I'mmm Harry Pottterr :D

Harry Potter Exhibit at Boston Museum of Science :D

SO AMAZING!

Hogwarts Express IN REAL LIFE!!!

Holy smokes!

IloveloveloveloveloveHarryPotter.

Best time of my lifeee<33

HolyMoley

MORGANCOFFEY!!

You are amazingg.

I lovelovelove you<3

Galen is such a sweetheart and I think he's awesome for you<3

You guys are so so so so cute together :D

God is helping me out a lot lately.

I mean he helps me not breakdown in public anymore, which is kinda a biggbigg deal.

I'm veryveryvery thankful for that. I dont even have to worry about it anymore.

I love You. Thank you<3

Somewhere Weakness Is Our Strength..

I'm pretty much done with letting you run my life.

You've had control, all the control, for way too long.

Everything I do, you come into play.

Every friendship.

Every class.

Every relationship.

How I interact with people.

How I over share.

How I'm afraid of you.

You have control, and I'm not okay with that.

I just don't know how to have the control.. Its been so long.

Maybe if I just could forget all about you.

Just erase you out of my life.

But it doesn't work like that.

I wish it did, but it doesn't.

I have to work through everyday trying to be okay with what you did.

You get to walk right past me everyday, look through me.

I have no respect for you.

I never will.

I'm sorry I talk about him so much.

He's just kind of destroying my insides and has been for awhile...

I'm so worried about you.

You messed up and you know that.

But you're going in the wrong direction.

You shouldn't be with him. He's distancing you from God.

Even I can see it.

Sure you're still really sweet and kind and listen..

But God's not really in control with you anymore..

I'm sorry, but it sucks for me to see that because I looked up to you in a spiritual way..

thank God for Meg <3

She gave me the push I'd been waiting for. The one I needed.

'She deals with kids with abuse in their pasts'

Thank you.

I'm excited to go to coffee with Jill.

Get to know her, see how we click...

If anything I need right now, I need a mentor...

Someone I can go up to and be like 'GAH HELP!'

Because I don't really have that now..

Ugh. This one's really long. Sorry for that I guess.

I have so much going on inside my head. Its like a whirlwind of emotions..

Like this blur of so many things that I don't know how I really feel anymore..

I'm sorry.. I'm trying.

But maybe trying isn't enough..

I'll try to work this out..

Suddenly I'm merging with grace..

I feel good about Christmas.

I think Nadia had a good time.

I was just really excited to have the chance to do something for her.

My family wasn't too terrifying for her.

thats good.

:]

I got A NEW CLARINETTTT!!!

diegsflygelqifg

I like peed myself! :D

so so so beautiful.

My beautiful Buffet clarinet <3333

Mine. wow.

Also...

BRAND new camera :D

yayayayyayyayy!

I missed having a cameraa!!

Unusually good mood today.

I wanna go see New Moon.

but I don't know who to ask.

ugh insecurities :[

Maybe I could ask him. He wouldn't go though.

Or maybe she would.. She's probably already seen it.

I'm lamewadtastic.

Apparently I can't really avoid him anymore.

I tried and it didn't work.

This really sucks because I have to put everything I've been blocking out to the very front of my mind.

Not. Fun.

All the emotions.

All the memories.

All coming back to slap me in the face again.

:/ really lame.

Though it won't be today, Someday i'll hope again

I don't even know what to say to you.
You made this decision with me.
and you run away.
I wish that everytime I hit you I could just have you to myself.
you don't even understand what you're doing to me.
Three days ago, you like me and want to date.
Today. You don't even want to touch me.
WHAT is wrong with you?!
Ugh.
I'm done.
(i'mjustsayingthat)

