ick.

I promised myself I wouldn't blog about you today.
I've promised myself a lot of things..

But I had a serious thought today; I'm not like you. I'm not "your kind" of girl; I wast thinking of the girls you hang out with, the people you relate to. You couldn't possibly consider me a viable option compared to them; they're so smart, and while i'm not dumb I certainly didn't get an 800 on any section of my SAT's. Maybe everytime you say I "amuse" you its because you think I'm a fool. jesters were amusing. So is the kid in class that doesn't understand anything. Is that how you see me? As much as I hope every time you scrunch your face to the side when I ask you a question that's probably really easy for you is your way of telling me something, its probably nothing and I'm probably over-thinking all of this. All I know is that every time I see you my belly has a happy explosion and I keep thinking of what it would be like to hold your hand. But that's my end. And only my end...

My mother has me in a choke hold and I am turning purple.
I am seriously going crazy in this house.
i cannot wait to leave this behind me.

Somewhere Between Unsure and A Hundred

This, is my 100th post.

I have a lot on my mind right now.
A year ago I gave my life to God.
And now I'm here.
Which isn't where I thought I would be.
I don't really think I can be in that place again.


Oh you and your being adorable.
How I can't get over you.
I don't think I want to.

The right person will stiill think the sun shines out of your ass.

My parent's marriage didn't work out. Okay, in all honesty that's being really nice. My parent's marriage didn't really even exist in more than a sense more than on paper and legal documents and such.
Most couples I've grown up seeing hate each other. I have no idea why they got married in the first place. For my parents, it was Dylan. They had nine months to plan and perform a wedding. (it went off like a shot) Marriage and love and everything that really goes along with that- I'm not sure if I can believe in love.
I'm very much in love with the idea of it. That it sweeps over you and makes you happy. I just doubt that it can actually work out. Its been proven to me that it can't more than it can. I'm starting to doubt that love even is a thing. Maybe you're right- love is an emotion that humans make up in order to reproduce...
I don't think that there could ever really be a huge moment like that for me. Any moment when I completely give in with someone and know I want to spend forever with them.. Most people drive me crazy. I really have a low tolerance for bullshit. I get really frustrated. I like to be in the loop. I like when things go my way. If anyone could actually fall in love with that, that's stupid.
There was an instance when I thought I loved someone, truly. I don't believe I really, truly, deeply did though. It was more of a "I am going to fall in love with you... NOW" and so I believed enough that I was, when I cared for him, but not before myself.
You should have come out tonight. At least after I decorated your yard. At least after you could tell that I wanted to see you. I made it so clear to you. There was no possible way that you couldn't hear the longing in my voice. And when you didn't come outside something happened, I got really sad. But you stood up to me. Maybe you were teasing me. Maybe you were being a jerk. Maybe you were just too cold. But you didn't want to go outside and all my begging and pleading didn't sway you. That's never happened.
I need you to know everything that goes through my head when my phone lights up and its you. Maybe I'm just becoming older and my human instincts are telling me I have to reproduce.. But I don't want to believe that theory.

also

Wearing jeans that haven't fit for a year and a half.
:]
These past two days have been awesome.
going to a huge thrift store with Morgster and her family
then tomorrow seeing Keighty and Sarah for the first time in forever.
Wow.
Life is crazy right now.

:]

I'm trying to think if I have anything profound to say right now.
And this is all I have;

I told you that you could ask me anything
And you asked me who I was.
You make my insides bubble and turn and explode.
You said what I responded with was "interesting"
when I asked why you responded
"Its who you are, how is that not interesting?"
I don't think you have any idea what that did to me.
you care to listen, you don't fake it, you're straight with me,
and I'm comfortable enough to be straight with you.
that means more than you can even know.

Sitting next to you is the best part of my day, I wonder if you know that.
hm.

I've fallen so far away from the place that I started from

"What have I become?
Something soft and really quite dumb"

Ingrid Michealson. I love how much I can relate to you. Its fantastic, really.

Anyways original point. This is nuts how different I am from two years ago.
granted I am becoming hard lately, I see that and am trying to reverse that.
But I'm soft now. Or softer. Or have softer tendencies.
I don't know how to explain it.
But i feel more of a longing to be close to individuals.
to search them and find their secrets and love them for whoever they are.


you have a lot to do with that.


