Where I Go When I Go There.

So, I'm in love with the most amazing human being on the planet.

But I suppose everyone in love thinks that as well..

She makes me want to be a better person.

She makes me want to help others.

She makes it okay to shoot for above mediocre, even if that means failing.

She inspires me and makes me smile and makes my heart burst every time my phone vibrates.

I sing to her and dream about her.

I long to hold her close every night and it kills me that I can't.

Well.

I could keep gushing about how incredible she is..

but I don't think I need to tell everyone.

What I know is what I know.

Happiest day of my life.

Was Saturday.
GAH! she's so funny and perky and wise and beautiful and deep and amazing in a hundred thousand ways.
Whenever I'm around I want to be closer and closer still.
I would crawl through fire for her.
She makes me feel giddy and like I'm doing all of this for the very first time.
Our phone calls last until four in the morning and we never run out of things to say.
She makes me happy inside.
I find myself unable to not smile when talking to her. or seeing her. or thinking of her.
She lights up everything around her.
:]
I'm beyond happy.

How We survive Is what makes us who we are.

So my entire summer has been a huge game of never ending catch-up, and I'm honestly incredibly done. I'm looking forward to school. To getting my license. To being a normal kid. but there's a pain inside of me, a scare. Once I can blend in, will I never be noticed again? Let me rationalize this. I have always been know by what kid of disorder I had or who I was with. I'm trying to break this cycle. Its gotten to the point where simply 'Miranda' isn't good enough. At least for me.

This past year was brutal on me.
I lost friends whom I thought I would have for the rest of my life.
Gained some.
and won some back.
I've come to understand that almost nothing I am is because of me.
it's always what I'm seen as, what I'm expected to be.
I'm a people please and I will fill any role anyone needs at any cost.

In the past two years I have been
needy
slutty
unneeded
taken for granted
loved.
lost.
completely hopeless.

I have all these moods in me all the time, and I don't comprehend how to deal with them anymore. They come and go and I'm left remaining, hollow. I'm just a case of who I was now. I'm a smile to mask my pain. I'm a 'hey, girl, hey' to mask a need to be loved. I'm an unneeded sexual comment to mask how empty I actually am. I don't know what I am anymore.

I pine for love, but push people away. I need someone to break my cast and help me gain back my strength. I would never ask that of anyone. ever. I may have found someone I can trust with that. I find them to be one of the most amazing people I have ever met. And they inspire me to be able to break out of my cast.

Let's start a brand new adventure.