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.
I can't handle this.
Not by myself. But I don't want to drag anyone into this.
This is a pain that is unsharable.
This pain causes hate and fear. Tears..
Most scary of all.. vulnerability...
God. I have him.
butineedahug.
I need something, someone to cling to.
God. I have him.
but i'm not sure I can handle this..
I need some hope.
More than anything else.
I've forgotten to..
I cling to your promise, there will be a dawn
I just got its coming soon.
I just don't know how I'm going to be able to deal with this.
By myself.
'Get over it'
'You're giving him more power by crying, feeling sad, feeling hopeless'
'You should just forget about it'
No.
You have no idea how this has eaten me completely.
Acid-like. Eaten away at the very existence of me.
I'm so used to smiling and working on everyone else..
I can't smile and deal with this.
I can't deal with this at all.
I feel like one single person on an island.
An island too far from land to swim to. but close enough to see.
To see everyone else.
Being happy.
Laughing.
Being able to date and not be petrified.
I wonder if you know that.
I wonder if you even remember, or care for that matter.
I wonder if you know how my body screams for me to run like hell whenever you enter a room.
I wonder what you would say if you did.
If you knew how afraid of you I am. Still to this day.
How the dislike of you wells up in my body every time you get in front of a class.
I wonder how your friends would react, if they knew.
You.
Perfect you.
Straight A's you.
NHS you.
Talented musican.
Amazing athlete.
Rapist.
I hate you.
HATEISASINHATEISASIN.

Which one doesn't fit?

Yeah He likes his fishing pole..

So on Saturday I realized that I've given way too much of my heart away.

I know its stupid but I can't understand anything fully until I have a metaphor to go along with it.

Everyone and their brother has taken a sip from my water bottle..

I guess that it hit me hard when he said that you can't get any of your heart back.

I guess my hearts only half as full as it was at the beginning..

I want my future husband to be be able to have all of my heart (BESIDES FOR GOD)

and that can be the complete truth..

not anymore.

but I can try to hold on to the heart that I have.

I need to concentrate on holding onto my heart for two men; God and my husband.

My Future Husband..

that sounds so creepy.

so far away..

something I have to strive for.

something I have to save everything for.

something I don't know will happen..

Its weird to thnk of myself as "Future Wife to..."

To whomever God has made for me I suppose..

But the who part of that is what worries me.

I'M NOT PLANNING ON GETTING MARRIED ANYTIME SOON AND I'M STRESSED!

:[

I need to stop thinking about boys.

Because currently boys are my only option.

and I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a boy...

and you are a boy. Not a man.

Not what I need. Not what I'm looking for.

I DON'T need someone.

I just don't.

I would like to have someone close. Someone that I can like but not date.

Someone to have.

Someone to think I could date.. Someone that I could see myself with..

STOP you don't need it.

but it would be nice...

Hm.

I dunno.

God's gotta take the wheel on this one, because I have no idea why I can't do this..

Ihatedayslikethis.

I.

Am.

Going.

To.

Scream.

I don't understand how my mother thinks I can do the five things she asks of me at the same time.

I finish one to get yelled at for not doing the other four.

Thanks.

Merryy Christmas.

We're so dysfunctional..

She spent like half an hour in the bathroom crying because she couldn't fix the toilet.

Crying about how she's all alone.

really mom?

really?

because I have to deal with your shit all the time

shut up.

Don't sit there and bitch about how dad isn't here to help.

YOU MADE THAT DECISION.

Today is not a good day.

Beauty From Pain.

Every detail.
Every second.
Every look.
Every Touch.
I have to recall.
from my biggest nightmare.
the nightmare I lived through.
You can look right past me.
You have no reaction.
That makes you so much more a monster.
HATEISASIN
HATEISASIN.
Is it bad I have to yell that in my head every time I see you?

I wonder if you think about me..
about what you did...
about how you ruined me..

I want to talk to you.
I don't know how.
but I will.

Everything looks Perfect.. From Far Away.

Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

Ugh. its happening again. I can just feel myself turning off.
Slowly now.
Make one less joke everyday.
Hope no one notices when you disappear completely.
but make sure its gradual. No need to call for help, Miranda. Thats a sign of weakness.
You Are Not Allowed To Be Weak
Last time you were weak, do you remember what happened?!
I can't be weak. But I suppose weak would feel better than this false sense of strength.

I wish we were a thousand times LESS complicated :/
Dude. Can we PLEASE sort this out?!
All of my actions have been aimed toward a certain outcome that you won't let happen.

What does it take to get a drink in this place?

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart?

You confuse me.
and you hurt me.
I don't even want to do our handshake ever again.
Whatever.
if you can just brush me off like that.. then I should be able to brush you off..
but I know I won't.
because I know I can't.


This week was really not fun.
MINUSSSSSSSS;;;;;
morgancoffeey being the most amazing grocery shoppper.
SNOWDAYYY!
First pretty snow fall.
annndd thats it.
win?
no.

....What do I call you?

So. I'm not allowed to date you.
because of your sister?
excuse me if I'm a little.. bitter.
but that doesn't make ANY sense.
we've been best friends a year and she didn't even KNOW!
You confuse me more than anyone.
going out?
maybe.
Friends with Benefits?
you should know me better than that.
just Friends?
maybe that's not enough for me anymore..
I get it if you don't want anyone to know..
I do I understand.
But.. why work me up like this to let me down the next minute??
I wish I could be inside your head for 2 minutes just to know what you're thinking..
I want this to happen.
I've wanted this to happen for a year..
Don't talk about doing it and then take it back.
We know each other well enough to not let each other ruin this.

Not only you.
hardest chem test EVER.
EVER.
I had a mild panic attack half way through.
Why can't I handle myself?
Legit what is wrong with me lately?!

Can I just curl up into a ball and just cry for hours?
no, I can't.
why?
because I have to be strong for everyone else.
I can't let these people down.
I can't let them see me sad.
I can't let them see all I'm hiding.
All the things that are bubbling up inside me and eating away at my insides.
I just want this to just be done.
everything.
I just.. can't handle this anymore..
I give up.
not in the way that I'm going to go crazy and try to kill myself..
but enough that I just might start to shut down again..
but I CAN'T
not for me though, but for everyone else.
These people build me up and the I play Jenga with my sanity..
THATS NOT NORMAL!
"Hey Meg, how are you? oh me? I'm just fine.. thanks for helping me"
thats about to turn into
"Hey Meg, can't talk.. bye."
which turns into
"Miranda you're never there we can't be friends anymore."
Do not break down.
do not break down.
do not break down.
I'm sorry I'm a wreck all the time.
I don't know how to not be a wreck.

Adam. hey its Miranda..
Miranda as in the girl you call your best friend until she says something you don't agree with and then you run away from her and leave her all alone without you..
thanks for that buddy..


Today was a terrible day..

I just got something..

Reckless is the bread and butter of my relationship with God.
I haven't been in two weeks..
This makes sense in a way.
but also.. I have a big snack called.. THE BIBLE!
Well.. I'm off for a snack :]

Meg..
You amaze me.
I love you so much.
Anytime you need ANYthing.
I'm here okay?

Epic. Failure.

a shadow.
That's all I feel like lately.
I exsist, but not in reality.
Why am I so sensitive?
WHAT have I stopped doing right?
Why can't I talk to You anymore?
Everytime I feel close, its ripped away from me. what is this?!
I can't handle this.
I felt right again.
for like a month.
now I'm just the shadow of myself yet again.
How could I let this happen?
WHY aren't you talking through them anymore? When you know that I hear You the most..
I miss You.
I need You.
What do I do to get close to You again?
I'm sorry I'm far away again..
Meet me half way?

I just want to have this documented.

God Is about to do something amazing in my life.
I don't know what.
I don't know when.
I don't know how.
But I trust Him.
THIS is what I was born to do.
THIS is what I was born to experience.
THESE are the people I was made to help.

God, Help me, help them.

