To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you

Everyone has that one person that they can always lean on.

But what happens when that person walks away?

And the person next in line walks away?

And the person after that?

And the person after that?

And soon you're just curled up in a ball on your bed

crying out for someone, anyone..

Just to care, to want to be there..

But no one calls.

No one comes over.

No one texts just to see how you're doing..

Life's Not Blowing Her Kisses...

I would like to think..

that someone could truly love me for who I am.

but lately I really don't think thats possible..

I mean I'm loud and stupid and I act like a 13 year old boy sometimes.

and when I don't, I'm like a super control freak..

Who wants to love that?

Very apparently no one..

I feel so beyond unwanted.. I could walk into a room and no one would notice.

I broke down last night.. I really thought I was taking back the beauty he took away...

Apparently not..

Satan you win again..

You separate me and than crush me..

Why do I even try than?

"What happened to my little lesbian who drank and smoked all the time?!"

she died.. she went away..

Right?

or is satan just holding her back until I'm weak enough that I can't hold her back on my own..

I feel like everything is falling apart..

PTSD therapy is more than I thought it would be.. I thought I'd be able to handle it.

I can't.

I feel so ugly lately. like mega freak of nature, waste of God's time.

He makes beautiful things.

I mean.. look at the sky and look at the ocean and the mountains..

and than look at me..

I just don't fit.

I feel like the left over bit of clay that God just shoved together..

I know He loves me.

I know I'm made in His image..

But it would be so nice to feel beautiful..

To be told that I'm lovely...

That jeans and a t-shirt look great on me.

That I don't have to be anybody else but myself..

But that won't happen..

Because that's fairytale crap and this is real life...

My Place At The Table..

I take care of you the best I can, the best I know how to.. is that the only reason you keep me around? You mean so much to me and I don't know what I would do with myself if anything happened to you. I was so relieved when your mom came.. Please tell me that I'm not only just the person who holds your hair when you throw up, the one who tells you things will be okay.. Because I love you so so dearly and I don't want that to be the case, I want to get together just to do nails and masks... like the old days.. I miss those days..

You left me to take care of him, so don't yell at me for it being my natural response.

Because I'll explode.

Seriously I didn't do anything wrong and everything you're doing makes me want to scream.
Considering the people I lean on are the same people you do, don't take them away.
I understand you're going through a rough time.
But so am I. More than I'm letting on even to you.
You told me you wouldn't do this again, but here we are.
I highly doubt that this is okay for you to be doing..
You isolated me completely...
You're the only one I'm comfortable with talking to about really person stuff
and you just left me one day via text.
I understand you need space.
But I need support...
And I don't remember the last time I felt so isolated.
I'm completely cut-off from everything
and you know that.
I don't even understand why you would ever do this to me..

YAY!

U.S. History tutor, you are boss legit I don't think any other tutor I have would come over on a Friday at noon to come and talk about WWII for a solid hour. Not to mention that you have to drive half an hour to come see me. (: