Another year over..

So its my birthday.
I'm 19.
Fanntastic.

Thanksgiving/Rhode Island

On 'Black Friday' I went to Rhode Island to see extended family.
Which was fantastic, I never get to see them and I do miss them.
But when I'm with them I don't want to leave. I want to stay there and become one in there hectic crazy lifestyle.
My cousin Avery is two years younger than I am (making her 16) and was surprised at how much we have in common.
Even though there's a state between us we ended up alike.
I met their friends, a lot of their friends.
One friend stuck out.
It could be because he had a ton in common with me, but I think it was because at 18 and still in high school, he was registered in the army.
He showed me his army ID and I wanted to pick his brain about what could happen to him.
But I dropped it. I had just met him, that would be impolite. *(If thats the word for asking "what happens when you come home with no arms")
But his best friend, my cousin, has absolutely no idea what he wants to do when he gets out of high school in June.
It puts things in perspective I guess..

Also. I hate the Turkeybowl.
Even though I probably will show my sorry ass there next year, I still hate it.

I don't want to sound repetitive but;

I'm having a really terrible month.

So, things have been going downstream. and it wasn't just one aspect of my life, it was a whole bunch of them.
I find myself unbelievably angry. The angry you see in a movie and don't think could ever actually exist.
I have had the longing to hit and punch and scream.

I have worked so hard. I spend so many hours working at this, for this. But you just decided I'm not good enough anymore? I don't think so. So I'm quitting. I'm gone. I can go home earlier. Fuck it.

I work and forever try, but I'm cursed so never mind
And it's worse but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher, the more that I climb


I'd rather just stop trying.
I'd rather just stop hoping in order to avoid the letdown.
I'd rather the world just stop and let me off...

broski

Sitting in my room with my baby brodder
"i'm going to go crazy when you leave Miranda. I'm going to call campus security and check up on you and make sure that nobody is creeping on you"
aw, baby. I'll miss him. So much. He's like my little brother/best friend/worst enemy.
He looks out for me and my mom.
Like if my mom has a date he like tweaks out. He paces but he doesn't want anyone to notice.
He gets protective, its pretty adorable.

Confession #2
I come off as either a huge bitch or a really nice young lady.
Never in between. And that drives me crazy.

I love Harry Potter- But I love Ron more.

"Dumbledore
watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears. 'After all this time?' 'Always' Snape said."
H.P.& the D.H.

I saw Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows [part one] today. Which is opening day.
It was very well done.

It made me feel very alone though- considering the main theme is relationships in this one. Between the trio of friends; between Ron and Hermione; briefly between Harry and Ginny; between families.
I want to be a Weasley. I want to escape my family. I want to be a wizard. I want a lot of things.
I'm tired of wanting- I understand I cannot be a wizard, I never received my letter, nor have I any magical ability. I understand that unless there is a REAL family named Weasley and one of them is willing to marry me for at least a couple hours- I cannot be a Weasley. But I can escape my family. And I will- someday. Not my family- just this house; this situation; this unhappiness.

I'm listening to Explosions in The Sky- Your Hand In Mine. That is probably not helping. I tend to be so moved by music and instrumental music even more so.

Changing the subject; Its 12:04 and I'm thinking of a person I'm not allowed to think of. And that's where my mind keeps going back to. Continuously. And I would rather that not be the case. Because feelings are complicated. Because you like someone. Because I'm Miranda.


I want you to tell me who you are now. Not then. Please.
I find you interesting. I find myself wanting to know what goes on in your head. Let me in there. Because I'm letting you in and I feel like its getting a little one sided. And that makes me want to close up. Just saying.

Baby Brodder

Today was my little brother's birthday, he's fourteen.
That's fucking crazy.
Not Allowed.
I feel old now.
Ten day until my birfday.

Think Of Me When You're Out; When You're Out There.

So I just noticed that I haven't made any confessions since making this blog, which (besides getting things off my chest) was what this was for.
To stay real, to get parts of my self that aren't usually out there out from hiding inside of me.
Okay SO.
CONFESSION:
i love dresses. especially frilly dresses. cute dresses. But I'm very particular in my taste. The ones in the photo are basically perfect. I want them to be in my closet and I want fishnets to wear with them. I tend to present myself as 'one of the guys' and tough and act like putting on a dress would make me melt, but I love it.
In fact I have my semi dress for Music Dept semi not only picked out and purchased, but hanging on my wall where I can see it and admire it and think of what kind of shoes and jewelery to wear with it.
So underneath my hating it, I am feminine.

I've been waiting for a miracle and I'm not leaving..

Fuck that you are you.
Seriously. fuck.
I need to stop.
Stop acknowledging that you exist, stop talking to you.
Þar sem þú ert alveg á mörkum í þúsund ástæður
But you're the only one that can talk me down.
I'm not saying that to say that.
I'm not saying that as flattery. I'm speaking truths.

I hate that it feels like you are living my life for me.
I hate the need to ask you permission in my life.
I hate that you accept it.
I hate a lot about this right now.

