I wonder..

So this just kinda happened in my head.

I wonder sometimes how many 12 year old girls watch MTV and then damn themselves for not having six packs, or DD cup breasts. I wonder how many of those girls starve or binge themselves to the verge of death to make it feel better.

I wonder how many boys watch movies where hitting women is okay, or watch porn where the female is choked, slapped, beaten, gang banged and develop the thought process that girls are okay to hit.

I wonder how many kids in broken homes feel like they need to do anything to be loved. I wonder how many of those kids grow up to be the abuser or the abused. Emulating their parents' insanity.

How many girls are taken advantage of and grow up too fast or destroy their bodies through self mutilation or throwing themselves towards abusive men.

How many lives are destroyed, dismantled by what someone saw when they were young? How many lives could have been saved by preventing that or simply being on the other side of a phone. How many people would you save if you thought you could help them?

Maybe people have to look outward instead of examining their own pain constantly.

Excuse me

while my past ruins my present.

I love this

I have so much going on right now I feel like a plate spinner.
Maybe when I go to Sanibel with Mommy I'll start thinking more clearly.

104 Days

Until college.

I don't want to be in this stage of my life anymore. i just want to move on, leave things and people and stupidness behind. I honestly hate high school, being in it. I feel trapped there and I always have.. I don't exactly know why but I don't think I ever fit there, maybe that's insecure or juvenile, but its how I feel. I never really had a set group of friends until this year- mainly because I wasn't in school enough to even know people's names but still. There was never a sense of belonging for me never the "I'm a high schooler and you're a high schooler. YEAH!" High School wasn't my niche.

I cannot help but wonder what my roommate is going to be like. Ex. My mom will mention getting a certain food for my room to snack on and I immediately think 'what if my roommate is allergic or doesn't like it? Or thinks I'm wicked stupid for bringing food?' I'm probably not the only one who does that- but thinking about someone that A) I don't know and B) isn't definite to share a room with me yet.

I just want it to be here.

I wish my mom wasn't such a slut.

Great example, cunt.

132 Days Until College

the confessing kind of tired. So here we are.

I have a serious problem with the fact that you only come to me when you're a mess. I get things are shit right now. I DO, more than you know. You weren't there to see me crash and burn, but I did and it wasn't pretty and I had to fucking climb my way out of that. I feel like you want me to pick you up out of it, that is something I cannot do. I CAN be there. I CAN talk to you. I CAN try to make it better. But, sometimes, I'm tired. Sometimes, I'm really upset, sad, angry. I've been putting you before myself and I shouldn't. As selfish as that sounds, I can't go back to that place.

I ALSO have a serious problem with "oh Miranda I need a drink so bad right now" STOP. You are young. You are making a habit that could kill you. Its dangerous and I love you far too much to watch you go down that path.

I saw a picture of you today and I hurt. like something physically pained me to see you. Its not that I feel for you, its not that I want to get back together. Its just, I saw you. I saw your eyes and remembered them really close to mine. You can grow facial hair better now. I'm so happy you don't go to Central. I'd fucking die.