132 Days Until College

the confessing kind of tired. So here we are.

I have a serious problem with the fact that you only come to me when you're a mess. I get things are shit right now. I DO, more than you know. You weren't there to see me crash and burn, but I did and it wasn't pretty and I had to fucking climb my way out of that. I feel like you want me to pick you up out of it, that is something I cannot do. I CAN be there. I CAN talk to you. I CAN try to make it better. But, sometimes, I'm tired. Sometimes, I'm really upset, sad, angry. I've been putting you before myself and I shouldn't. As selfish as that sounds, I can't go back to that place.

I ALSO have a serious problem with "oh Miranda I need a drink so bad right now" STOP. You are young. You are making a habit that could kill you. Its dangerous and I love you far too much to watch you go down that path.

I saw a picture of you today and I hurt. like something physically pained me to see you. Its not that I feel for you, its not that I want to get back together. Its just, I saw you. I saw your eyes and remembered them really close to mine. You can grow facial hair better now. I'm so happy you don't go to Central. I'd fucking die.

I am not meant to take care of people.

Yet every Friday night, thats exactly what I'm doing.

All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing.

I don't even feel like a person anymore, how bad is that?
I feel like I'm a constant string of situations.
I hate chaos, but I tweak in peace.
"All that I know is I'm breathing now"
I have plans. I have things to look forward to. I feel like I'm on hold for those things, everything right now is crappy eighties music and a reminder "don't die, you life is important to us, please continue waiting."
When it comes, when all I'm waiting for is in the rear view, there will be more things to wait about.

I made a "To-Do List" for a day. I did two items. There were nine. The two I did were the least important. Good job Miranda.

Also. A big 'fuck you' to best guy friend failure. You're a douche, as always.

I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck

I don't get along with most girls. I can talk to them and be nice and friendly and such, but not really connect. My best friend is the only girl I've really opened up completely with.

i feel "big sister" to guys. Its what I do, I don't really know why. Make sure they don't turn into what I fear I guess. I've never felt "big sister" to a girl. Until this year and because I don't know how to handle it I haven't acted on it, and I feel like I should have. I relate to her, I want to protect her, I want her to know how beautiful she is. That isn't me. I am a pessimist. except for people I talk to, people I'm really close to. I doubt about hope a lot, but I try to instill it in other people.

Maybe I can "big sister" girls.. Possibly. We'll see.