. I'm not "your kind" of girl; I wast thinking of the girls you hang out with, the people you relate to. You couldn't possibly consider me a viable option compared to them; they're so smart, and while i'm not dumb I certainly didn't get an 800 on any section of my SAT's. Maybe everytime you say I "amuse" you its because you think I'm a fool. jesters were amusing. So is the kid in class that doesn't understand anything. Is that how you see me? As much as I hope every time you scrunch your face to the side when I ask you a question that's probably really easy for you is your way of telling me something, its probably nothing and I'm probably over-thinking all of this. All I know is that every time I see you my belly has a happy explosion and I keep thinking of what it would be like to hold your hand. But that's my end. And only my end...

My mother has me in a choke hold and I am turning purple.
I am seriously going crazy in this house.
i cannot wait to leave this behind me.

Somewhere Between Unsure and A Hundred

This, is my 100th post.

I have a lot on my mind right now.
A year ago I gave my life to God.
And now I'm here.
Which isn't where I thought I would be.
I don't really think I can be in that place again.


Oh you and your being adorable.
How I can't get over you.
I don't think I want to.

The right person will stiill think the sun shines out of your ass.

My parent's marriage didn't work out. Okay, in all honesty that's being really nice. My parent's marriage didn't really even exist in more than a sense more than on paper and legal documents and such.
Most couples I've grown up seeing hate each other. I have no idea why they got married in the first place. For my parents, it was Dylan. They had nine months to plan and perform a wedding. (it went off like a shot) Marriage and love and everything that really goes along with that- I'm not sure if I can believe in love.
I'm very much in love with the idea of it. That it sweeps over you and makes you happy. I just doubt that it can actually work out. Its been proven to me that it can't more than it can. I'm starting to doubt that love even is a thing. Maybe you're right- love is an emotion that humans make up in order to reproduce...
I don't think that there could ever really be a huge moment like that for me. Any moment when I completely give in with someone and know I want to spend forever with them.. Most people drive me crazy. I really have a low tolerance for bullshit. I get really frustrated. I like to be in the loop. I like when things go my way. If anyone could actually fall in love with that, that's stupid.
There was an instance when I thought I loved someone, truly. I don't believe I really, truly, deeply did though. It was more of a "I am going to fall in love with you... NOW" and so I believed enough that I was, when I cared for him, but not before myself.
You should have come out tonight. At least after I decorated your yard. At least after you could tell that I wanted to see you. I made it so clear to you. There was no possible way that you couldn't hear the longing in my voice. And when you didn't come outside something happened, I got really sad. But you stood up to me. Maybe you were teasing me. Maybe you were being a jerk. Maybe you were just too cold. But you didn't want to go outside and all my begging and pleading didn't sway you. That's never happened.
I need you to know everything that goes through my head when my phone lights up and its you. Maybe I'm just becoming older and my human instincts are telling me I have to reproduce.. But I don't want to believe that theory.

also

Wearing jeans that haven't fit for a year and a half.
:]
These past two days have been awesome.
going to a huge thrift store with Morgster and her family
then tomorrow seeing Keighty and Sarah for the first time in forever.
Wow.
Life is crazy right now.

:]

I'm trying to think if I have anything profound to say right now.
And this is all I have;

I told you that you could ask me anything
And you asked me who I was.
You make my insides bubble and turn and explode.
You said what I responded with was "interesting"
when I asked why you responded
"Its who you are, how is that not interesting?"
I don't think you have any idea what that did to me.
you care to listen, you don't fake it, you're straight with me,
and I'm comfortable enough to be straight with you.
that means more than you can even know.

Sitting next to you is the best part of my day, I wonder if you know that.
hm.

I've fallen so far away from the place that I started from

"What have I become?
Something soft and really quite dumb"

Ingrid Michealson. I love how much I can relate to you. Its fantastic, really.

Anyways original point. This is nuts how different I am from two years ago.
granted I am becoming hard lately, I see that and am trying to reverse that.
But I'm soft now. Or softer. Or have softer tendencies.
I don't know how to explain it.
But i feel more of a longing to be close to individuals.
to search them and find their secrets and love them for whoever they are.


you have a lot to do with that.


"But you make me think that maybe I won't die alone
Maybe I won't die alone"

Finished PSTD therapy. for good.
Last night was my very last night.
We went dress shopping as a symbol of my re-gaining my beauty that was stolen.
A year ago I couldn't say his name because I looked at myself as broken and defeated by him.
Now I can look in the mirror and see happy and pretty and good things.
Because he didn't take them away. He just caused me to doubt myself.
I cried last night. Saying goodbye to her.
So much work, so much has gone between us.
I didn't cry in front of her though, I waited until I got in the car.
And I shed a couple "I'll miss her more dearly than you can know" tears.


