A Taste of Normalcy would really be needed..
blech.
friends?
boy?
what do normal teenage girls do?!
blech.. I don't even know.

I'm Harry Potter, but not in that cool way where I'm popular and get to use magic, but in the emo ways. best guy and best girl dug each other? yeah okay thats cool. just.. a little weird, I'm not sure where exactly I fit in this picture anymore, I used to be in the middle, now I'm like.. pushed to the side. awkward. I'm okay with it, I am. I just am nervous.

You're confusing. I mean, by now you should be serenading me on the phone, but not so much. I feel like I annoy you, maybe I do. Maybe I should stop caring. I used to be interesting, easy to talk to, eay to want to date. what happened man? I put my boobs away and stopped putting out. is that whats good about me? blech. I'm dumb.

I mean I guess both of these situations would be different if I had someone, but I don't. maybe if not everyone around me had someone...? Idunno. Its like I'm a constant third wheel.. and I don't want to be any more.. thats annoying any dumb.

blech. i'm tired of this.

ALSO, I feel like I should be able to state that even though the past two weeks have thoroghly sucked, I haven't taken anything, I haven't used anything. ANYTHING.
okay, thats it.

and maybe I'm not as big a freak..

So.. I had a neurologist appointment today and that went well.
But I'm more excited about the two kids I met in the waiting room.
They both ticed. They ticed different than me, but they ticed.
We talked and talked about which tics hurt, which tics tickle.
What we do when people stare. How that feels. How we deal with it.
It was so awesome.
I'd never talked to anyone who ticed before..
It made me feel almost.. not a freak.
I was ticing and it was okay.. It was in public and okay..
That was awesome..
I wish I had friends who ticed, even though I wouldn't wish that on anyone..
But it made me feel really good for a bit.

getting the crazies.

Isolation makes people go crazy.
People end up talking to themselves.
Eating themselves.
I haven't gotten there. not yet anyways.
It would be different, if I was different.
I don't do well on my own.
I'm a people person.
Its understandable though;
I'm very aware of the fact that I look like a freak.
I'm aware that I make noises that make some uncomfortable.
I know that its annoying.
I get that.
its just hard to be alone all the time.
Its hard to have people stare at my making uncontrollable noises.

There are people I turn to a couple of them anyways.
And I don't expect them to want to come see me..
I just wish they would..

What doesn't kill you..

Ugh. I'd rather be able to control my body than go through this.
Flailing my arms around.
Making noises that don't sound like anything.
Bird Squaks. Dino roars.
..the norm, I guess...
I can't help feeling like a freak.
I know its not really me, but I just can't help feeling like I'm a thousand times different than every other kid..
Its so hard to feel confident when I'm doing math problems and flailing my arms.
Its so hard to feel beautiful when I'm contorting my face uncontrollably.
Its so hard to feel good, smart, healthy..
Almost impossible..
I don't like to complain about it, I don't like explaining it..
I don't like my dog staring at me like a freak.. even though everyone else does.
Everyone but my parents..
People look, and I guess I understand. I don't know exactly whats going on inside of me. I don't know why I can't control my body. I don't know why this has come back..

I hate this. Its so uncomfortable; physically and emotionally.