"But you make me think that maybe I won't die alone
Maybe I won't die alone"

Finished PSTD therapy. for good.
Last night was my very last night.
We went dress shopping as a symbol of my re-gaining my beauty that was stolen.
A year ago I couldn't say his name because I looked at myself as broken and defeated by him.
Now I can look in the mirror and see happy and pretty and good things.
Because he didn't take them away. He just caused me to doubt myself.
I cried last night. Saying goodbye to her.
So much work, so much has gone between us.
I didn't cry in front of her though, I waited until I got in the car.
And I shed a couple "I'll miss her more dearly than you can know" tears.


It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference. ~Tom Brokaw
You made a difference in me; in my family; in my life.

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

When did we get so close?
As in talking on the phone every night?
Whaat?
I love it.
We're like best friends. MEGA like.
You don't hate on me for not building robots or making things out of clouds.
Thanks for that.
I'll try to hold my heart back.
No promises, though.
You make me laugh a ton.
I'm sorry she's too stupid to see how amazing you are.
You aren't naive, you see and hope for the good in people. That's not something that should be shot down or looked down upon.
You're amazing. Don't ever doubt that.
EVER.

The way we get by

So I went to Burlington yesterday to see Champlain College.
Burlington is my kind of city.
Its just chill; people just walk, sit, eat, do their own thing.
No one's rushing around.
I feel like I fit there.
also lots of beards.

Thanks for texting me all three hours there and back :]
you don't even know.

This is the soundtrack to my life

i've got some issues that nobody can see
and all of these emotions are pouring out of me

I'm really feeling Kid Cudi on this one.
I mean unless you're reallly close with me, you don't know whats going on.
You can see that some days I'm not okay and some days I'm good.
You can see that some days I'm in love with the world and others I want it to implode...
I don't open up to everyone anymore.. I used to, I'm not so naive anymore.

I find you so adorable its not even funny.
I don't go by the rule book... I lead from the heart, not the head.
-Princess Diana

I want to be somewhere where you are...

I've been thinking about your eyes so much that they're becoming ingrained in my mind.
You make me blush and my stomach turn over.
And I don't think that you even know that you had that ability.
[: and that's probably my favorite part about you.


Sometimes I think of you late at night and I don't know why...

How was I to know my first crack at love would not be the last?

This post is going to be obnoxious and talk a lot about the past.
For your own sanity you shouldn't read it.
(you can't say I didn't warn you)

We're teenagers
We count the years we think we're smart
But we're not
We don't know anything

I really thought I knew best with you. So many days I hated you. So many fights I fought that I look back on now and think why would you say those things?
I can't ever change what happened..
I don't think I was totally to blame. On some counts, yes. Others, no. My actions hurt you, damaged you.
I didn't think twice about them.
But now I can't help but think that I need to tell you every time I hang out with members of the opposite sex.
I can't help but want to tell you every time I mess up. Every time I avoid messing up.
I want to prove to you that I'm okay.
That's childish of me.
At least I know that.
So many people thought we'd end up married. With kids.
we thought that too.. at least i did.
I was really naive about literally everything with you.
And I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to find someone.
That scares me.
So I thought of you.
Because you were by my side the longest..
I messed everything up.
And maybe this is my punishment..
Eternity alone..
I know you read this.. so this was a terrible idea.
Maybe you'll be flattered. Not creeped out.
You'll probably be creeped out.
ugh. I'm sorry I'm such a waste of your life.

Let's start off with my overnight, shall we?
so I really just want to be in college classes, in a dorm, with a roommate, with new people, in a new place.
GAH. it was awesome. These girls just let me creep on them all day.
wow. i really just said that.
They called me "Maddie's shadow" probably because they couldn't remember my name, whatever.
so they were just talking about the stuff that happened there like SEX TOY BINGO?! yes. not kidding.
And last night they had a candy bar buffet! How awesome is that?! So awesome. Also it was free.
I bought me some comfy pants. Heard their gossip and watched Glee and Teen Mom with them.
It was pretty boss.