It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference. ~Tom Brokaw
You made a difference in me; in my family; in my life.

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

When did we get so close?
As in talking on the phone every night?
Whaat?
I love it.
We're like best friends. MEGA like.
You don't hate on me for not building robots or making things out of clouds.
Thanks for that.
I'll try to hold my heart back.
No promises, though.
You make me laugh a ton.
I'm sorry she's too stupid to see how amazing you are.
You aren't naive, you see and hope for the good in people. That's not something that should be shot down or looked down upon.
You're amazing. Don't ever doubt that.
EVER.

The way we get by

So I went to Burlington yesterday to see Champlain College.
Burlington is my kind of city.
Its just chill; people just walk, sit, eat, do their own thing.
No one's rushing around.
I feel like I fit there.
also lots of beards.

Thanks for texting me all three hours there and back :]
you don't even know.

This is the soundtrack to my life

i've got some issues that nobody can see
and all of these emotions are pouring out of me

I'm really feeling Kid Cudi on this one.
I mean unless you're reallly close with me, you don't know whats going on.
You can see that some days I'm not okay and some days I'm good.
You can see that some days I'm in love with the world and others I want it to implode...
I don't open up to everyone anymore.. I used to, I'm not so naive anymore.

I find you so adorable its not even funny.
I don't go by the rule book... I lead from the heart, not the head.
-Princess Diana

I want to be somewhere where you are...

I've been thinking about your eyes so much that they're becoming ingrained in my mind.
You make me blush and my stomach turn over.
And I don't think that you even know that you had that ability.
[: and that's probably my favorite part about you.


Sometimes I think of you late at night and I don't know why...

How was I to know my first crack at love would not be the last?

This post is going to be obnoxious and talk a lot about the past.
For your own sanity you shouldn't read it.
(you can't say I didn't warn you)

We're teenagers
We count the years we think we're smart
But we're not
We don't know anything

I really thought I knew best with you. So many days I hated you. So many fights I fought that I look back on now and think why would you say those things?
I can't ever change what happened..
I don't think I was totally to blame. On some counts, yes. Others, no. My actions hurt you, damaged you.
I didn't think twice about them.
But now I can't help but think that I need to tell you every time I hang out with members of the opposite sex.
I can't help but want to tell you every time I mess up. Every time I avoid messing up.
I want to prove to you that I'm okay.
That's childish of me.
At least I know that.
So many people thought we'd end up married. With kids.
we thought that too.. at least i did.
I was really naive about literally everything with you.
And I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to find someone.
That scares me.
So I thought of you.
Because you were by my side the longest..
I messed everything up.
And maybe this is my punishment..
Eternity alone..
I know you read this.. so this was a terrible idea.
Maybe you'll be flattered. Not creeped out.
You'll probably be creeped out.
ugh. I'm sorry I'm such a waste of your life.

Let's start off with my overnight, shall we?
so I really just want to be in college classes, in a dorm, with a roommate, with new people, in a new place.
GAH. it was awesome. These girls just let me creep on them all day.
wow. i really just said that.
They called me "Maddie's shadow" probably because they couldn't remember my name, whatever.
so they were just talking about the stuff that happened there like SEX TOY BINGO?! yes. not kidding.
And last night they had a candy bar buffet! How awesome is that?! So awesome. Also it was free.
I bought me some comfy pants. Heard their gossip and watched Glee and Teen Mom with them.
It was pretty boss.

;]

This, my friends, is where I am going to be spending the night tomorrow night. :]
This, my dears, is where I would like to be spending a lot more of my nights. Potentially four years of nights.
New England College. :]
Beyond words.
I am excited beyond words.
I'm not nervous.
I'm anxious; I just want to be there. I want to meet my host student.
I'm leaving school early tomorrow to be there at three to meet my host student, to spend the day and night there. To pretend that I'm living there. To get an actual feel for it. AH! I'm so beyond excited. I get to talk to her and ask her questions that would be weird to ask an admissions counselor like "will I leave this school an alcoholic?" Things like that.
I never thought I would be here.
I never thought I would be comfortable enough in my own skin to be able to go to a college without a security blanket in the form of my mom or be able to talk to admissions reps.
But here I am.
I'm doing it.
There was a point where I didn't know or think I was going to live through high school, and now my future is spread out like an endless buffet.
(side point N.E.C. has AN ICE CREAM BAR?!)
That's crazy, not only to me but my mom aswell.
Mad props to her for putting up with this.
I'm happy that she gets to see the end result of all the hard work we've both put in.
:]

You see the Real Me...

Today is 10/10/1o
A lot happened this weekend.
A lot of positive change.

There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But You love me even now...

I'm sorry I walked away...
I'm continuously going to pray out Psalm 51.
I'm going to stay with these things that I've sworn to You in our secret place.


