Strength.

I'm wondering how long I can be strong for every one around me before I break in a million little pieces.

So afraid of getting older, I'm only good at being young

So I cried a lot today. The majority of it was in Bryan's car while trying to explain how excited I am for college, while at the same time I want to curl up in bed with my mom and cry and pretend its never going to happen.. But it is, I have half of my books, I have pillows and towels; clothes hangers and a mattress pad; storage and a fridge. Yet buying those things in full knowledge that I was going to go away and use them didn't really hit me. Its hitting my mom and my little brother, but until this night, it hadn't hit me.
I want to know when I became a grown up.
I don't know when to tell when I have a fever. I don't know how to get through the night by myself when I have a bad dream. What if I throw up?
I've done these things at home, but I could always go downstairs and get my mom.. And that's changing and I'm petrified..
Holy crap..

I am The Luckiest.

So you know that moment where after you say "I don't believe in_____" or "______ doesn't exist/isn't possible" etc. and then two weeks later you're ass deep in whatever ______ is.
I guess past experiences and letdowns and stumbles and family situations had made it impossible for me to believe that two people can be happy together. Even if they had everything in common, even if they were "perfect" for each other. I didn't really believe that you could be made happier by someone else. I still believe you have to make yourself happy first, don't get me wrong, but now I believe that sometimes someone can come into your life and not exactly change everything, but change your views on things, make you think about things in a different light.
But I'm happy. In fact, I'm not being pessimistic that much. (Which is crazy because I am the queen of negative thoughts.)
But I'm going to college. Granted i'm not going that far, but i am leaving him behind. We had a college talk that went kinda like this:
"hey please don't fall in love with a crazily attractive girl who likes Japanese cartoons and collects action figures"
"I couldn't even think of it"

it'll be okay. it'll be okay. it'll be okay. it'll be okay.

I wonder..

So this just kinda happened in my head.

I wonder sometimes how many 12 year old girls watch MTV and then damn themselves for not having six packs, or DD cup breasts. I wonder how many of those girls starve or binge themselves to the verge of death to make it feel better.

I wonder how many boys watch movies where hitting women is okay, or watch porn where the female is choked, slapped, beaten, gang banged and develop the thought process that girls are okay to hit.

I wonder how many kids in broken homes feel like they need to do anything to be loved. I wonder how many of those kids grow up to be the abuser or the abused. Emulating their parents' insanity.

How many girls are taken advantage of and grow up too fast or destroy their bodies through self mutilation or throwing themselves towards abusive men.

How many lives are destroyed, dismantled by what someone saw when they were young? How many lives could have been saved by preventing that or simply being on the other side of a phone. How many people would you save if you thought you could help them?

Maybe people have to look outward instead of examining their own pain constantly.

Excuse me

while my past ruins my present.

I love this

I have so much going on right now I feel like a plate spinner.
Maybe when I go to Sanibel with Mommy I'll start thinking more clearly.

104 Days

Until college.

I don't want to be in this stage of my life anymore. i just want to move on, leave things and people and stupidness behind. I honestly hate high school, being in it. I feel trapped there and I always have.. I don't exactly know why but I don't think I ever fit there, maybe that's insecure or juvenile, but its how I feel. I never really had a set group of friends until this year- mainly because I wasn't in school enough to even know people's names but still. There was never a sense of belonging for me never the "I'm a high schooler and you're a high schooler. YEAH!" High School wasn't my niche.

I cannot help but wonder what my roommate is going to be like. Ex. My mom will mention getting a certain food for my room to snack on and I immediately think 'what if my roommate is allergic or doesn't like it? Or thinks I'm wicked stupid for bringing food?' I'm probably not the only one who does that- but thinking about someone that A) I don't know and B) isn't definite to share a room with me yet.

I just want it to be here.

I wish my mom wasn't such a slut.

Great example, cunt.

132 Days Until College

the confessing kind of tired. So here we are.

I have a serious problem with the fact that you only come to me when you're a mess. I get things are shit right now. I DO, more than you know. You weren't there to see me crash and burn, but I did and it wasn't pretty and I had to fucking climb my way out of that. I feel like you want me to pick you up out of it, that is something I cannot do. I CAN be there. I CAN talk to you. I CAN try to make it better. But, sometimes, I'm tired. Sometimes, I'm really upset, sad, angry. I've been putting you before myself and I shouldn't. As selfish as that sounds, I can't go back to that place.