;]

This, my friends, is where I am going to be spending the night tomorrow night. :]
This, my dears, is where I would like to be spending a lot more of my nights. Potentially four years of nights.
New England College. :]
Beyond words.
I am excited beyond words.
I'm not nervous.
I'm anxious; I just want to be there. I want to meet my host student.
I'm leaving school early tomorrow to be there at three to meet my host student, to spend the day and night there. To pretend that I'm living there. To get an actual feel for it. AH! I'm so beyond excited. I get to talk to her and ask her questions that would be weird to ask an admissions counselor like "will I leave this school an alcoholic?" Things like that.
I never thought I would be here.
I never thought I would be comfortable enough in my own skin to be able to go to a college without a security blanket in the form of my mom or be able to talk to admissions reps.
But here I am.
I'm doing it.
There was a point where I didn't know or think I was going to live through high school, and now my future is spread out like an endless buffet.
(side point N.E.C. has AN ICE CREAM BAR?!)
That's crazy, not only to me but my mom aswell.
Mad props to her for putting up with this.
I'm happy that she gets to see the end result of all the hard work we've both put in.
:]

You see the Real Me...

Today is 10/10/1o
A lot happened this weekend.
A lot of positive change.

There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But You love me even now...

I'm sorry I walked away...
I'm continuously going to pray out Psalm 51.
I'm going to stay with these things that I've sworn to You in our secret place.


[:
Also I don't have to wake up early tomorrow!
AND!! Overnight at NEC this week!!!!
I gotta feeling that this could be the turn around.
:]

Also I think I'm going to apply to Gordon aswell..
hm.
[:

I Hate Weddings.

*listen to the song Cath by Death Cab. I really feel like that goes very well with this.

I was at a wedding last night and literally just wanted to kill someone the entire time. Its not that I hate other's happiness. That's not it at all. I just don't like everyone in a room being happy when I am confused and sad and scared. That really doesn't do it for m*e. It doesn't help that I highly doubt that anyone would be crazy enough to ever really want to spend the rest of their life with me.
I watched my cousin, Andy, watch his bride walk down the aisle to him. There was something in his eyes. He didn't want anything but her. I grew up with him. I played cops and robbers with him. Watched him laugh at a nail through my brother's foot. And he looked near tears. He wanted nothing but her.. I doubt anyone will ever feel that for me.
I find that now that I'm not as hard and cold I'm being taken advantage of. I wasn't aware that was part of it. I'm pretty sure that's why I built up this huge ass wall in the first place. Friends of my parents consistently tell them to watch out. To get a baseball bat because they'll be beating off boys. Maybe if boys in high school thought with the head above their shoulders. Maybe if I was a size 4. Maybe if I was smarter. Maybe if I couldn't burp the alphabet. But that's not me.. And I don't really believe that there could be a person who loves a belching, wise-ass, stubborn, loving Miranda.
Also I really don't have any proof that love actually exists. I've only seen one relationship my entire life that worked out. My grandparents. And they worked at it. Consistently.
According to birth order of the cousins on my dad's side I only have 4 left. One of them is already engaged. So three and then I'm up... I have a feeling I'm going to be "poor Miranda.." "did you hear about Miranda" "She can't find anyone to put up with her."
Maybe I'll go my mom's route and get knocked up and take it out on my kids for the rest of their lives. That sounds good.


I'm going to Reckless tonight.
I might be smite upon entering church.
Fuck.
I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself.
Maybe if He could prove it.
Maybe if He could make it better.
Then i could be okay..

Senior Pride?

I never gave two shits about Central. Ever.
I never wanted to be in the school.
I tried to transfer to Memorial.
I find that i'm trying to not hate this school.
Even though I do. a lot
At least I'm finding more of my own style.

I often thought of six impossible things before breakfast

Coming close to the way I was.
Waaay back in eighth grade.
Or even before then.


I need to stop thinking of impossible things..
They get my hope up and then shatter it.
I highly doubt you've thought of me since our conversation.
ugh.
I need someone to tell me that its stupid
or someone to tell me that its not.
Because I don't know..
blahblahblah.

This was a very girl post.

Losing Hope In Humanity.

I've given you so much of me and you've thrown me away.
But not before shitting on me and using me.
I can't hate anyone more than I hate you.
I want to destroy something, anything pretending its you.
I can't even express how furiously pissed I am.
You've thrown away everything I was to you.
I'm so glad to know that I wasn't worth shit.
I hope you implode again.
This time I won't be there to pick up all the goddamn pieces.
I put so much trust in you.
So much faith.
Thank you for throwing that away.
You're the biggest letdown yet.