[:
Also I don't have to wake up early tomorrow!
AND!! Overnight at NEC this week!!!!
I gotta feeling that this could be the turn around.
:]

Also I think I'm going to apply to Gordon aswell..
hm.
[:

I Hate Weddings.

*listen to the song Cath by Death Cab. I really feel like that goes very well with this.

I was at a wedding last night and literally just wanted to kill someone the entire time. Its not that I hate other's happiness. That's not it at all. I just don't like everyone in a room being happy when I am confused and sad and scared. That really doesn't do it for m*e. It doesn't help that I highly doubt that anyone would be crazy enough to ever really want to spend the rest of their life with me.
I watched my cousin, Andy, watch his bride walk down the aisle to him. There was something in his eyes. He didn't want anything but her. I grew up with him. I played cops and robbers with him. Watched him laugh at a nail through my brother's foot. And he looked near tears. He wanted nothing but her.. I doubt anyone will ever feel that for me.
I find that now that I'm not as hard and cold I'm being taken advantage of. I wasn't aware that was part of it. I'm pretty sure that's why I built up this huge ass wall in the first place. Friends of my parents consistently tell them to watch out. To get a baseball bat because they'll be beating off boys. Maybe if boys in high school thought with the head above their shoulders. Maybe if I was a size 4. Maybe if I was smarter. Maybe if I couldn't burp the alphabet. But that's not me.. And I don't really believe that there could be a person who loves a belching, wise-ass, stubborn, loving Miranda.
Also I really don't have any proof that love actually exists. I've only seen one relationship my entire life that worked out. My grandparents. And they worked at it. Consistently.
According to birth order of the cousins on my dad's side I only have 4 left. One of them is already engaged. So three and then I'm up... I have a feeling I'm going to be "poor Miranda.." "did you hear about Miranda" "She can't find anyone to put up with her."
Maybe I'll go my mom's route and get knocked up and take it out on my kids for the rest of their lives. That sounds good.


I'm going to Reckless tonight.
I might be smite upon entering church.
Fuck.
I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself.
Maybe if He could prove it.
Maybe if He could make it better.
Then i could be okay..

Senior Pride?

I never gave two shits about Central. Ever.
I never wanted to be in the school.
I tried to transfer to Memorial.
I find that i'm trying to not hate this school.
Even though I do. a lot
At least I'm finding more of my own style.

I often thought of six impossible things before breakfast

Coming close to the way I was.
Waaay back in eighth grade.
Or even before then.


I need to stop thinking of impossible things..
They get my hope up and then shatter it.
I highly doubt you've thought of me since our conversation.
ugh.
I need someone to tell me that its stupid
or someone to tell me that its not.
Because I don't know..
blahblahblah.

This was a very girl post.

Losing Hope In Humanity.

I've given you so much of me and you've thrown me away.
But not before shitting on me and using me.
I can't hate anyone more than I hate you.
I want to destroy something, anything pretending its you.
I can't even express how furiously pissed I am.
You've thrown away everything I was to you.
I'm so glad to know that I wasn't worth shit.
I hope you implode again.
This time I won't be there to pick up all the goddamn pieces.
I put so much trust in you.
So much faith.
Thank you for throwing that away.
You're the biggest letdown yet.

We just run in circles..

Would someone care to classify
Our broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on.

It would be a beautiful thing to have someone to actually gives a shit.
ugh.
i didn't want this to happen to us,
I wanted it to be different then this.
I wanted it to be... more.
I know you're confused, i'm confused too.
I just don't want this to have this be pointless.
You can't always get what you want..
and some of us..
We don't ever get what we want.

And Our Cracking Bones Make Noise.

You say you're disappointed in me.
In fact "very disappointed"?
This is the definition of disappointed
What was your expectation of me?
That I would go on and be fine?
Where were those texts, love?
Accountability my ass.
You just like watching me fail.
You got what you wanted and never looked back.
You promised. You lied.
So whose the disappointment now?
Because I never claimed to be shit.
So fuck that.

Another thing that really is quite frankly really fucked up.
Reckless has 5-7 kids on SLT.
When I just stopped showing up, how many of you noticed?
When I avoided your texts or abruptly stopped talking to all of you, how many of you saw something?
None of you.
Its not the fact that you guys are supposed to be leadership,
you guys are supposed to be my friends.
And that doesn't really look good.
You're friendly when everything's going great and I'm happy and I love God.
But now that I'm here.
You guys are gone...
What does that say about you?

That's all I have to say about that.

Monique. I love you.<3

I'm glad I risked being bitched at and texted you.
I was petrified.
When you asked me who I was. I wanted to lie.
That would have gotten me no where.
Thanks for being a bud :]

blaaah

I visited New England College today.
And I fell in love.
So pretty. And the professor for education was so inspiring.
AND JOHN! dude. that guy needs a raise, I don't care what he's getting paid- its not enough.
siiiiiigh.
So many big decisions.

