Let's start off with my overnight, shall we?
so I really just want to be in college classes, in a dorm, with a roommate, with new people, in a new place.
GAH. it was awesome. These girls just let me creep on them all day.
wow. i really just said that.
They called me "Maddie's shadow" probably because they couldn't remember my name, whatever.
so they were just talking about the stuff that happened there like SEX TOY BINGO?! yes. not kidding.
And last night they had a candy bar buffet! How awesome is that?! So awesome. Also it was free.
I bought me some comfy pants. Heard their gossip and watched Glee and Teen Mom with them.
It was pretty boss.

;]

This, my friends, is where I am going to be spending the night tomorrow night. :]
This, my dears, is where I would like to be spending a lot more of my nights. Potentially four years of nights.
New England College. :]
Beyond words.
I am excited beyond words.
I'm not nervous.
I'm anxious; I just want to be there. I want to meet my host student.
I'm leaving school early tomorrow to be there at three to meet my host student, to spend the day and night there. To pretend that I'm living there. To get an actual feel for it. AH! I'm so beyond excited. I get to talk to her and ask her questions that would be weird to ask an admissions counselor like "will I leave this school an alcoholic?" Things like that.
I never thought I would be here.
I never thought I would be comfortable enough in my own skin to be able to go to a college without a security blanket in the form of my mom or be able to talk to admissions reps.
But here I am.
I'm doing it.
There was a point where I didn't know or think I was going to live through high school, and now my future is spread out like an endless buffet.
(side point N.E.C. has AN ICE CREAM BAR?!)
That's crazy, not only to me but my mom aswell.
Mad props to her for putting up with this.
I'm happy that she gets to see the end result of all the hard work we've both put in.
:]

You see the Real Me...

Today is 10/10/1o
A lot happened this weekend.
A lot of positive change.

There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But You love me even now...

I'm sorry I walked away...
I'm continuously going to pray out Psalm 51.
I'm going to stay with these things that I've sworn to You in our secret place.


[:
Also I don't have to wake up early tomorrow!
AND!! Overnight at NEC this week!!!!
I gotta feeling that this could be the turn around.
:]

Also I think I'm going to apply to Gordon aswell..
hm.
[:

I Hate Weddings.

*listen to the song Cath by Death Cab. I really feel like that goes very well with this.

I was at a wedding last night and literally just wanted to kill someone the entire time. Its not that I hate other's happiness. That's not it at all. I just don't like everyone in a room being happy when I am confused and sad and scared. That really doesn't do it for m*e. It doesn't help that I highly doubt that anyone would be crazy enough to ever really want to spend the rest of their life with me.
I watched my cousin, Andy, watch his bride walk down the aisle to him. There was something in his eyes. He didn't want anything but her. I grew up with him. I played cops and robbers with him. Watched him laugh at a nail through my brother's foot. And he looked near tears. He wanted nothing but her.. I doubt anyone will ever feel that for me.
I find that now that I'm not as hard and cold I'm being taken advantage of. I wasn't aware that was part of it. I'm pretty sure that's why I built up this huge ass wall in the first place. Friends of my parents consistently tell them to watch out. To get a baseball bat because they'll be beating off boys. Maybe if boys in high school thought with the head above their shoulders. Maybe if I was a size 4. Maybe if I was smarter. Maybe if I couldn't burp the alphabet. But that's not me.. And I don't really believe that there could be a person who loves a belching, wise-ass, stubborn, loving Miranda.
Also I really don't have any proof that love actually exists. I've only seen one relationship my entire life that worked out. My grandparents. And they worked at it. Consistently.
According to birth order of the cousins on my dad's side I only have 4 left. One of them is already engaged. So three and then I'm up... I have a feeling I'm going to be "poor Miranda.." "did you hear about Miranda" "She can't find anyone to put up with her."
Maybe I'll go my mom's route and get knocked up and take it out on my kids for the rest of their lives. That sounds good.


I'm going to Reckless tonight.
I might be smite upon entering church.
Fuck.
I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself.
Maybe if He could prove it.
Maybe if He could make it better.
Then i could be okay..

Senior Pride?

I never gave two shits about Central. Ever.
I never wanted to be in the school.
I tried to transfer to Memorial.
I find that i'm trying to not hate this school.
Even though I do. a lot
At least I'm finding more of my own style.

I often thought of six impossible things before breakfast

Coming close to the way I was.
Waaay back in eighth grade.
Or even before then.


I need to stop thinking of impossible things..
They get my hope up and then shatter it.
I highly doubt you've thought of me since our conversation.
ugh.
I need someone to tell me that its stupid
or someone to tell me that its not.
Because I don't know..
blahblahblah.

This was a very girl post.

Losing Hope In Humanity.

I've given you so much of me and you've thrown me away.
But not before shitting on me and using me.
I can't hate anyone more than I hate you.
I want to destroy something, anything pretending its you.
I can't even express how furiously pissed I am.
You've thrown away everything I was to you.
I'm so glad to know that I wasn't worth shit.
I hope you implode again.
This time I won't be there to pick up all the goddamn pieces.
I put so much trust in you.
So much faith.
Thank you for throwing that away.
You're the biggest letdown yet.