How was I to know my first crack at love would not be the last?

This post is going to be obnoxious and talk a lot about the past.
For your own sanity you shouldn't read it.
(you can't say I didn't warn you)

We're teenagers
We count the years we think we're smart
But we're not
We don't know anything

I really thought I knew best with you. So many days I hated you. So many fights I fought that I look back on now and think why would you say those things?
I can't ever change what happened..
I don't think I was totally to blame. On some counts, yes. Others, no. My actions hurt you, damaged you.
I didn't think twice about them.
But now I can't help but think that I need to tell you every time I hang out with members of the opposite sex.
I can't help but want to tell you every time I mess up. Every time I avoid messing up.
I want to prove to you that I'm okay.
That's childish of me.
At least I know that.
So many people thought we'd end up married. With kids.
we thought that too.. at least i did.
I was really naive about literally everything with you.
And I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to find someone.
That scares me.
So I thought of you.
Because you were by my side the longest..
I messed everything up.
And maybe this is my punishment..
Eternity alone..
I know you read this.. so this was a terrible idea.
Maybe you'll be flattered. Not creeped out.
You'll probably be creeped out.
ugh. I'm sorry I'm such a waste of your life.