I Hate Weddings.

*listen to the song Cath by Death Cab. I really feel like that goes very well with this.

I was at a wedding last night and literally just wanted to kill someone the entire time. Its not that I hate other's happiness. That's not it at all. I just don't like everyone in a room being happy when I am confused and sad and scared. That really doesn't do it for m*e. It doesn't help that I highly doubt that anyone would be crazy enough to ever really want to spend the rest of their life with me.
I watched my cousin, Andy, watch his bride walk down the aisle to him. There was something in his eyes. He didn't want anything but her. I grew up with him. I played cops and robbers with him. Watched him laugh at a nail through my brother's foot. And he looked near tears. He wanted nothing but her.. I doubt anyone will ever feel that for me.
I find that now that I'm not as hard and cold I'm being taken advantage of. I wasn't aware that was part of it. I'm pretty sure that's why I built up this huge ass wall in the first place. Friends of my parents consistently tell them to watch out. To get a baseball bat because they'll be beating off boys. Maybe if boys in high school thought with the head above their shoulders. Maybe if I was a size 4. Maybe if I was smarter. Maybe if I couldn't burp the alphabet. But that's not me.. And I don't really believe that there could be a person who loves a belching, wise-ass, stubborn, loving Miranda.
Also I really don't have any proof that love actually exists. I've only seen one relationship my entire life that worked out. My grandparents. And they worked at it. Consistently.
According to birth order of the cousins on my dad's side I only have 4 left. One of them is already engaged. So three and then I'm up... I have a feeling I'm going to be "poor Miranda.." "did you hear about Miranda" "She can't find anyone to put up with her."
Maybe I'll go my mom's route and get knocked up and take it out on my kids for the rest of their lives. That sounds good.


I'm going to Reckless tonight.
I might be smite upon entering church.
Fuck.
I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself.
Maybe if He could prove it.
Maybe if He could make it better.
Then i could be okay..