This is big. Monumental.
I can feel it bubbling up inside of me.
:]
this is amazing.

Cause You traded your life for Mine..

Ohman.
You know how everytime something good happens to someone they go "THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!"
well. literally This weekend was the best weekend of my life.
God spoke directly to me ALL weekend.
HOW AWESOME?!
so awesome.

Holy Jeez.
My Fabulous Four.
God is so amazing for putting the four of you guys in my life.
AHHH! TODAY! so amazing!!
"Meg.. You don't have Downs?"
"Next saturday can we get fat?!"
BEAVER!
FLAMINGOOO!!!!
Not caring that everyones staring at us.
Barking at people.
Telling people Jesus loves them.
You guys are beyond the best.

LAUREN.
I.
love.
you.
SO MUCH!
you have no idea how much you mean to me. Honestly, everytime you text me is exactly when I need you.
You make me laugh until I almost pee.
SO many times I've texted you and been like. I NEED A SUPPORTING VERSE GO! and you shoot one right at me. You have no idea how much I love having you in my life. Jeez. To have someone that I can just call up and be like "I had a wicked awesome prayer time today' is so awesome. for me. I LOVEYOU
I'm so happy that I have you in my life to talk to about ... EVERYTHING.
I love you baby.

MEGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
HOLY SMOKES!
How did I get by without you?! seriously?! HOW!?
your squidward face made me laugh so hard!
"is this a door? I thought this was a door?" You're like becoming my little sister and I love it.
Everytime I see you I just want to squeezzee you.
I'm so so SOOOOOO happy that your notboyfriend is making you happy. :]
I'm so happy you seek God as hard as you do.
I'm BEYOND happy to be so close to you.
i love you.

AURA BO BORA!
You. are. the. cutest. human. on. the. planet.
oh man.
sometimes you text me and I swear that it doesn't say "Aura" it says "STRAIGHT FROM GOD PAY ATTENTION"
You inspire me.
My Jesus Journal would have never exsisted without you.
ANd even when you didn't even know me, you sat with me for like an hour? just listening to me cry and tell you horrible things I've done.
and none of it even phased you. I was so amazed. You were exactly what I needed. a perfect stranger telling me that its totally okay.
I love you little one :D

I am Vindicated

Holy Moses.

I hate that you're so perfect for me.

I HATE IT SO MUCH.

I know in my head that you'll never EVER look at me the way I look at you.

But my heart doesn't EVER take that into consideration.

Its absolutely EVERYthing about you that makes my insides explode.

But its always girls who are terrible to you, never me.

Its always so-n-so's girlfriend.

I don't comprehend whats wrong with me.

I don't understand why it can't be me.

I don't get it, because I don't want it to be true.

You tell me the truth even when I don't want to hear it.

You tell me secrets no one else knows.

But you can't love me like that..

I just want to hold you and watch a movie.

I want to kiss you and be able to say thta you were mine.

I want to cuddle you, because you're a huge teddy bear.

I swear if you knew half of what was going on inside my head, you'd never talk to me again.

"I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well"

I need to tell you everything.

I dont know why.

I'm pretty positive you hate me.

But I want to spill my guts out to you,

but I don't trust you as far as I could throw you.

You don't like me because of something I did about two years ago.

I'm a completely different person now.

Don't judge the person you think you know, because she doesn't exsist.

We should talk.

You don't want to.

But I do.

I don't hate you.

but you hate me.

This is The Start Of The Rest Of My Life

From Now On;

No Drugs.

No Sex.

No Meaningless Relationships.

No Swearing.

No Taking People For Granted.

Dating BEFORE The Relationship Part.

From now On;

I live for You.

I represent You.

I praise You.

I seek You.

I adore You.

I yearn for the day I get to meet You.

I love You with a passion that you can't compare

to anything.

:]

Adam. You have no idea how much I adore you. You're truly one of a kind.

You are my BEST friend. I love you so so dearly.

