....What do I call you?

So. I'm not allowed to date you.
because of your sister?
excuse me if I'm a little.. bitter.
but that doesn't make ANY sense.
we've been best friends a year and she didn't even KNOW!
You confuse me more than anyone.
going out?
maybe.
Friends with Benefits?
you should know me better than that.
just Friends?
maybe that's not enough for me anymore..
I get it if you don't want anyone to know..
I do I understand.
But.. why work me up like this to let me down the next minute??
I wish I could be inside your head for 2 minutes just to know what you're thinking..
I want this to happen.
I've wanted this to happen for a year..
Don't talk about doing it and then take it back.
We know each other well enough to not let each other ruin this.

Not only you.
hardest chem test EVER.
EVER.
I had a mild panic attack half way through.
Why can't I handle myself?
Legit what is wrong with me lately?!

Can I just curl up into a ball and just cry for hours?
no, I can't.
why?
because I have to be strong for everyone else.
I can't let these people down.
I can't let them see me sad.
I can't let them see all I'm hiding.
All the things that are bubbling up inside me and eating away at my insides.
I just want this to just be done.
everything.
I just.. can't handle this anymore..
I give up.
not in the way that I'm going to go crazy and try to kill myself..
but enough that I just might start to shut down again..
but I CAN'T
not for me though, but for everyone else.
These people build me up and the I play Jenga with my sanity..
THATS NOT NORMAL!
"Hey Meg, how are you? oh me? I'm just fine.. thanks for helping me"
thats about to turn into
"Hey Meg, can't talk.. bye."
which turns into
"Miranda you're never there we can't be friends anymore."
Do not break down.
do not break down.
do not break down.
I'm sorry I'm a wreck all the time.
I don't know how to not be a wreck.

Adam. hey its Miranda..
Miranda as in the girl you call your best friend until she says something you don't agree with and then you run away from her and leave her all alone without you..
thanks for that buddy..


Today was a terrible day..