Ian- I'm not sure what the fuck happened in book club today because 1. practically nothing was said about the book. and 2. I opened up to you like a lot. I don't know if that was okay, but I felt comfortable enough. (I'll let you know when I receive a text about this) And I guess I need you to know that that was the first time I told anyone since I finished therapy for it. ALSO I'm sorry I sang loudly in your car.

Its strange to see that how I'm more comfortable with myself since finishing all my PTSD stuff. Like. I sang in the car with friends and didn't care. And I sang in front of people mod G today too. Hm. I wasn't good at silence before the PTSD work, I wasn't good at simply being but I am now. I guess that's what's important right? "its not where you've been, its where you're going" Well. I feel like that depends on how where you've been affects you. I hate his name so much I call everyone by it by a nickname that I will make up for them. That will affect where I am going. I doubt I would be able to date someone with the same name. It would be uncomfortable for me.

That could just be for now though..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XO2FwnG55l8&NR=1
<3>

This Place Is A Prison

My House is NOT as bad as it could be.

I'm starting with that.

My house has become just that; a house. I hate it here.

I want to leave, I needed to leave so badly tonight.

So badly I called Taylor. I wanted someone to pick me up. Anyone.

I can't handle it here any more.

Behaviors are learned- I'm fucked.

I've learned when you don't like something you yell and make it uncomfortable until it goes away.

I've learned that if that trick doesn't work you can always drink away your problems.

Thanks for the life lessons bitch.

On The Brink.

"And then she closed her eyes
Found Relief in a knife,
the blood flows as she cries
All Alone the way she feels'
left alone to deal with
all the pain drench sorrow relief"
-Hawthorne Heights

A month after I stopped cutting I would remind my mom how long it had been. Then six months. I used to have the date memorized, so I could get excited and be like "its been so long you're so much better now" But I don't anymore. I don't mention it ever was a problem.
It got bad to the point that everything sharp was locked in a box in my house. A couple weeks ago that box was emptied. Its not that I want to go back to my old lifestyle or habits. Its more like there's a giant magnetic pull on me for it. Whenever I'm in a bad place- its there.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything everything will be just fine, everything everything will be alright, alright.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
-jimmy eat world


Continuous Repeat.
trying to feel better.

Constantly

"Every equation needs stability, something known. It's called a 'constant.' Desmond, you have no constant. When you go to the future nothing there is familiar. So if you want to stop this, then you need to find something there, something that you really, really care about, something that also exists back here"
-Lost

I genuinely hate that you're my constant. You probably always will be. I don't want you to be.
Everything you say drives me crazy; you don't let me finish my thoughts, you don't try to understand what I'm saying, you don't listen to me.
You have made me the bad guy in your head- so I will never be good.
I can't win. You've made it impossible for me to win. You're being insensitive and the longer I put up with it the sadder I get, the more depressed I get.. Being friends with you is masochist of me. it destroys my insides. It hurts me. You don't even get that.
I don't believe that I have it the worst ever. I don't.
No one has ever said that i come off like that to me either. Just to let you know.


I want to hate you, but I physically, mentally and emotionally cannot.

Come down and waste away with me...

I've been abstemious five whole days.. The fact that that is a big thing tells me a lot about myself; I used to shit on kids that had to relied on drugs and alcohol and "mind-freeing" substances to get through life, and I became one of those kids. I wasn't ever too bad though- I feel like that's what fucked with me. I never blew off a paper to hang out. I forgot about a paper. But I wasn't like ah fuck it.
In fact, I was kind of an over-achiever.
In fact, the kids that didn't over hear me talk about it or directly tell had no idea.
It didn't change me. I was less stressed and more forgetful. But other than that, i'm the same person.

I decided to quit for you though. And that won't mean jack to you. Because you will read this and all you'll care about is the lie, rather than the truth in this. Because you've pigeon holed me as a terrible person. I cannot change who you think I am.
But let me tell you this; I am sick of feeling that our friendship or whatever this is is some kind of retaliation towards me. All I ever feel from you is put down. All I ever feel is shit on. When I tried to talk to you last night I was in tears, literally sobbing my eyes out. Harmful thoughts. And you laughed at me. I can't do that. I know I was a bitch, I know what I did was wrong in a lot of ways. Do not use this as a chance to get back at me, because that is severely fucked up. I'm completely open with you and you shit on me for it. I can't handle that.



Book Club. Without even knowing it, you probably saved my life tonight.

Cold Water Surrounds Me Now.

Oh Hey J.Mraz.

So I was watching Palladium last night and this fine sir was on. This would usually get me really really excited and happy because I love him a ton. But i wasn't. I was melancholy.

He performed 'Anything You Want' (which is a mega fantastic song go listen to it) while we were talking. It goes like this;

All I want to share with you is all my love, it's all I really care to do
Champion the idea of one love
All people the same
One beautiful race
Making a home of this beautiful place
And be grateful for the precious gifts of life


Its a beautiful song.