Thank You for putting up with me for so long.

Thank You for making me laugh until I can't breath.

Thank You for listening when no one else will.

Thank You for talking me down like 64853 times.

Thank You for helping me get back on my feet again.. and again... and again.

I owe so much of the person I am to you.

You're beyond amazing.

I love you :]

So you know in the moviess...

When the main character goes somewhere and then walks out and EVERYTHING is different?
That just happened to me in real life.
I don't want to go through the motions.
I love You<3

You're my BEST friend.

You're there for me when no one else is. You know what I'm thinking without having to ask.

There have been so many moments where I can tell that you see through all of my defenses. You mean the world to me, you really do. You have no idea how close to my heart you are.

I suppose thats the reason why I'm so in love with you. I really always have been. Every single time I see you my heart swells so huge that its likely to explode. And I can't get enough.

You're everything I've ever wanted in a person. I've always thought that we'd end up together, and I guess you've made it really clear that this won't be the case..

I guess I'm sorry.

And on his farm he had a flu...

As high school students enter their new 2009-2010 school year, the usual expectations are present; the homework, the friends. Yet student under the age of 24 have a new worry to watch out for, Swine flu. No matter where people look the season, they see 'SWINE FLU PANDEMIC' and other propaganda about the new H1N1 flu.
Not only having to worry about your grades but about not dying from a flu that swept the continent at a pace that even experts distressed about. Only a week after hearing about the swine flu occurrence in Mexico, a school in Queens, NY, USA was shut down because of an outbreak in the H1N1 flu. The drastic amount of flu cases wouldn't be uncommon during the flu season, from November through March, but definitely not common for April.
Doctor Jose Montero, director of the NH health department, says that there are a series of goals in order to prevent the spread of H1N1. First Dr. Montero says that New Hampshire will have a vaccine in the middle of October, but for some that may not be soon enough. He does give advice to help stop spread it. The first step towards prevention is fairly simple yet overlooked too often, thoroughly washing your hands. Along with the step of washing your hands, it is also important to be able to correctly cover your cough. In order to have a properly covered cough, one must hold their arm in a bent position and make sure your elbow covers your mouth and nose. The final step is a hard decision, staying home from work and school when you don't feel good. Although it is commonly looked down upon to skip school when you feel the tiniest bit sick, even when it could mean saving co-workers lives.
Perhaps in this case it is better to be safe than sorry concerning the lives around you.

When The Moon Fell In Love With The Sun

I have no idea what's harder.. not hearing your voice.

or not knowing if you even want to hear mine.

This could be one of the most tearing and trying things in my life right now.

But I wouldn't change it for the world. Having the time I have with you.

Holding you like I want to. Kissing you. Holding your hand. Visiting you in class.

Surprising you on your birthday :]

but then there's that voice in my head that whisper

Maybe she doesn't even care that much.

I wouldn't blame her if she didn't..

I mean. I'm honestly not that much to be excited about.

I'm just loud, and bubbly.

I'm just a past and a future.

I'm just.. Miranda Elizabeth.

I still can't even comprehend how someone like you could ever even be attracted to me.

I'm falling in love with you..

and I'm too afraid to ask if you are too...

I mean we say I love you's.

but you've said that you've only said i love you

to one person and really meant it in a serious way..

I'm afraid I'm taking this too serious.

I'm afraid you're not taking this seriously enough..

I'm afraid this is all in my head.

But, I love you. I truly do.

You wouldn't lie to me.

Why am I so afraid of rejection that I can't even gather up the courage to ask my own girlfriend whether or not she seriously loves me or not?

I'm pretty sure that isn't normal.

I just..

your mother makes me wish I had a penis.

**************

Junior Year is beyond amazing.

I'm having such a blast.

I love my classes.

I love my girlfriend.

I'm in driver's ed.

I'm always busy.

I'm looking at colleges.

I'm transitioning to end therapy.

I'm in a really really good place.