I have thoughts.

I've listened to 'Love the way you lie' about 45 times this week.
I think I lied to you, me and you in that practice room.
Me sitting there crying.
and you just sitting there.
my favorite part was when I asked you what you were thinking
"I need to finish these notes"
a steal knife in my windpipe
I just love the idea of you.

I'm getting a cough.
I know why.
But I could care less.
I want to be in next year.
I just want to blind myself through this year.
go become a shell and tough it out.
Try to get into college, then things will be alright.
Then we'll be on track.

Now that Leila has dreads I really want them.
I don't think I have the balls to actually go through it.
But I think I could maybe pull that off.
my hair is really thick.
it would dread easily.
it would be a fun experiment.

Its weird that I'm so positive that I know that I want to teach.
i actually just want to be in front of a class and give them everything.
Just all of me. I want to make them strive.
I want to make them want to talk. I want to make them be comfortable.
I have so much in my head that's ready to be fulfilled.
and I still have to wait.
And I'm really impatient.
:[
hopefully I'll get that internship at Breakthrough!!

Not that I don't believe.
Its just that mainly I don't care.
The things I heard or thought I heard from God
Just brought on pain. It ruined friendships with Christians.
It brought up hope to smash hope.
I don't think I want that anymore.
its not that i don't believe in God.
I just don't have the heart to care anymore...

Now 2 Reckless staff writing on my wall on the same day.
I should probably stop blogging.

Just Gonna Stand There And Watch me Burn..

Its kind of funny because when I thought of me falling apart before I imagined it quite differently.
I didn't think you would be involved.
I didn't think it would be in this world of softness.
I didn't picture it like this.
But here it is...
I guess I've known it all along that this wouldn't last, I'm not who people there think I am.
I'm done with it.
I'm sorry.


I have SNHU band tonight. I'd rather not be with a bunch of people I don't know.
But that's life.
I want to write a book now.
And throw my soul into it and burn it.
fuck everything.

you're wakened by the sound of your heart when its broken.

Can't believe we're doing this.
And all the secrets that we've kept,
Have kept us from the best of this.
The best of you and me.


I could write this;
I could write and tell you all about how this is going wonderfully and how his relationship that ripped the very organ that pumps my blood out of my body and onto the floor was a ploy to get my attention and return me to his arms where once again we would dance around each other until the moment where he would say to me, "Miranda, why have I always kept this beautiful like a secret? Be my girlfriend, let's be that weird awkward couple!" And then I would say, "That would be lovely my dear." And then my senior year would be continued with him at my side..

but all of that is bullshit.
so, that's very literally the opposite of what's happening.

So I'm frustrated and played and alone and upset.
Thank you very much, you play me better than a violin.
Ugh. I'd like to be done with this.
Morgan's house laterrr <3

I have a lot of thoughts right now.

So I'm going to try to organize them on here..

I'm sorry for this.

I don't want to be here. I want to be far away.

I want to be in college. I want to skip this year.

I would like a love. I don't think that its fair that I'm so unpredictable.

Would a guy be able to love me despite my being on of the guys?

No foreign language. second semester chem. applications. SAT scores.

I sucked at geometry.

I'm so far away from God right now...

I like Michael Cera movies.

Ryan. Mom.

I can't let my OCD come creeping back into my life.

Sigh.

Do I have this all under control?

Is it normal to think all these things all at the same time?

Is it possible to die from brain overactivity?

I hope Morgan has fun tomorrow. I hope I can shut up about all this for at least a day.

I wish I could find someone interesting. Someone I could disect slowly, layer by layer.

God's perfect timing.

is it possible to still think and know these things but not even be close to God?

Or has my mind been reshaped to think that way?

Am I really supposed to go to Cambodia? Because I thought that same voice said.. that other terrible thing that led to a lot of trouble...

Maybe I could give Meg that laptop I have.. It doesn't connect to the internet though.. Is that what she needs?

I just can't really understand my own thoughts.

They're getting to be bothersome.

I wish I was still friends with Adam.. He would say the perfect thing.

I can't dwell on that.

I need to straighten my hair for tomorrow..

So.. thats all for right now.

You Make the darkness flee...

I wish the lies that get spoken into my head would shut up.

Its one of those;

"I know God wouldn't give me more than I could handle.. but I wish He wouldn't let me handle so much"

FIRST OFF;

MEG; because you read this and check up on me.

I LOVE YOU AND I'M VERY HAPPY THAT YOU'RE GOING TO MZCS

that being said..

I will miss you as as much as I blink.

I'll miss you giving me that look when you know and I know I'm doing something I shouldn't be.

I'll miss the harassment... eh, accountability..

I'll miss the morning hugs.

But I'm so so happy that you have this opprotunity.

