Another year over..

So its my birthday.
I'm 19.
Fanntastic.

Thanksgiving/Rhode Island

On 'Black Friday' I went to Rhode Island to see extended family.
Which was fantastic, I never get to see them and I do miss them.
But when I'm with them I don't want to leave. I want to stay there and become one in there hectic crazy lifestyle.
My cousin Avery is two years younger than I am (making her 16) and was surprised at how much we have in common.
Even though there's a state between us we ended up alike.
I met their friends, a lot of their friends.
One friend stuck out.
It could be because he had a ton in common with me, but I think it was because at 18 and still in high school, he was registered in the army.
He showed me his army ID and I wanted to pick his brain about what could happen to him.
But I dropped it. I had just met him, that would be impolite. *(If thats the word for asking "what happens when you come home with no arms")
But his best friend, my cousin, has absolutely no idea what he wants to do when he gets out of high school in June.
It puts things in perspective I guess..

Also. I hate the Turkeybowl.
Even though I probably will show my sorry ass there next year, I still hate it.

I don't want to sound repetitive but;

I'm having a really terrible month.

So, things have been going downstream. and it wasn't just one aspect of my life, it was a whole bunch of them.
I find myself unbelievably angry. The angry you see in a movie and don't think could ever actually exist.
I have had the longing to hit and punch and scream.

I have worked so hard. I spend so many hours working at this, for this. But you just decided I'm not good enough anymore? I don't think so. So I'm quitting. I'm gone. I can go home earlier. Fuck it.

I work and forever try, but I'm cursed so never mind
And it's worse but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher, the more that I climb


I'd rather just stop trying.
I'd rather just stop hoping in order to avoid the letdown.
I'd rather the world just stop and let me off...

broski

Sitting in my room with my baby brodder
"i'm going to go crazy when you leave Miranda. I'm going to call campus security and check up on you and make sure that nobody is creeping on you"
aw, baby. I'll miss him. So much. He's like my little brother/best friend/worst enemy.
He looks out for me and my mom.
Like if my mom has a date he like tweaks out. He paces but he doesn't want anyone to notice.
He gets protective, its pretty adorable.

Confession #2
I come off as either a huge bitch or a really nice young lady.
Never in between. And that drives me crazy.

I love Harry Potter- But I love Ron more.

"Dumbledore
watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears. 'After all this time?' 'Always' Snape said."
H.P.& the D.H.

I saw Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows [part one] today. Which is opening day.
It was very well done.

It made me feel very alone though- considering the main theme is relationships in this one. Between the trio of friends; between Ron and Hermione; briefly between Harry and Ginny; between families.
I want to be a Weasley. I want to escape my family. I want to be a wizard. I want a lot of things.
I'm tired of wanting- I understand I cannot be a wizard, I never received my letter, nor have I any magical ability. I understand that unless there is a REAL family named Weasley and one of them is willing to marry me for at least a couple hours- I cannot be a Weasley. But I can escape my family. And I will- someday. Not my family- just this house; this situation; this unhappiness.

I'm listening to Explosions in The Sky- Your Hand In Mine. That is probably not helping. I tend to be so moved by music and instrumental music even more so.

Changing the subject; Its 12:04 and I'm thinking of a person I'm not allowed to think of. And that's where my mind keeps going back to. Continuously. And I would rather that not be the case. Because feelings are complicated. Because you like someone. Because I'm Miranda.


I want you to tell me who you are now. Not then. Please.
I find you interesting. I find myself wanting to know what goes on in your head. Let me in there. Because I'm letting you in and I feel like its getting a little one sided. And that makes me want to close up. Just saying.

Baby Brodder

Today was my little brother's birthday, he's fourteen.
That's fucking crazy.
Not Allowed.
I feel old now.
Ten day until my birfday.

Think Of Me When You're Out; When You're Out There.

So I just noticed that I haven't made any confessions since making this blog, which (besides getting things off my chest) was what this was for.
To stay real, to get parts of my self that aren't usually out there out from hiding inside of me.
Okay SO.
CONFESSION:
i love dresses. especially frilly dresses. cute dresses. But I'm very particular in my taste. The ones in the photo are basically perfect. I want them to be in my closet and I want fishnets to wear with them. I tend to present myself as 'one of the guys' and tough and act like putting on a dress would make me melt, but I love it.
In fact I have my semi dress for Music Dept semi not only picked out and purchased, but hanging on my wall where I can see it and admire it and think of what kind of shoes and jewelery to wear with it.
So underneath my hating it, I am feminine.