I have a lot of thoughts right now.

So I'm going to try to organize them on here..

I'm sorry for this.

I don't want to be here. I want to be far away.

I want to be in college. I want to skip this year.

I would like a love. I don't think that its fair that I'm so unpredictable.

Would a guy be able to love me despite my being on of the guys?

No foreign language. second semester chem. applications. SAT scores.

I sucked at geometry.

I'm so far away from God right now...

I like Michael Cera movies.

Ryan. Mom.

I can't let my OCD come creeping back into my life.

Sigh.

Do I have this all under control?

Is it normal to think all these things all at the same time?

Is it possible to die from brain overactivity?

I hope Morgan has fun tomorrow. I hope I can shut up about all this for at least a day.

I wish I could find someone interesting. Someone I could disect slowly, layer by layer.

God's perfect timing.

is it possible to still think and know these things but not even be close to God?

Or has my mind been reshaped to think that way?

Am I really supposed to go to Cambodia? Because I thought that same voice said.. that other terrible thing that led to a lot of trouble...

Maybe I could give Meg that laptop I have.. It doesn't connect to the internet though.. Is that what she needs?

I just can't really understand my own thoughts.

They're getting to be bothersome.

I wish I was still friends with Adam.. He would say the perfect thing.

I can't dwell on that.

I need to straighten my hair for tomorrow..

So.. thats all for right now.

You Make the darkness flee...

I wish the lies that get spoken into my head would shut up.

Its one of those;

"I know God wouldn't give me more than I could handle.. but I wish He wouldn't let me handle so much"

FIRST OFF;

MEG; because you read this and check up on me.

I LOVE YOU AND I'M VERY HAPPY THAT YOU'RE GOING TO MZCS

that being said..

I will miss you as as much as I blink.

I'll miss you giving me that look when you know and I know I'm doing something I shouldn't be.

I'll miss the harassment... eh, accountability..

I'll miss the morning hugs.

But I'm so so happy that you have this opprotunity.

You've wanted this so badly, you've prayed and believed and God has delivered.

I will search for Chris and try to encourage and be encouraged even though I hardly ever see him :(

But you will be missed at Central.

ONE SMALL STEP FOR MIRANDA

I called a college today.
that was the scariest thing ever...
It was like this.
HI! I'm Miranda!
I'm super nice and friendly!
also I'm literally in love with your college.
and I also just found out my admissions rep is gong to be on leave and that sucks.
but hey listen, I don't have any years of foreign language, and that second semester chem.. its getting there..- but I had medical stuff going on. So I'm trying, honestly..
So.. will you still take me?
And then the admissions guy was like "yeah dude, that's cool, just do this."
(not his exact wording at all)

So. I'm getting there.
like. this whole thing is huge and scary and it makes me want to poop myself and run away.
but I want to get away to learn.
I want to get away to get a better life.
So I need to stick it out...
Even though this year is going to be a full, long, never ending, stressful, year.
It will be a good one.
One I've waited.. TOO long for.

Going to my dad's tonight because I miss him and because my mom doesn't want me this weekend.
I guess thats a bonus for having somewhere to send your kids when you get sick of them.
Sweet deal..

I hate band camp.

thats all thats really on my mind right now.

ALSO.

I'm really glad/upset that Meg wasn't there because I was such a swearing sailor.

I show up at school and immediately started making sexual jokes and swearing.

Its pretty gay how I can't be like.. "Oh thats not what I do"

But considering lately I haven't been feeling it..

I felt like I would be a hypocrite by saying that.

But I'll be fine.

Right?

I don't want to trust God with everything.

I don't want to move to the other side of the world.

I want to live the life I expected.

You could call the past week or so a crisis of faith.

Or something along those lines.

God keeps doing these awesome things in people's lives.

And its like He's separating me from everyone else.

Slowly... but steadily.

I'm on a little island of Miranda and watching everyone else's life go by..

Its not where I want to be..

and it gets me really sad..

I kind of just want to be done now..

just with everything.

maybe if I went somewhere else,

I could be seen as what I am.

What I could be,

And not what I've done,

Or who I've been.

And I'm just a little on edge right now

And you showing up today didn't help.

asshole.

My Online Gym Class Told Me To Excercise

So I'm exercising my fingers.
I found a loophole.

So yesterday morning was fun. even though the hour I spent in the sun now has my cheeks a nice shade of red.
I learned almost ALL the new freshmen's names! I was very proud of myself! I'm usually really bad at that.
BUT.. We have twins coming in. and there are ZERO differences. I even asked them for some.
Kyle and Keaton. You shall be my downfall at memorizing names.
But my old book-buddy Ben was there. Aw he's so grown up now. And a wicked flirt.
He's like flirting with all his little friends.
This is going to be troublesome.
But I have a huge heart for them already.
:]

Blech.
So, my not liking anyone is going SO WELL! (not sarcasm)
Like I just don't care.
Its pretty sweet.
THAT is alll i have to say about that.
The end.

College applications.
Retaking second half of Chem.
Rearranging my schedule.
Explaining to colleges that I'm not a normal kid.
That stuff happened. That I couldn't be in school a lot of the time.
And just pray that they understand.
Sigh.

So scary to lay yourself at the mercy of other people that don't know you.
They just have all your grades and your name.
And letters saying that you got sick, but you're kinda a nice kid.
Let's just hope that they can see that I try.