Life's Not Blowing Her Kisses...

I would like to think..

that someone could truly love me for who I am.

but lately I really don't think thats possible..

I mean I'm loud and stupid and I act like a 13 year old boy sometimes.

and when I don't, I'm like a super control freak..

Who wants to love that?

Very apparently no one..

I feel so beyond unwanted.. I could walk into a room and no one would notice.

I broke down last night.. I really thought I was taking back the beauty he took away...

Apparently not..

Satan you win again..

You separate me and than crush me..

Why do I even try than?

"What happened to my little lesbian who drank and smoked all the time?!"

she died.. she went away..

Right?

or is satan just holding her back until I'm weak enough that I can't hold her back on my own..

I feel like everything is falling apart..

PTSD therapy is more than I thought it would be.. I thought I'd be able to handle it.

I can't.

I feel so ugly lately. like mega freak of nature, waste of God's time.

He makes beautiful things.

I mean.. look at the sky and look at the ocean and the mountains..

and than look at me..

I just don't fit.

I feel like the left over bit of clay that God just shoved together..

I know He loves me.

I know I'm made in His image..

But it would be so nice to feel beautiful..

To be told that I'm lovely...

That jeans and a t-shirt look great on me.

That I don't have to be anybody else but myself..

But that won't happen..

Because that's fairytale crap and this is real life...