I ALSO have a serious problem with "oh Miranda I need a drink so bad right now" STOP. You are young. You are making a habit that could kill you. Its dangerous and I love you far too much to watch you go down that path.

I saw a picture of you today and I hurt. like something physically pained me to see you. Its not that I feel for you, its not that I want to get back together. Its just, I saw you. I saw your eyes and remembered them really close to mine. You can grow facial hair better now. I'm so happy you don't go to Central. I'd fucking die.

I am not meant to take care of people.

Yet every Friday night, thats exactly what I'm doing.

All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing.

I don't even feel like a person anymore, how bad is that?
I feel like I'm a constant string of situations.
I hate chaos, but I tweak in peace.
"All that I know is I'm breathing now"
I have plans. I have things to look forward to. I feel like I'm on hold for those things, everything right now is crappy eighties music and a reminder "don't die, you life is important to us, please continue waiting."
When it comes, when all I'm waiting for is in the rear view, there will be more things to wait about.

I made a "To-Do List" for a day. I did two items. There were nine. The two I did were the least important. Good job Miranda.

Also. A big 'fuck you' to best guy friend failure. You're a douche, as always.

I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck

I don't get along with most girls. I can talk to them and be nice and friendly and such, but not really connect. My best friend is the only girl I've really opened up completely with.

i feel "big sister" to guys. Its what I do, I don't really know why. Make sure they don't turn into what I fear I guess. I've never felt "big sister" to a girl. Until this year and because I don't know how to handle it I haven't acted on it, and I feel like I should have. I relate to her, I want to protect her, I want her to know how beautiful she is. That isn't me. I am a pessimist. except for people I talk to, people I'm really close to. I doubt about hope a lot, but I try to instill it in other people.

Maybe I can "big sister" girls.. Possibly. We'll see.

pretty in pink.

I'm petrified of prom dress shopping.
I've found several in my size and that I love.
I just have this vision of walking into a store, telling them what I want and them laughing or nothing fitting.
My body is too awkward.
Time to starve, overwork out, and feel like shit.
Happy almost prom season kids!

douchebag is so last season

"I'm calling out to you from the basement
I got a need to feel so I Shake! Shake!
You got a problem with me, say it"
-the Subways

You think you're the shit.
Just take "the" out of that sentence and you're right.

178 Days

In 178 days I will be moving a bunch of stuff into a tiny room I'll be sharing with someone else for a year.
In 178 days my dreams begin to come true. I become a student. I get a new start. I get to be whatever I damn well please. I will meet people and make new friends. Meet people in my major. People who won't laugh when I tell them why I want to teach.
In 178 days I leave my home, where I've lived literally my entire life.
In 178 days I will be able to stay out, or stay in. Make choices on my own. Choose my own path.
In 178 days I'm where I want to be.

I'll Whip My Hair Back and Forth

"And I'll be doing what to do
we turn our back
and whip our hair and just shake them off."
WillowSmith. You make my life with this song.

Riding Solo. Meaning Daniel and I are done.
I did the breaking.
I knew it was the right thing to do.
We wanted different things.


T-If you still blogstalk me, meaning if you're reading this, thank you. Not for blogstalking, but for phone conversations until three in the morning. For being someone I can vent to, and someone who I can listen for. You mean a lot to me, just know that.

fuck you kid.

"I said it but I don't know what it is. I really do like you."
Thank you for demolishing me.
how can I be okay with you saying this?
so close to the edge.

MirandaG603.tumblr.com
Checkk it

I never thought that I could walk through fire.

as for your consistent flirting with other girls.
Fuck that.
When I bring it up I'm "jealous", have "no self-esteem".
But that's according to you.
According to me, its painful and scary.
And it makes me feel insignificant.
So thanks.

Cabin fever

I've been at my dad's house since Saturday, it is now Thursday.
I'm ready to leave.
I was ready to leave on Monday.
The thing isn't my dad though, its everything but my dad actually. Three dogs, a mentally challenged uncle and Ryan playing guitar constantly. My head is about to explode.
I'm stressed and anxious and want to go home.
And home is not here.