I know what I want to say here, but I'm not sure how to say it.
I guess I'm feeling something called 'Well you fucked up for a solid year and a half so nothing can ever go your way again' yeah, that seems about right. How can you take my life and make any part of it make any sense? My scapegoat? He's in Rholde Island now- and I'm supposed to be okay with everything that happened.
I look back on my life and it doesn't make any sense to the person I am now. The pictures 12 year old Miranda took with Keighty while dying her hair for the first time with Kool-Aid- yeah I don't get any of that. But at one time that made perfect sense to me. I still have those pictures.
The things I said to you. The things that went on between us. Those don't even seem like they could have come from this body. I can't think of any other way to say it to you. I've said it so many times. I'm a thousand years away from where I was. I can't take it. ugh.

I want to be this kind of parent...

I'm not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me

I don't really know what I'm doing anymore.

I've just kind of been moving automatically- and thats scary to me.

But this bump on the back of my head is a reminder of how much I'm a fail of late.

I keep yo-yo-ing my life. Thats not healthy.

I keep saying "this week is the week I make a change"

And then by Wednesday its the same as last week.

This week I made a breakthrough; I broke down, prayed out, and sat with a Bible in my lap.

Fast forward to three days later; I'm moving automatically.

I understand that I'm setting myself up for disaster consistently. I get that. I would like that to not be the case. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I guess in that logic that I'm insane...

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

My college essay sucks..
Literally.
Its probably the worst thing I've ever written.
EVER.
what is wrong with me?
I can write when i don't need to, but when getting into college is riding on it?
Nope, how about you can't write at all.
Awesome

Its probably psychological. I know that its really important so I'm way over thinking it. SO DUMB. AH! I would really like to get this over with.

I am really sick all of a sudden and I'm not a fan at all. my throat is hugely swollen. And I CAN'T get strep. if I get strep- i'm fucked.
Strep -> Tics -> No School -> bad grades -> no college.
Let's not.

Lonely

Synonyms: abandoned, alone, apart, by oneself, comfortless, companionless, deserted, desolate, destitute, disconsolate, down, empty, estranged, forsaken, isolated, lonesome, outcast, reclusive, rejected, secluded, single, solitary, unattended, unbefriended, uncherished


So here's the thing..
I am alone, which is not a big deal in and of itself. Its the way in which I'm alone that is a big deal. Its the longing of wanting to be longed for, the desire to be desired. This is a really self-conscious place I'm in. And I'm not a very big fan. I haven't been self conscious in awhile so this is realllllly lame. I thought I was over this.. Apparently not..

"Keep pushing through, you'll get through it"
My entire life has been a 'push through it' and quite frankly I need a break from pushing.
Because I'm getting tired of pushing with no results. I'm tired of working my heart out for no reason. I'm tired of losing everything to get nothing in return. I don't want to 'push through it' I need this to happen, and happen soon. I'm losing hope, loosening my grasp.
I want desperately to be done with this scene.

Well I've been thinking a Lot Today...

This man makes me think a lot. If you don't know who this is- you should and I'm very sorry that you don't. This is Ben Folds. I don't think i could love an artist as much as I love him, maybe Ingrid Michealson. (that's beside the point.)
"i say to my reflection
god, please spare me more rejection
'cause my peers, they criticize me....
try to put it all behind me"
And I do I just would like to pretend like this part of my life didn't actually exist and we could fast forward through this. Or find someone who would understand what it means when I say that I feel like I've been placed in a land that I don't belong with people who I can't possibly relate to.try. Its not that I don't try. Or maybe am I like the one person in this place that doesn't belong here? Or is everyone else here feeling the same exact way? Every adult says these are the best days of my life. If that's the case- I'd rather not.



5:54 pm
I don't have any depth perception.
Both literally and figuratively..
Saying one thing to you could ruin the friendship I've worked so hard to get. But if I could see past this i could make a better decision. The thing is that I can't ever see past the immediate.
I think that's where I messed up with that last thing. I just saw how he made me happy and bubblily and smiles and i could talk to him. But i didn't think of who I was and who he was. I'm not the kind of girl he would go for. I can't program a robot. I can't name off Pythag triples. I'm like five steps below that. That's not who i am. He talks about things I don't understand...

So I'm documenting that at approximately 11 pm on 10/30/10 I gave up on you.

Fifteen there's still time for you.

This should not bother me.
I know that. I get that. I understand that.
But it bothers me. So much. it doesn't make sense that you're single. not only single but. with a youngen? what is that?
As a friend, I'm telling you to be even more cautious then I know you already are.
As Miranda, I'm telling you I don't understand what you're doing.
Not my life. Not my choices.

I was fifteen when I was with you. Maybe that's why its messing with me so much. We were fifteen. And you're going back to a fifteen year old. That doesn't make any sense to me..
Having a conversation with you at one in the morning about love. That was probably a bad decision.. telling you how I feel it needs to be proven to me now, that I don't think it exists. You telling me how we loved each other. That was weird. Awkward. Its still too weird for me to hear you talk about kissing people or holding other people's hands. Like with the person you were with it made sense. It was happy. That didn't make it comfortable to talk about. It's not that I still feel for you, its just that you were mine once. And you held my hand. and you said those things about me. and that's where my mind goes to, and I can't handle that. I love being friends with you. Talking about random stuff.

ON A COMPLETELY OTHER SUBJECT.
This week was my brother's birthday- my big brother. Dylan's five year's older than me and he just got a job :] which made my mom really happy.