When you walk My Way I Hope it gives you hell..

So basically life has been going craaazzzzyyyy!
a certain girl.
just denied me.
super ouch..
a certain boy.
really wants me.
settling is my middle name.

awesomesauce...

I have to get away from all of my mistakes.

I'm in love with my bestfriend's potential husband.
how horrible of a person am I?
very much so.

I've Got All My Life To Live and I've Got All My Love To Give

I'm giving in. completely.
I'm going to start saying things that really bother me.
like I hate it when you look over at me in English.
I hate you in general.
I know you want to read my book, you just can't ask because that would be admitting I did something right.
bitch.

****

okay so you were hurt by my actions.
I said sorry.
life's full of pain.
welcome to it.
just because you've been sheltered all your life doesn't mean I'm the only "bad guy" you'll run into.

****

I feel so strongly for you, and I know you don't feel the same.
this makes me sad.
its sad because I could be talking to two people right now. no, i am.
One just wants me physically, and I'm actually okay with that. I know I shouldn't be, but I am.
whatever.
i like you enough to let you get my phone taken away for a week. I think I can deal.
:]
but you always make me smile and you give the greatest hugs. :D
I shouldn't have told you, but I did, whatever.

****

Well if you can't get what you want, its my fault.

So today I've been halucinating all day :]
wonderful.
my life fucking sucks.
I've been like mega harmful thoughts. :D
awwwwwwesome.

****

I'm being a slut and don't even care.

****

I finished my first draft of my book!!!!
I'm so pumped about it, well because its all I have right now.

You make me feel like maybe I won't die alone..

So today was actually pretty amazing.
I even woke up in a good mood!
I got THREEEEEE hugs from him today :]

****

You make me smile so easily, its ridiculous.
I keep finding myself thinking of ways to be alone with you, so we can talk with voices :]
also to get you to say 'homeslice' :D
Yesterday there wasn't a minute that I wasn't smiling at something you'd said.
or something that you might say.

****

I laughed on the inside when you cried the other day and I don't
feel bad at all.
What kind of person does that make you?

I'm the girl that's sweeping you off your feet

Today was a good day.
Good days don't happen that often anymore..
but I think they might just start happening more and more.

I have discovered that there's a reason he can't ever escape my thoughts.
I have discovered awhile ago that he is an amazing kid.
he has the five things I want;
job.
car.
initiative.
kindness.
musical.

TAADAAAA!
perfection.
but the butterflies that have seizures in my tummy
whilst I'm trying to eat don't help anything..
but i love them.
We've been texting all day and i can feel myself start to give in to really liking him.

BUT!!!
I'm taking this slowly.
not like I have before, by saying i'm going to take it slowly
and then just jumping into things that aren't the bomb.
but this is waaaaaaaaaaay different.
I'm different.

Dance Fucker Dance.

today I feel like a puppet.
someone people can just make me do whatever the fuck they want me to do.
am I so easily drafted?
apparently.
and why the fuck do I put up with everyone?
I don't even fucking know.
I want to move as far away as possible from this piece of shit piece of land.
somewhere I can start over..

"Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
Instead I'll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains
Spinning away every piece that remains of you."
-ingrid michaelson.


I basically will always die trying.
but I try anyways.
I just want to be okay.
thats all.
I shoot for mediocre, when I know I can do better than most.
again today.
what the fuck is wrong with me?!


I'm giving up again.
like always.

"Another clever word
Sets off an unsuspecting herd
And as you step back into line
A mob jumps to their feet"
-the offspring

Today was bad,

So today was a bad day.
I had three panic attacks for like. no reason.
I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me.
this sucks a lot.

****

But on the bright side.
my mommy picked me up a strawberry frappe
when she picked me up at school.

About Time.

I am about 85% free of the drama that is my life. about fucking time.

Most people don't get it. and I don't blame them.
they have no idea what my life is like.
they have no idea whats wrong with me.
and I'm not planning on telling them.

I have a disorder.

Pediatric Autoimmune NeuroPsychiatric Disorders Associated with Strep.
p.a.n.d.a.s.
this has become my life now.

do i love having to leave class?
no.

do I love not being able to control my body half the time?
no.

Does this effect every situation in my life?
yes.

if thats craving attention.
fuck you.


****

I had the most wonderful time with Keighty today and last night.
she is, and always will be, my dearest friend.
she gives it to me straight uppp, unlike anyone else.
also her whale cock is pretty fucking intense too.
;]
also i love her.