You've wanted this so badly, you've prayed and believed and God has delivered.

I will search for Chris and try to encourage and be encouraged even though I hardly ever see him :(

But you will be missed at Central.

ONE SMALL STEP FOR MIRANDA

I called a college today.
that was the scariest thing ever...
It was like this.
HI! I'm Miranda!
I'm super nice and friendly!
also I'm literally in love with your college.
and I also just found out my admissions rep is gong to be on leave and that sucks.
but hey listen, I don't have any years of foreign language, and that second semester chem.. its getting there..- but I had medical stuff going on. So I'm trying, honestly..
So.. will you still take me?
And then the admissions guy was like "yeah dude, that's cool, just do this."
(not his exact wording at all)

So. I'm getting there.
like. this whole thing is huge and scary and it makes me want to poop myself and run away.
but I want to get away to learn.
I want to get away to get a better life.
So I need to stick it out...
Even though this year is going to be a full, long, never ending, stressful, year.
It will be a good one.
One I've waited.. TOO long for.

Going to my dad's tonight because I miss him and because my mom doesn't want me this weekend.
I guess thats a bonus for having somewhere to send your kids when you get sick of them.
Sweet deal..

I hate band camp.

thats all thats really on my mind right now.

ALSO.

I'm really glad/upset that Meg wasn't there because I was such a swearing sailor.

I show up at school and immediately started making sexual jokes and swearing.

Its pretty gay how I can't be like.. "Oh thats not what I do"

But considering lately I haven't been feeling it..

I felt like I would be a hypocrite by saying that.

But I'll be fine.

Right?

I don't want to trust God with everything.

I don't want to move to the other side of the world.

I want to live the life I expected.

You could call the past week or so a crisis of faith.

Or something along those lines.

God keeps doing these awesome things in people's lives.

And its like He's separating me from everyone else.

Slowly... but steadily.

I'm on a little island of Miranda and watching everyone else's life go by..

Its not where I want to be..

and it gets me really sad..

I kind of just want to be done now..

just with everything.

maybe if I went somewhere else,

I could be seen as what I am.

What I could be,

And not what I've done,

Or who I've been.

And I'm just a little on edge right now

And you showing up today didn't help.

asshole.

My Online Gym Class Told Me To Excercise

So I'm exercising my fingers.
I found a loophole.

So yesterday morning was fun. even though the hour I spent in the sun now has my cheeks a nice shade of red.
I learned almost ALL the new freshmen's names! I was very proud of myself! I'm usually really bad at that.
BUT.. We have twins coming in. and there are ZERO differences. I even asked them for some.
Kyle and Keaton. You shall be my downfall at memorizing names.
But my old book-buddy Ben was there. Aw he's so grown up now. And a wicked flirt.
He's like flirting with all his little friends.
This is going to be troublesome.
But I have a huge heart for them already.
:]

Blech.
So, my not liking anyone is going SO WELL! (not sarcasm)
Like I just don't care.
Its pretty sweet.
THAT is alll i have to say about that.
The end.

College applications.
Retaking second half of Chem.
Rearranging my schedule.
Explaining to colleges that I'm not a normal kid.
That stuff happened. That I couldn't be in school a lot of the time.
And just pray that they understand.
Sigh.

So scary to lay yourself at the mercy of other people that don't know you.
They just have all your grades and your name.
And letters saying that you got sick, but you're kinda a nice kid.
Let's just hope that they can see that I try.

Because Its been awhile.

I miss SYMS. I almost wish I had chosen to go this year, but I know that it would have been bad for me.
I would have been more concerned with how I was the girl without the summer fling than how I was the girl with the greatest Lover. And that would have been three steps back.

I really like the place I'm in right now, I like being able to ignore earthly desires. Which is probably weird for an 18 year old girl to be saying- but I'm not my own.
Why would I be putting images of guys and sex into my mind when I want to focus my mind and my heart on God? That would just be dumb.
My body is not my own.
My heart is not my own.
My soul is not my own.
These things I've given to God, and when earthly desires sneak up, I pray that God would capture them again.
For God is jealous for my heart :]
That is astounding to me.. Completely.
Just think about that.
The God of the universe, Creator of all, is jealous for you.
:]

Love Is Here.

SO EXCITED.

last night/this morning was like the BEST MOST AMAZING God time EVER.

:]

This is why I'm in NH, I needed to be alone with God.

Like a hand print on my heart...

I don't miss you.
I feel like I should but I don't.
I always felt hardened around you.
Its not okay and I'm gone.
When I walked out that door.
I walked out for good...
You've impacted my life forever..
But I can't be close to you anymore.
Its hard and it sucks and you were my safety net
but its about time I did this on my own..

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend...

I can't do it anymore.

I really can't believe how amazingly uneventful this summer has been so far.

