Hello Trauma!

It stinks that in order to forget this, I have to remember it.
All of it.
No fun.

Today was really okay.
I guess it was balanced out;
-Little one way to come into school NOT high :] good job, please continue to do this.
-Thanks for jumping out at me and causing a panic attack. Gah please just disappear.
-Chem made sense today.. no seriously it did.
-I'm so happy we're talking again, you have no idea. I say 'talking again' because I'm not sure what we are exactly..
-Those little God moments throughout my day were really noticeable today :]Yay!

Ohman! So I'm reading The Shining by Stephen King Holy Moley! So good. I love stories like this, stories that give me goosebumps. :D

New Semester, New start.
-Trying to do homework EVERY day.
-Handing things IN!
-Trying to be nice to Everyone so people can see God's love in me.
-Not giving in to temptations.
-Not giving in to fear.
-Not giving in.

:] This will be good.

fade away

So, I'm pretty sure I have strep. again.

I finished up my penicillin literally two days ago, and I have strep again.

So lame.

Last night was amazing.

I went to that place, that place where its just me and Him.

My favorite place.

I gave it all to Him, what I should have been doing. He's got this.

Forgive yourself, Miranda. It already gone to Him. Let it go. Anything that you've done, anything that's been done to you, just let it be. Drop your baggage. Be done with it.

Thank you, God.

You do make it go away, I've been gripping onto it for so long but its time to just loosen up my grip and let it fade away...

Think Of Me When You're Out; When you're out there.

I realized on Thursday the fourteenth I seriously owe so much to Ms. Mac..

I figured out that I would have never been able to make it through an entire semester staring at his face, reliving terrifying memories. She made my presence in that class a possibility. She's made me think of things differently. Honestly one of the best teachers I've ever had and will ever have.

I guess if I say thank you that means the class is really over...

Holy Moley.. Reckless<3

I don't even know how to describe last night. There just aren't words for that..

Just.. Beyond amazing.

bleech.

I can't go to Reckless tonight and that makes me upset.
:[
Maybe I'll just cuddle up with my Bible and have my own mini-Reckless all by myself..
Gah. This is lameness.
Massive amounts of schoolwork.
Massive amounts of stupidity.
I'm at my daddy's this weekend, henceforth no Reckless OR church :[
Sadness.
Maybe i'll just chill out by myself and hangout with my Jesus :]

MEG DELANEY, LMAK, AURA WOOD
can we please hangout soon?
I miss you guys..

Ugh.

Its not even so much painful as it is uncomfortable.
I have to like watch every movement I make.
ugh. I'm melting into my couch. I'm so bored.
I'm notttt ready for school again though, thats for surree.
I walked in CVS and like imploded it hurt so badly.
blah. Percocet take me awayyyy..

I feel so stupid for looking up to you.
You showed me a beautiful girl can CHOOSE to be pure.
You inspired me. You helped me grow.
Now look at you.
You've turned your back on everything that you wanted for me.
I talked to you about how hard it was for me. And now you're doing all the thing you told me not to.
What is wrong with you?
no. I know.
Its him. ugh.
He's so stupid, so wrong for you.
Get AWAY FROM HIM.
Get closer to who you should be closer to.
I see you in the halls and you're just a shadow..
Where did you go..?
It isn't my problem.

Reality Hits Home.

I know I haven't written in a while but..

This week is nuts. So scary. So surreal.
Me in the hospital seemed bad enough.
Unbelievable pain. Drugged up. Scared.
I'd relive that a hundred thousand times to "fix" the past 24 hours..

Uncle Dave; you weren't even MY uncle. But you were so awesome. The way you made my bestfriend light up every time you said something inappropriate was inspiring.. You meant the world to her. You treated me like family. You let me come over to play with kittens. You had a ginormous heart. You'll be missed. Truly. By all.

Alexis. I didn't even know you. I passed you in the halls. I glanced by you.. And now you're gone. I'll never be able to say hi to you. But thank you. I've learned a valuable lesson. A couple actually. But never again will I just glance by a person day after day. May you rest in peace.

My appendix is gone now. But it seems so tiny like I shouldn't complain about the pain. I still have my life, my friends, my family and people dear to me don't..
This is so surreal. All of it..
God, help me not drown..

After all this has passed,

i still will remain
After i've cried my last,
there'll be beauty from pain

my whole world is the pain inside me.
the best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place..

I guess this is it.
I've been getting through days. every day at a time.
But there's no one at the end of the finish line of everyday saying that I did okay.
In fact its usually the opposite.

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down

I look back and see where I've come from.
I've made so much progress.
but why do I want to go back to that?
Why do I want to explode?
Why do I want to breakdown? scream? hurt? implode?
THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!

Its funny that whenever I'm upset Superchick always speaks to me.
even when I was in that place.
That place where I don't remember going to school or doing anything.
Everything during those months is blurry.
Like they never happened.
But they did.



No one talks to her, she feels so alone
Shes in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made

It sucked not being there with plastic spoons. signing out pens.
it was coming home. that made it real.

I need to ask for a favor.
I'm not actually expecting anyone to be reading this.
Because I honestly doubt anyone does...
but if you do.
Tell me I did okay.
Tell me I did well.
I don't get to have a 'you done good kid'
and I need one.

I've been so strong for so long.
I don't think I can be strong anymore.

New Year.

Can I make this new year a new start?
I want to.
But if I dive in, i'm not sure I can swim.
And I don't want to risk drowning again..