ick.

I promised myself I wouldn't blog about you today.
I've promised myself a lot of things..

But I had a serious thought today; I'm not like you. I'm not "your kind" of girl; I wast thinking of the girls you hang out with, the people you relate to. You couldn't possibly consider me a viable option compared to them; they're so smart, and while i'm not dumb I certainly didn't get an 800 on any section of my SAT's. Maybe everytime you say I "amuse" you its because you think I'm a fool. jesters were amusing. So is the kid in class that doesn't understand anything. Is that how you see me? As much as I hope every time you scrunch your face to the side when I ask you a question that's probably really easy for you is your way of telling me something, its probably nothing and I'm probably over-thinking all of this. All I know is that every time I see you my belly has a happy explosion and I keep thinking of what it would be like to hold your hand. But that's my end. And only my end...

My mother has me in a choke hold and I am turning purple.
I am seriously going crazy in this house.
i cannot wait to leave this behind me.

Somewhere Between Unsure and A Hundred

This, is my 100th post.

I have a lot on my mind right now.
A year ago I gave my life to God.
And now I'm here.
Which isn't where I thought I would be.
I don't really think I can be in that place again.


Oh you and your being adorable.
How I can't get over you.
I don't think I want to.

The right person will stiill think the sun shines out of your ass.

My parent's marriage didn't work out. Okay, in all honesty that's being really nice. My parent's marriage didn't really even exist in more than a sense more than on paper and legal documents and such.
Most couples I've grown up seeing hate each other. I have no idea why they got married in the first place. For my parents, it was Dylan. They had nine months to plan and perform a wedding. (it went off like a shot) Marriage and love and everything that really goes along with that- I'm not sure if I can believe in love.
I'm very much in love with the idea of it. That it sweeps over you and makes you happy. I just doubt that it can actually work out. Its been proven to me that it can't more than it can. I'm starting to doubt that love even is a thing. Maybe you're right- love is an emotion that humans make up in order to reproduce...
I don't think that there could ever really be a huge moment like that for me. Any moment when I completely give in with someone and know I want to spend forever with them.. Most people drive me crazy. I really have a low tolerance for bullshit. I get really frustrated. I like to be in the loop. I like when things go my way. If anyone could actually fall in love with that, that's stupid.
There was an instance when I thought I loved someone, truly. I don't believe I really, truly, deeply did though. It was more of a "I am going to fall in love with you... NOW" and so I believed enough that I was, when I cared for him, but not before myself.
You should have come out tonight. At least after I decorated your yard. At least after you could tell that I wanted to see you. I made it so clear to you. There was no possible way that you couldn't hear the longing in my voice. And when you didn't come outside something happened, I got really sad. But you stood up to me. Maybe you were teasing me. Maybe you were being a jerk. Maybe you were just too cold. But you didn't want to go outside and all my begging and pleading didn't sway you. That's never happened.
I need you to know everything that goes through my head when my phone lights up and its you. Maybe I'm just becoming older and my human instincts are telling me I have to reproduce.. But I don't want to believe that theory.

also

Wearing jeans that haven't fit for a year and a half.
:]
These past two days have been awesome.
going to a huge thrift store with Morgster and her family
then tomorrow seeing Keighty and Sarah for the first time in forever.
Wow.
Life is crazy right now.

:]

I'm trying to think if I have anything profound to say right now.
And this is all I have;

I told you that you could ask me anything
And you asked me who I was.
You make my insides bubble and turn and explode.
You said what I responded with was "interesting"
when I asked why you responded
"Its who you are, how is that not interesting?"
I don't think you have any idea what that did to me.
you care to listen, you don't fake it, you're straight with me,
and I'm comfortable enough to be straight with you.
that means more than you can even know.

Sitting next to you is the best part of my day, I wonder if you know that.
hm.

I've fallen so far away from the place that I started from

"What have I become?
Something soft and really quite dumb"

Ingrid Michealson. I love how much I can relate to you. Its fantastic, really.

Anyways original point. This is nuts how different I am from two years ago.
granted I am becoming hard lately, I see that and am trying to reverse that.
But I'm soft now. Or softer. Or have softer tendencies.
I don't know how to explain it.
But i feel more of a longing to be close to individuals.
to search them and find their secrets and love them for whoever they are.


you have a lot to do with that.


"But you make me think that maybe I won't die alone
Maybe I won't die alone"

Finished PSTD therapy. for good.
Last night was my very last night.
We went dress shopping as a symbol of my re-gaining my beauty that was stolen.
A year ago I couldn't say his name because I looked at myself as broken and defeated by him.
Now I can look in the mirror and see happy and pretty and good things.
Because he didn't take them away. He just caused me to doubt myself.
I cried last night. Saying goodbye to her.
So much work, so much has gone between us.
I didn't cry in front of her though, I waited until I got in the car.
And I shed a couple "I'll miss her more dearly than you can know" tears.


It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference. ~Tom Brokaw
You made a difference in me; in my family; in my life.