:]

Where I Go When I Go There.

So, I'm in love with the most amazing human being on the planet.

But I suppose everyone in love thinks that as well..

She makes me want to be a better person.

She makes me want to help others.

She makes it okay to shoot for above mediocre, even if that means failing.

She inspires me and makes me smile and makes my heart burst every time my phone vibrates.

I sing to her and dream about her.

I long to hold her close every night and it kills me that I can't.

Well.

I could keep gushing about how incredible she is..

but I don't think I need to tell everyone.

What I know is what I know.

Happiest day of my life.

Was Saturday.
GAH! she's so funny and perky and wise and beautiful and deep and amazing in a hundred thousand ways.
Whenever I'm around I want to be closer and closer still.
I would crawl through fire for her.
She makes me feel giddy and like I'm doing all of this for the very first time.
Our phone calls last until four in the morning and we never run out of things to say.
She makes me happy inside.
I find myself unable to not smile when talking to her. or seeing her. or thinking of her.
She lights up everything around her.
:]
I'm beyond happy.

How We survive Is what makes us who we are.

So my entire summer has been a huge game of never ending catch-up, and I'm honestly incredibly done. I'm looking forward to school. To getting my license. To being a normal kid. but there's a pain inside of me, a scare. Once I can blend in, will I never be noticed again? Let me rationalize this. I have always been know by what kid of disorder I had or who I was with. I'm trying to break this cycle. Its gotten to the point where simply 'Miranda' isn't good enough. At least for me.

This past year was brutal on me.
I lost friends whom I thought I would have for the rest of my life.
Gained some.
and won some back.
I've come to understand that almost nothing I am is because of me.
it's always what I'm seen as, what I'm expected to be.
I'm a people please and I will fill any role anyone needs at any cost.

In the past two years I have been
needy
slutty
unneeded
taken for granted
loved.
lost.
completely hopeless.

I have all these moods in me all the time, and I don't comprehend how to deal with them anymore. They come and go and I'm left remaining, hollow. I'm just a case of who I was now. I'm a smile to mask my pain. I'm a 'hey, girl, hey' to mask a need to be loved. I'm an unneeded sexual comment to mask how empty I actually am. I don't know what I am anymore.

I pine for love, but push people away. I need someone to break my cast and help me gain back my strength. I would never ask that of anyone. ever. I may have found someone I can trust with that. I find them to be one of the most amazing people I have ever met. And they inspire me to be able to break out of my cast.

Let's start a brand new adventure.

When you walk My Way I Hope it gives you hell..

So basically life has been going craaazzzzyyyy!
a certain girl.
just denied me.
super ouch..
a certain boy.
really wants me.
settling is my middle name.

awesomesauce...

I have to get away from all of my mistakes.

I'm in love with my bestfriend's potential husband.
how horrible of a person am I?
very much so.

I've Got All My Life To Live and I've Got All My Love To Give

I'm giving in. completely.
I'm going to start saying things that really bother me.
like I hate it when you look over at me in English.
I hate you in general.
I know you want to read my book, you just can't ask because that would be admitting I did something right.
bitch.

****

okay so you were hurt by my actions.
I said sorry.
life's full of pain.
welcome to it.
just because you've been sheltered all your life doesn't mean I'm the only "bad guy" you'll run into.

****

I feel so strongly for you, and I know you don't feel the same.
this makes me sad.
its sad because I could be talking to two people right now. no, i am.
One just wants me physically, and I'm actually okay with that. I know I shouldn't be, but I am.
whatever.
i like you enough to let you get my phone taken away for a week. I think I can deal.
:]
but you always make me smile and you give the greatest hugs. :D
I shouldn't have told you, but I did, whatever.

****

Well if you can't get what you want, its my fault.

So today I've been halucinating all day :]
wonderful.
my life fucking sucks.
I've been like mega harmful thoughts. :D
awwwwwwesome.

****

I'm being a slut and don't even care.