I'm okay with that, but I'm ready to start doing stuff.

MORGAN COME BACK FROM CALIFORNIA!!

I miss you :(

even though we text like 87645807807 times a day.

I wouldn't have survived this long without Ryan though.

He's so awesome. I have the best little brother. We do the most random stuff during the day but its always wicked fun.

:D

I wish I was in Kansas with Kenny and Cam.

but God has things for me in NH this summer so in NH i shall stay :]

This Too Shall Pass.

Ohmygosh.

I couldn't even explain how much I would like to punch something or someone.

I don't know why my heart beats a thousand times harder with you, its not something I can help.

I don't understand. I don't like you.

I shouldn't like you I mean.

Finals are almost over which means that school is almost over.

Which is amazing I cannot wait until I can sleep until two and then hangout with people until four in the morning. :]

ah summer<3

It would be nice to be so close to God and not be under a hardcore attack constantly.

Joshua 3:5

God told me to look at this verse during worship at Pulse and then when I got home everything in my life when to hell.. again.

So I freaked for about 15 minutes and then when I calmed down I went into my room and read the verse.

And here's what I got from it; God is surrounding me with chaos so He can purify me.

So I have to hold tough like one of those shells that holds on to the rocks in the ocean;

I need to cling to where I will be safe.

I will be hit by waves.

My life will be effected.

But my God will be there holding on to me too.

It'd be nice if you came to the rescue...

I think I'm going to join the Navy..

Not as a soldier, but as a nurse.

There's too much turmoil inside my skin to talk about right now.

But I will say this..

If I was dating someone and everytime I got really close with them, I got hurt and my life went to shit, everyone would tell me to break up with them.

Why is God different?

I get close and everything around me falls apart.

I don't want that to happen anymore.

Maybe I just want to walk away..

Done.

Giving up never felt so good..?

I was a bad kid I mean, I used to be a bad kid...
And I was really miserable.
But then I turned to God and presto; its supposed to be okay,
He won't give you anything you can't handle?

I can't handle half of what I go through.
Everything gets harder when I'm close to God.
So why be close to God?

I'm done.

So I'm going back to how it used to be.
The fun times.
When I had control.
When there wasn't any guilt.
Be disappointed
Disapprove
Don't care.
Whatever.
I've heard it all a hundred thousand times.

Dear You.

Stop Being So Adorable and Perfect For Me.
Thank You.
Miranda.

But actually.. please don't.
because I love the fact that you are who you are.
:]
Thats all.

Ick.

Wow..
Looking at the last post makes me even sadder and more angry at myself than I already am.
I was so completely unquenchable on fire for God NINE days ago and now I'm pittered out.
How does that happen?
I mean I wanted nothing other than to be on the street giving homeless people sandwiches and go home and just pray and sit in the presence of God..
And now I don't even have time in my day to think, to stop, to feel.
I start at seven and end at eleven. then I try to homework, make up and maintain a decent GPA.
Try to get into a decent nursing college to get a good job...
And my mom telling me how I'm not ready for college when I'm tired from working a twenty hour week at IHOP and a thirty five hour school week.
I keep telling myself I can handle this but maybe I can't..
I want to go back to that place where I could pray and feel God..
sighh.
the more I seek You..

Thank You Greggory, Jose' and Prison guy..

oh and Cam, Meg, Paul, Issac, and Steph..

for getting me completely 5829856302358% addicted to minstry.

I now live for this.

What God can do through six teenagers and sandwiches.. Amazed me today.

Ohman dude.

It was like a rope attached to my Spirit was pulling me along to who I was supposed to see.

Even when prison guy started swearing I wasn't afraid or nervous..

God was there.. how could I have been?

I just can't even get over this life, this testimony; All for His glory.

I started doing my Jesus leg thing when we were standing around after..

:]

I only do that when my Spirit is completely on fire.

Like it was today.

I can feel myself being sculpted into the person whom God has designed me to be.

I can feel my earthly self melting to the floor.

I never want it to come back.

This is who I am.

I Am Your's.

I don't know the person I once was.

To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you

Everyone has that one person that they can always lean on.

But what happens when that person walks away?

And the person next in line walks away?

And the person after that?

And the person after that?

And soon you're just curled up in a ball on your bed

crying out for someone, anyone..

Just to care, to want to be there..

But no one calls.

No one comes over.

No one texts just to see how you're doing..

Life's Not Blowing Her Kisses...

I would like to think..

that someone could truly love me for who I am.

but lately I really don't think thats possible..

I mean I'm loud and stupid and I act like a 13 year old boy sometimes.

and when I don't, I'm like a super control freak..

Who wants to love that?

Very apparently no one..

I feel so beyond unwanted.. I could walk into a room and no one would notice.

I broke down last night.. I really thought I was taking back the beauty he took away...

