We just run in circles..

Would someone care to classify
Our broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on.

It would be a beautiful thing to have someone to actually gives a shit.
ugh.
i didn't want this to happen to us,
I wanted it to be different then this.
I wanted it to be... more.
I know you're confused, i'm confused too.
I just don't want this to have this be pointless.
You can't always get what you want..
and some of us..
We don't ever get what we want.

And Our Cracking Bones Make Noise.

You say you're disappointed in me.
In fact "very disappointed"?
This is the definition of disappointed
What was your expectation of me?
That I would go on and be fine?
Where were those texts, love?
Accountability my ass.
You just like watching me fail.
You got what you wanted and never looked back.
You promised. You lied.
So whose the disappointment now?
Because I never claimed to be shit.
So fuck that.

Another thing that really is quite frankly really fucked up.
Reckless has 5-7 kids on SLT.
When I just stopped showing up, how many of you noticed?
When I avoided your texts or abruptly stopped talking to all of you, how many of you saw something?
None of you.
Its not the fact that you guys are supposed to be leadership,
you guys are supposed to be my friends.
And that doesn't really look good.
You're friendly when everything's going great and I'm happy and I love God.
But now that I'm here.
You guys are gone...
What does that say about you?

That's all I have to say about that.

Monique. I love you.<3

I'm glad I risked being bitched at and texted you.
I was petrified.
When you asked me who I was. I wanted to lie.
That would have gotten me no where.
Thanks for being a bud :]

blaaah

I visited New England College today.
And I fell in love.
So pretty. And the professor for education was so inspiring.
AND JOHN! dude. that guy needs a raise, I don't care what he's getting paid- its not enough.
siiiiiigh.
So many big decisions.

I have thoughts.

I've listened to 'Love the way you lie' about 45 times this week.
I think I lied to you, me and you in that practice room.
Me sitting there crying.
and you just sitting there.
my favorite part was when I asked you what you were thinking
"I need to finish these notes"
a steal knife in my windpipe
I just love the idea of you.

I'm getting a cough.
I know why.
But I could care less.
I want to be in next year.
I just want to blind myself through this year.
go become a shell and tough it out.
Try to get into college, then things will be alright.
Then we'll be on track.

Now that Leila has dreads I really want them.
I don't think I have the balls to actually go through it.
But I think I could maybe pull that off.
my hair is really thick.
it would dread easily.
it would be a fun experiment.

Its weird that I'm so positive that I know that I want to teach.
i actually just want to be in front of a class and give them everything.
Just all of me. I want to make them strive.
I want to make them want to talk. I want to make them be comfortable.
I have so much in my head that's ready to be fulfilled.
and I still have to wait.
And I'm really impatient.
:[
hopefully I'll get that internship at Breakthrough!!

Not that I don't believe.
Its just that mainly I don't care.
The things I heard or thought I heard from God
Just brought on pain. It ruined friendships with Christians.
It brought up hope to smash hope.
I don't think I want that anymore.
its not that i don't believe in God.
I just don't have the heart to care anymore...

Now 2 Reckless staff writing on my wall on the same day.
I should probably stop blogging.

Just Gonna Stand There And Watch me Burn..

Its kind of funny because when I thought of me falling apart before I imagined it quite differently.
I didn't think you would be involved.
I didn't think it would be in this world of softness.
I didn't picture it like this.
But here it is...
I guess I've known it all along that this wouldn't last, I'm not who people there think I am.
I'm done with it.
I'm sorry.


I have SNHU band tonight. I'd rather not be with a bunch of people I don't know.
But that's life.
I want to write a book now.
And throw my soul into it and burn it.
fuck everything.

you're wakened by the sound of your heart when its broken.

Can't believe we're doing this.
And all the secrets that we've kept,
Have kept us from the best of this.
The best of you and me.


I could write this;
I could write and tell you all about how this is going wonderfully and how his relationship that ripped the very organ that pumps my blood out of my body and onto the floor was a ploy to get my attention and return me to his arms where once again we would dance around each other until the moment where he would say to me, "Miranda, why have I always kept this beautiful like a secret? Be my girlfriend, let's be that weird awkward couple!" And then I would say, "That would be lovely my dear." And then my senior year would be continued with him at my side..

but all of that is bullshit.
so, that's very literally the opposite of what's happening.

So I'm frustrated and played and alone and upset.
Thank you very much, you play me better than a violin.
Ugh. I'd like to be done with this.
Morgan's house laterrr <3