I'mmm Harry Pottterr :D

Harry Potter Exhibit at Boston Museum of Science :D

SO AMAZING!

Hogwarts Express IN REAL LIFE!!!

Holy smokes!

IloveloveloveloveloveHarryPotter.

Best time of my lifeee<33

HolyMoley

MORGANCOFFEY!!

You are amazingg.

I lovelovelove you<3

Galen is such a sweetheart and I think he's awesome for you<3

You guys are so so so so cute together :D

God is helping me out a lot lately.

I mean he helps me not breakdown in public anymore, which is kinda a biggbigg deal.

I'm veryveryvery thankful for that. I dont even have to worry about it anymore.

I love You. Thank you<3

Somewhere Weakness Is Our Strength..

I'm pretty much done with letting you run my life.

You've had control, all the control, for way too long.

Everything I do, you come into play.

Every friendship.

Every class.

Every relationship.

How I interact with people.

How I over share.

How I'm afraid of you.

You have control, and I'm not okay with that.

I just don't know how to have the control.. Its been so long.

Maybe if I just could forget all about you.

Just erase you out of my life.

But it doesn't work like that.

I wish it did, but it doesn't.

I have to work through everyday trying to be okay with what you did.

You get to walk right past me everyday, look through me.

I have no respect for you.

I never will.

I'm sorry I talk about him so much.

He's just kind of destroying my insides and has been for awhile...

I'm so worried about you.

You messed up and you know that.

But you're going in the wrong direction.

You shouldn't be with him. He's distancing you from God.

Even I can see it.

Sure you're still really sweet and kind and listen..

But God's not really in control with you anymore..

I'm sorry, but it sucks for me to see that because I looked up to you in a spiritual way..

thank God for Meg <3

She gave me the push I'd been waiting for. The one I needed.

'She deals with kids with abuse in their pasts'

Thank you.

I'm excited to go to coffee with Jill.

Get to know her, see how we click...

If anything I need right now, I need a mentor...

Someone I can go up to and be like 'GAH HELP!'

Because I don't really have that now..

Ugh. This one's really long. Sorry for that I guess.

I have so much going on inside my head. Its like a whirlwind of emotions..

Like this blur of so many things that I don't know how I really feel anymore..

I'm sorry.. I'm trying.

But maybe trying isn't enough..

I'll try to work this out..

Suddenly I'm merging with grace..

I feel good about Christmas.

I think Nadia had a good time.

I was just really excited to have the chance to do something for her.

My family wasn't too terrifying for her.

thats good.

:]

I got A NEW CLARINETTTT!!!

diegsflygelqifg

I like peed myself! :D

so so so beautiful.

My beautiful Buffet clarinet <3333

Mine. wow.

Also...

BRAND new camera :D

yayayayyayyayy!

I missed having a cameraa!!

Unusually good mood today.

I wanna go see New Moon.

but I don't know who to ask.

ugh insecurities :[

Maybe I could ask him. He wouldn't go though.

Or maybe she would.. She's probably already seen it.

I'm lamewadtastic.

Apparently I can't really avoid him anymore.

I tried and it didn't work.

This really sucks because I have to put everything I've been blocking out to the very front of my mind.

Not. Fun.

All the emotions.

All the memories.

All coming back to slap me in the face again.

:/ really lame.

Though it won't be today, Someday i'll hope again

I don't even know what to say to you.
You made this decision with me.
and you run away.
I wish that everytime I hit you I could just have you to myself.
you don't even understand what you're doing to me.
Three days ago, you like me and want to date.
Today. You don't even want to touch me.
WHAT is wrong with you?!
Ugh.
I'm done.
(i'mjustsayingthat)

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.
I can't handle this.
Not by myself. But I don't want to drag anyone into this.
This is a pain that is unsharable.
This pain causes hate and fear. Tears..
Most scary of all.. vulnerability...
God. I have him.
butineedahug.
I need something, someone to cling to.
God. I have him.
but i'm not sure I can handle this..
I need some hope.
More than anything else.
I've forgotten to..
I cling to your promise, there will be a dawn
I just got its coming soon.
I just don't know how I'm going to be able to deal with this.
By myself.
'Get over it'
'You're giving him more power by crying, feeling sad, feeling hopeless'
'You should just forget about it'
No.
You have no idea how this has eaten me completely.
Acid-like. Eaten away at the very existence of me.
I'm so used to smiling and working on everyone else..
I can't smile and deal with this.
I can't deal with this at all.
I feel like one single person on an island.
An island too far from land to swim to. but close enough to see.
To see everyone else.
Being happy.
Laughing.
Being able to date and not be petrified.
I wonder if you know that.
I wonder if you even remember, or care for that matter.
I wonder if you know how my body screams for me to run like hell whenever you enter a room.
I wonder what you would say if you did.
If you knew how afraid of you I am. Still to this day.
How the dislike of you wells up in my body every time you get in front of a class.
I wonder how your friends would react, if they knew.
You.
Perfect you.
Straight A's you.
NHS you.
Talented musican.
Amazing athlete.
Rapist.
I hate you.
HATEISASINHATEISASIN.

Which one doesn't fit?

Yeah He likes his fishing pole..

So on Saturday I realized that I've given way too much of my heart away.

I know its stupid but I can't understand anything fully until I have a metaphor to go along with it.

Everyone and their brother has taken a sip from my water bottle..

I guess that it hit me hard when he said that you can't get any of your heart back.

I guess my hearts only half as full as it was at the beginning..

I want my future husband to be be able to have all of my heart (BESIDES FOR GOD)

and that can be the complete truth..

not anymore.

but I can try to hold on to the heart that I have.

I need to concentrate on holding onto my heart for two men; God and my husband.