Change The Voices in Your Head

And Make them like you instead



I near cry everytime I watch this video.
There are so many people I want to scream this to, even though they wouldn't here it.
There were so many times I was there. Every thought in my head about destroying myself..
So thats that.

"You can get someone out of your mind.
Getting them out of your heart is another story."
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.


I was just on Facebook and there's that column of people under "Friends"
And it was completely compiled of people that I've lost touch with, people that used to mean so so much to me, but are practically completely out of my life now.
And I wonder how that happens.
How someone who holds such a prominant place in your heart one day fades into the background over time..

Post Traumatic.

Last night I was with Daniel.
Things you have to understand before I continue: I feel safe with him, like safer than ever before in my life. I trust him, completely. I know he wouldn't ever hurt me.

There are symptoms of PTSD that still act up every once in awhile; I isolate myself, I freak out, I push Dan away(physically and emotionally), I make him promise and promise over and over and over that he wouldn't ever hurt me. And sometimes I can't be touched in specific ways. Not even exclusively sexual ways, just touches that bring me back there. Like how war vets hear fireworks and army crawl while yelling orders. If I'm grabbed a certain way or something rubs against me, I'll go into almost a catatonic state.

Last night Dan tried to kiss me big and grabbed the back of my neck and pushed me towards him. And I lost it. I was 13 again. But I was safe. I was with him and I was safe. He let me talk about it. He isn't like other guys who go "I'm going to kick his ass". He sat and held me really close and calmly.
"We all have to get through our pasts, but this is your present and you don't have to deal with your past alone anymore."
You're so much more than wonderful.

This made me smile.

.

I have this thought in my head
that I could be with someone and they wouldn't make me mad.
But I'm pretty sure that's bullshit..
Because everyone makes me mad.

:D

My Goodness..

There is so so much more than I could have imagined here.

There is so so much more than I could have hoped.

ohman..
On Friday it'll be our month, I don't see how thats possible. It feels like time goes really slow and really fast at the same time, twilight zone shit.
This is happy.

Feeling Sorry.

Pneumonia. My older brother caught himself pneumonia and now I'm the bad little sister who doesn't give a shit because he brought it upon himself.

So fuck me for not giving a shit

"If only you could see The stranger next to me,
You promise you promise that you're done,
But i cant tell you from the drugs"

I can't exactly explain what happens to you when the person you shared everything with turns into a drug addict.

The first thing I think of is the picture shown above. We had picnics. We played house; we were always twins even though I was a solid foot taller than her. We played cops and robbers. When did that stop? When was the last day we all hopped on our bikes and chased after each other? When did picnics become lame?
When did stealing our mom's Mike's turn into vodka? When did crushed Smarties turn into real pills, real highs?
I need to know when my innocence died.
how many times could I have saved you from this?

Just sayin'

"Everyone's just laughing at me. I hate it. Big breasts, big ass, big deal, Can't I be anything else ? Gee, how long can you be sexy?" - Marilyn Monroe
Ms. Monroe is known for being probably the biggest sex symbol of all time.
Ms. Monroe was a size 14.

Sex symbols nowadays will blow away when the wind gets over 5 mph.

But Marilyn Monroe owned it. She said once "The body is meant to be seen, not all covered up."
How fucking ballsy is that? For those days- that was crazy.

I don't care if you love her or hate her- I personally admire her and how ballsy she was. I find her stunning. Her size fourteen self.

I haven't done a confession in a while soo.

Confession:
when no one was home today I tried to Dougie. It wasn't that bad.
Confession;
I never made New Year's resolutions because I think they are failures waiting to happen.

i don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you..

"I don't know what you do but you do it well- I'm under your spell"
-Duffy

You made me melt tonight. That hasn't happened in a really, really, really long time. Bacon grease isn't the usual bonding tool- but it proved how sweet you are. Seeing me getting hurt over and over by flying grease ouchness you took over and made sure i didn't go near it again.
You held my hand- but not only that you were so sweet to me and gentle. You rubbed my wrist- the wrist that gave me panic attacks- and I was fine. I trust you with me. I don't think you know how ginormous that is.
You make me smile.