Apparently not..

Satan you win again..

You separate me and than crush me..

Why do I even try than?

"What happened to my little lesbian who drank and smoked all the time?!"

she died.. she went away..

Right?

or is satan just holding her back until I'm weak enough that I can't hold her back on my own..

I feel like everything is falling apart..

PTSD therapy is more than I thought it would be.. I thought I'd be able to handle it.

I can't.

I feel so ugly lately. like mega freak of nature, waste of God's time.

He makes beautiful things.

I mean.. look at the sky and look at the ocean and the mountains..

and than look at me..

I just don't fit.

I feel like the left over bit of clay that God just shoved together..

I know He loves me.

I know I'm made in His image..

But it would be so nice to feel beautiful..

To be told that I'm lovely...

That jeans and a t-shirt look great on me.

That I don't have to be anybody else but myself..

But that won't happen..

Because that's fairytale crap and this is real life...

My Place At The Table..

I take care of you the best I can, the best I know how to.. is that the only reason you keep me around? You mean so much to me and I don't know what I would do with myself if anything happened to you. I was so relieved when your mom came.. Please tell me that I'm not only just the person who holds your hair when you throw up, the one who tells you things will be okay.. Because I love you so so dearly and I don't want that to be the case, I want to get together just to do nails and masks... like the old days.. I miss those days..

You left me to take care of him, so don't yell at me for it being my natural response.

Because I'll explode.

Seriously I didn't do anything wrong and everything you're doing makes me want to scream.
Considering the people I lean on are the same people you do, don't take them away.
I understand you're going through a rough time.
But so am I. More than I'm letting on even to you.
You told me you wouldn't do this again, but here we are.
I highly doubt that this is okay for you to be doing..
You isolated me completely...
You're the only one I'm comfortable with talking to about really person stuff
and you just left me one day via text.
I understand you need space.
But I need support...
And I don't remember the last time I felt so isolated.
I'm completely cut-off from everything
and you know that.
I don't even understand why you would ever do this to me..

YAY!

U.S. History tutor, you are boss legit I don't think any other tutor I have would come over on a Friday at noon to come and talk about WWII for a solid hour. Not to mention that you have to drive half an hour to come see me. (:

A Taste of Normalcy would really be needed..
blech.
friends?
boy?
what do normal teenage girls do?!
blech.. I don't even know.

I'm Harry Potter, but not in that cool way where I'm popular and get to use magic, but in the emo ways. best guy and best girl dug each other? yeah okay thats cool. just.. a little weird, I'm not sure where exactly I fit in this picture anymore, I used to be in the middle, now I'm like.. pushed to the side. awkward. I'm okay with it, I am. I just am nervous.

You're confusing. I mean, by now you should be serenading me on the phone, but not so much. I feel like I annoy you, maybe I do. Maybe I should stop caring. I used to be interesting, easy to talk to, eay to want to date. what happened man? I put my boobs away and stopped putting out. is that whats good about me? blech. I'm dumb.

I mean I guess both of these situations would be different if I had someone, but I don't. maybe if not everyone around me had someone...? Idunno. Its like I'm a constant third wheel.. and I don't want to be any more.. thats annoying any dumb.

blech. i'm tired of this.

ALSO, I feel like I should be able to state that even though the past two weeks have thoroghly sucked, I haven't taken anything, I haven't used anything. ANYTHING.
okay, thats it.

and maybe I'm not as big a freak..

So.. I had a neurologist appointment today and that went well.
But I'm more excited about the two kids I met in the waiting room.
They both ticed. They ticed different than me, but they ticed.
We talked and talked about which tics hurt, which tics tickle.
What we do when people stare. How that feels. How we deal with it.
It was so awesome.
I'd never talked to anyone who ticed before..
It made me feel almost.. not a freak.
I was ticing and it was okay.. It was in public and okay..
That was awesome..
I wish I had friends who ticed, even though I wouldn't wish that on anyone..
But it made me feel really good for a bit.

getting the crazies.

Isolation makes people go crazy.
People end up talking to themselves.
Eating themselves.
I haven't gotten there. not yet anyways.
It would be different, if I was different.
I don't do well on my own.
I'm a people person.
Its understandable though;
I'm very aware of the fact that I look like a freak.
I'm aware that I make noises that make some uncomfortable.
I know that its annoying.
I get that.
its just hard to be alone all the time.
Its hard to have people stare at my making uncontrollable noises.

There are people I turn to a couple of them anyways.
And I don't expect them to want to come see me..
I just wish they would..

What doesn't kill you..

