bleech.

I can't go to Reckless tonight and that makes me upset.
:[
Maybe I'll just cuddle up with my Bible and have my own mini-Reckless all by myself..
Gah. This is lameness.
Massive amounts of schoolwork.
Massive amounts of stupidity.
I'm at my daddy's this weekend, henceforth no Reckless OR church :[
Sadness.
Maybe i'll just chill out by myself and hangout with my Jesus :]

MEG DELANEY, LMAK, AURA WOOD
can we please hangout soon?
I miss you guys..

Ugh.

Its not even so much painful as it is uncomfortable.
I have to like watch every movement I make.
ugh. I'm melting into my couch. I'm so bored.
I'm notttt ready for school again though, thats for surree.
I walked in CVS and like imploded it hurt so badly.
blah. Percocet take me awayyyy..

I feel so stupid for looking up to you.
You showed me a beautiful girl can CHOOSE to be pure.
You inspired me. You helped me grow.
Now look at you.
You've turned your back on everything that you wanted for me.
I talked to you about how hard it was for me. And now you're doing all the thing you told me not to.
What is wrong with you?
no. I know.
Its him. ugh.
He's so stupid, so wrong for you.
Get AWAY FROM HIM.
Get closer to who you should be closer to.
I see you in the halls and you're just a shadow..
Where did you go..?
It isn't my problem.

Reality Hits Home.

I know I haven't written in a while but..

This week is nuts. So scary. So surreal.
Me in the hospital seemed bad enough.
Unbelievable pain. Drugged up. Scared.
I'd relive that a hundred thousand times to "fix" the past 24 hours..

Uncle Dave; you weren't even MY uncle. But you were so awesome. The way you made my bestfriend light up every time you said something inappropriate was inspiring.. You meant the world to her. You treated me like family. You let me come over to play with kittens. You had a ginormous heart. You'll be missed. Truly. By all.

Alexis. I didn't even know you. I passed you in the halls. I glanced by you.. And now you're gone. I'll never be able to say hi to you. But thank you. I've learned a valuable lesson. A couple actually. But never again will I just glance by a person day after day. May you rest in peace.

My appendix is gone now. But it seems so tiny like I shouldn't complain about the pain. I still have my life, my friends, my family and people dear to me don't..
This is so surreal. All of it..
God, help me not drown..

After all this has passed,

i still will remain
After i've cried my last,
there'll be beauty from pain

my whole world is the pain inside me.
the best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place..

I guess this is it.
I've been getting through days. every day at a time.
But there's no one at the end of the finish line of everyday saying that I did okay.
In fact its usually the opposite.

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down

I look back and see where I've come from.
I've made so much progress.
but why do I want to go back to that?
Why do I want to explode?
Why do I want to breakdown? scream? hurt? implode?
THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!

Its funny that whenever I'm upset Superchick always speaks to me.
even when I was in that place.
That place where I don't remember going to school or doing anything.
Everything during those months is blurry.
Like they never happened.
But they did.



No one talks to her, she feels so alone
Shes in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made

It sucked not being there with plastic spoons. signing out pens.
it was coming home. that made it real.

I need to ask for a favor.
I'm not actually expecting anyone to be reading this.
Because I honestly doubt anyone does...
but if you do.
Tell me I did okay.
Tell me I did well.
I don't get to have a 'you done good kid'
and I need one.

I've been so strong for so long.
I don't think I can be strong anymore.

New Year.

Can I make this new year a new start?
I want to.
But if I dive in, i'm not sure I can swim.
And I don't want to risk drowning again..

I'mmm Harry Pottterr :D

Harry Potter Exhibit at Boston Museum of Science :D

SO AMAZING!

Hogwarts Express IN REAL LIFE!!!

Holy smokes!

IloveloveloveloveloveHarryPotter.

Best time of my lifeee<33

HolyMoley

MORGANCOFFEY!!

You are amazingg.

I lovelovelove you<3

Galen is such a sweetheart and I think he's awesome for you<3

You guys are so so so so cute together :D

God is helping me out a lot lately.

I mean he helps me not breakdown in public anymore, which is kinda a biggbigg deal.

I'm veryveryvery thankful for that. I dont even have to worry about it anymore.

I love You. Thank you<3

Somewhere Weakness Is Our Strength..

I'm pretty much done with letting you run my life.

You've had control, all the control, for way too long.

Everything I do, you come into play.

Every friendship.

Every class.

Every relationship.

How I interact with people.

How I over share.

How I'm afraid of you.

You have control, and I'm not okay with that.

I just don't know how to have the control.. Its been so long.

Maybe if I just could forget all about you.

Just erase you out of my life.

But it doesn't work like that.

I wish it did, but it doesn't.

I have to work through everyday trying to be okay with what you did.

You get to walk right past me everyday, look through me.

I have no respect for you.

I never will.

I'm sorry I talk about him so much.

He's just kind of destroying my insides and has been for awhile...

I'm so worried about you.

You messed up and you know that.

But you're going in the wrong direction.

You shouldn't be with him. He's distancing you from God.

Even I can see it.

Sure you're still really sweet and kind and listen..

But God's not really in control with you anymore..

I'm sorry, but it sucks for me to see that because I looked up to you in a spiritual way..

thank God for Meg <3

She gave me the push I'd been waiting for. The one I needed.

'She deals with kids with abuse in their pasts'

Thank you.

I'm excited to go to coffee with Jill.

Get to know her, see how we click...

If anything I need right now, I need a mentor...

Someone I can go up to and be like 'GAH HELP!'

Because I don't really have that now..

Ugh. This one's really long. Sorry for that I guess.

I have so much going on inside my head. Its like a whirlwind of emotions..

Like this blur of so many things that I don't know how I really feel anymore..

I'm sorry.. I'm trying.

But maybe trying isn't enough..

I'll try to work this out..