My Future Husband..

that sounds so creepy.

so far away..

something I have to strive for.

something I have to save everything for.

something I don't know will happen..

Its weird to thnk of myself as "Future Wife to..."

To whomever God has made for me I suppose..

But the who part of that is what worries me.

I'M NOT PLANNING ON GETTING MARRIED ANYTIME SOON AND I'M STRESSED!

:[

I need to stop thinking about boys.

Because currently boys are my only option.

and I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a boy...

and you are a boy. Not a man.

Not what I need. Not what I'm looking for.

I DON'T need someone.

I just don't.

I would like to have someone close. Someone that I can like but not date.

Someone to have.

Someone to think I could date.. Someone that I could see myself with..

STOP you don't need it.

but it would be nice...

Hm.

I dunno.

God's gotta take the wheel on this one, because I have no idea why I can't do this..

Ihatedayslikethis.

I.

Am.

Going.

To.

Scream.

I don't understand how my mother thinks I can do the five things she asks of me at the same time.

I finish one to get yelled at for not doing the other four.

Thanks.

Merryy Christmas.

We're so dysfunctional..

She spent like half an hour in the bathroom crying because she couldn't fix the toilet.

Crying about how she's all alone.

really mom?

really?

because I have to deal with your shit all the time

shut up.

Don't sit there and bitch about how dad isn't here to help.

YOU MADE THAT DECISION.

Today is not a good day.

Beauty From Pain.

Every detail.
Every second.
Every look.
Every Touch.
I have to recall.
from my biggest nightmare.
the nightmare I lived through.
You can look right past me.
You have no reaction.
That makes you so much more a monster.
HATEISASIN
HATEISASIN.
Is it bad I have to yell that in my head every time I see you?

I wonder if you think about me..
about what you did...
about how you ruined me..

I want to talk to you.
I don't know how.
but I will.

Everything looks Perfect.. From Far Away.

Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

Ugh. its happening again. I can just feel myself turning off.
Slowly now.
Make one less joke everyday.
Hope no one notices when you disappear completely.
but make sure its gradual. No need to call for help, Miranda. Thats a sign of weakness.
You Are Not Allowed To Be Weak
Last time you were weak, do you remember what happened?!
I can't be weak. But I suppose weak would feel better than this false sense of strength.

I wish we were a thousand times LESS complicated :/
Dude. Can we PLEASE sort this out?!
All of my actions have been aimed toward a certain outcome that you won't let happen.

What does it take to get a drink in this place?

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart?

You confuse me.
and you hurt me.
I don't even want to do our handshake ever again.
Whatever.
if you can just brush me off like that.. then I should be able to brush you off..
but I know I won't.
because I know I can't.


This week was really not fun.
MINUSSSSSSSS;;;;;
morgancoffeey being the most amazing grocery shoppper.
SNOWDAYYY!
First pretty snow fall.
annndd thats it.
win?
no.

....What do I call you?

So. I'm not allowed to date you.
because of your sister?
excuse me if I'm a little.. bitter.
but that doesn't make ANY sense.
we've been best friends a year and she didn't even KNOW!
You confuse me more than anyone.
going out?
maybe.
Friends with Benefits?
you should know me better than that.
just Friends?
maybe that's not enough for me anymore..
I get it if you don't want anyone to know..
I do I understand.
But.. why work me up like this to let me down the next minute??
I wish I could be inside your head for 2 minutes just to know what you're thinking..
I want this to happen.
I've wanted this to happen for a year..
Don't talk about doing it and then take it back.
We know each other well enough to not let each other ruin this.

Not only you.
hardest chem test EVER.
EVER.
I had a mild panic attack half way through.
Why can't I handle myself?
Legit what is wrong with me lately?!

Can I just curl up into a ball and just cry for hours?
no, I can't.
why?
because I have to be strong for everyone else.
I can't let these people down.
I can't let them see me sad.
I can't let them see all I'm hiding.
All the things that are bubbling up inside me and eating away at my insides.
I just want this to just be done.
everything.
I just.. can't handle this anymore..
I give up.
not in the way that I'm going to go crazy and try to kill myself..
but enough that I just might start to shut down again..
but I CAN'T
not for me though, but for everyone else.
These people build me up and the I play Jenga with my sanity..
THATS NOT NORMAL!
"Hey Meg, how are you? oh me? I'm just fine.. thanks for helping me"
thats about to turn into
"Hey Meg, can't talk.. bye."
which turns into
"Miranda you're never there we can't be friends anymore."
Do not break down.
do not break down.
do not break down.
I'm sorry I'm a wreck all the time.
I don't know how to not be a wreck.

Adam. hey its Miranda..
Miranda as in the girl you call your best friend until she says something you don't agree with and then you run away from her and leave her all alone without you..
thanks for that buddy..


Today was a terrible day..

I just got something..

Reckless is the bread and butter of my relationship with God.
I haven't been in two weeks..
This makes sense in a way.
but also.. I have a big snack called.. THE BIBLE!
Well.. I'm off for a snack :]

Meg..
You amaze me.
I love you so much.
Anytime you need ANYthing.
I'm here okay?

Epic. Failure.

a shadow.
That's all I feel like lately.
I exsist, but not in reality.
Why am I so sensitive?
WHAT have I stopped doing right?
Why can't I talk to You anymore?
Everytime I feel close, its ripped away from me. what is this?!
I can't handle this.
I felt right again.
for like a month.
now I'm just the shadow of myself yet again.
How could I let this happen?
WHY aren't you talking through them anymore? When you know that I hear You the most..
I miss You.
I need You.
What do I do to get close to You again?
I'm sorry I'm far away again..
Meet me half way?