Ugh. I'd rather be able to control my body than go through this.
Flailing my arms around.
Making noises that don't sound like anything.
Bird Squaks. Dino roars.
..the norm, I guess...
I can't help feeling like a freak.
I know its not really me, but I just can't help feeling like I'm a thousand times different than every other kid..
Its so hard to feel confident when I'm doing math problems and flailing my arms.
Its so hard to feel beautiful when I'm contorting my face uncontrollably.
Its so hard to feel good, smart, healthy..
Almost impossible..
I don't like to complain about it, I don't like explaining it..
I don't like my dog staring at me like a freak.. even though everyone else does.
Everyone but my parents..
People look, and I guess I understand. I don't know exactly whats going on inside of me. I don't know why I can't control my body. I don't know why this has come back..

I hate this. Its so uncomfortable; physically and emotionally.

Thanks For That...

I let you in.
like all the way in.
you knew my every fear, every fact, every failure.
And you abandoned me.
you left me there bleeding.
We've come through so much and you just walked away.
And now I'm different around guy friends; and thats mainly because of you.
I don't even know what to say to you.
I'm glad you're losing your job. I'm glad that you're still single and miserable.

you made me so sad and you don't even care..

All I've ever dreamed of to come.

I'm not letting it build up this time, and I think that's making all the difference.

Worried and scared about my daddy.. its usually me, not anyone else.
I don't know what to do from this side..
This isn't what I'm used to, not whats comfortable.
But I'm using everything I have to not break down, but in a healthy way.
:]
I've made a lot of progress. Considering where I was a year ago; mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I think that this could be really good for me.

I Am Free :]

I'm going to ramble on and on about how amazing God is.
Just because I'm like.. exploding with love for Him :]
okay SO!
Wouldn't it be awesome to know and talk to someone who like knows literally EVERYTHING. who knows exactly how everything is going to turn out. who knows your every thought, your every dream, your every struggle, your every desire.
And wouldn't it be awesome to know that the One who made everything you can see, and everything you CAN'T see loves you. no total understatement. who loves YOU so much that He would give up His son to die in the way they killed criminals.
HE LOVES YOU THAT MUCH!
He loves you enough to forget EVERYTHING you've done, everything you will do.
Please understand that this totally BLOWS my mind in like every way possible.
EVERYTHING... Crazy.
GAH! God is just so beyond amazing. Beyond awesome. Beyond everything and anything out there.
phew. Now I'm going to go in my room and sing and pray and get excited. :]

ickyickyicky

Holy Moses! So tired man.
I've been exhausted for four days straight=NO fun

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE
Psalm 32!
READ IT READ IT READ IT!
:]

Having a goal is always either really great for me or TERRIBLE for me.
And I have a new goal; NCAVC<3
kind of like Criminal Minds.
(but its actually nothing like that in real life)
I'm so excited :]
I've started doing the FBI circet training today.
I'm going to do that everrryyyday from now until I get into the FBI <3

LOST is onn :D
LASTT season :] so exciting i love it<3

I keep falling asleep.. And I'm not sure why. Its creeping me out..
I'm also ticing like a monster.. NO FUN.

Hello Trauma!

It stinks that in order to forget this, I have to remember it.
All of it.
No fun.

Today was really okay.
I guess it was balanced out;
-Little one way to come into school NOT high :] good job, please continue to do this.
-Thanks for jumping out at me and causing a panic attack. Gah please just disappear.
-Chem made sense today.. no seriously it did.
-I'm so happy we're talking again, you have no idea. I say 'talking again' because I'm not sure what we are exactly..
-Those little God moments throughout my day were really noticeable today :]Yay!

Ohman! So I'm reading The Shining by Stephen King Holy Moley! So good. I love stories like this, stories that give me goosebumps. :D

New Semester, New start.
-Trying to do homework EVERY day.
-Handing things IN!
-Trying to be nice to Everyone so people can see God's love in me.
-Not giving in to temptations.
-Not giving in to fear.
-Not giving in.

:] This will be good.

fade away

So, I'm pretty sure I have strep. again.

I finished up my penicillin literally two days ago, and I have strep again.

So lame.

Last night was amazing.

I went to that place, that place where its just me and Him.

My favorite place.

I gave it all to Him, what I should have been doing. He's got this.

Forgive yourself, Miranda. It already gone to Him. Let it go. Anything that you've done, anything that's been done to you, just let it be. Drop your baggage. Be done with it.

Thank you, God.

You do make it go away, I've been gripping onto it for so long but its time to just loosen up my grip and let it fade away...

Think Of Me When You're Out; When you're out there.

I realized on Thursday the fourteenth I seriously owe so much to Ms. Mac..

I figured out that I would have never been able to make it through an entire semester staring at his face, reliving terrifying memories. She made my presence in that class a possibility. She's made me think of things differently. Honestly one of the best teachers I've ever had and will ever have.

I guess if I say thank you that means the class is really over...

Holy Moley.. Reckless<3

I don't even know how to describe last night. There just aren't words for that..

Just.. Beyond amazing.