****

I finished my first draft of my book!!!!
I'm so pumped about it, well because its all I have right now.

You make me feel like maybe I won't die alone..

So today was actually pretty amazing.
I even woke up in a good mood!
I got THREEEEEE hugs from him today :]

****

You make me smile so easily, its ridiculous.
I keep finding myself thinking of ways to be alone with you, so we can talk with voices :]
also to get you to say 'homeslice' :D
Yesterday there wasn't a minute that I wasn't smiling at something you'd said.
or something that you might say.

****

I laughed on the inside when you cried the other day and I don't
feel bad at all.
What kind of person does that make you?

I'm the girl that's sweeping you off your feet

Today was a good day.
Good days don't happen that often anymore..
but I think they might just start happening more and more.

I have discovered that there's a reason he can't ever escape my thoughts.
I have discovered awhile ago that he is an amazing kid.
he has the five things I want;
job.
car.
initiative.
kindness.
musical.

TAADAAAA!
perfection.
but the butterflies that have seizures in my tummy
whilst I'm trying to eat don't help anything..
but i love them.
We've been texting all day and i can feel myself start to give in to really liking him.

BUT!!!
I'm taking this slowly.
not like I have before, by saying i'm going to take it slowly
and then just jumping into things that aren't the bomb.
but this is waaaaaaaaaaay different.
I'm different.

Dance Fucker Dance.

today I feel like a puppet.
someone people can just make me do whatever the fuck they want me to do.
am I so easily drafted?
apparently.
and why the fuck do I put up with everyone?
I don't even fucking know.
I want to move as far away as possible from this piece of shit piece of land.
somewhere I can start over..

"Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
Instead I'll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains
Spinning away every piece that remains of you."
-ingrid michaelson.


I basically will always die trying.
but I try anyways.
I just want to be okay.
thats all.
I shoot for mediocre, when I know I can do better than most.
again today.
what the fuck is wrong with me?!


I'm giving up again.
like always.

"Another clever word
Sets off an unsuspecting herd
And as you step back into line
A mob jumps to their feet"
-the offspring

Today was bad,

So today was a bad day.
I had three panic attacks for like. no reason.
I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me.
this sucks a lot.

****

But on the bright side.
my mommy picked me up a strawberry frappe
when she picked me up at school.

About Time.

I am about 85% free of the drama that is my life. about fucking time.

Most people don't get it. and I don't blame them.
they have no idea what my life is like.
they have no idea whats wrong with me.
and I'm not planning on telling them.

I have a disorder.

Pediatric Autoimmune NeuroPsychiatric Disorders Associated with Strep.
p.a.n.d.a.s.
this has become my life now.

do i love having to leave class?
no.

do I love not being able to control my body half the time?
no.

Does this effect every situation in my life?
yes.

if thats craving attention.
fuck you.


****

I had the most wonderful time with Keighty today and last night.
she is, and always will be, my dearest friend.
she gives it to me straight uppp, unlike anyone else.
also her whale cock is pretty fucking intense too.
;]
also i love her.

The 'I'm Sorry's Unbelieved.

So I've sucked at life for a really long time.

But I've also had a huge wake up call.. but what happens when you've changed and all the people closest don't believe it..

My life happens.

Situation One.
I might just be a blue-haired bisexual to you.. and yeah I probably am just that, but I want to be more than that. I want to be close to you again, like in sixth grade, without the mess. I need this to be resolved. I need this to be okay. I need this to prove to you that I'm not that person that I once was. I know your scars say differently, but I promise to you that I can't let my life move on before I fix this.. and I will fix this. I promise you that I will do whatever it takes for you to be okay with me once more.. I care so much about you..


Situation Two
I don't need you any more. I'm sorry but its the truth.. I needed you once, but I'm not that weak person any longer. I don't need your fucking scars anymore. I don't need the pain any longer. So goodbye to you and goodbye to the hell you put me through.