I Hate Weddings.

*listen to the song Cath by Death Cab. I really feel like that goes very well with this.

I was at a wedding last night and literally just wanted to kill someone the entire time. Its not that I hate other's happiness. That's not it at all. I just don't like everyone in a room being happy when I am confused and sad and scared. That really doesn't do it for m*e. It doesn't help that I highly doubt that anyone would be crazy enough to ever really want to spend the rest of their life with me.
I watched my cousin, Andy, watch his bride walk down the aisle to him. There was something in his eyes. He didn't want anything but her. I grew up with him. I played cops and robbers with him. Watched him laugh at a nail through my brother's foot. And he looked near tears. He wanted nothing but her.. I doubt anyone will ever feel that for me.
I find that now that I'm not as hard and cold I'm being taken advantage of. I wasn't aware that was part of it. I'm pretty sure that's why I built up this huge ass wall in the first place. Friends of my parents consistently tell them to watch out. To get a baseball bat because they'll be beating off boys. Maybe if boys in high school thought with the head above their shoulders. Maybe if I was a size 4. Maybe if I was smarter. Maybe if I couldn't burp the alphabet. But that's not me.. And I don't really believe that there could be a person who loves a belching, wise-ass, stubborn, loving Miranda.
Also I really don't have any proof that love actually exists. I've only seen one relationship my entire life that worked out. My grandparents. And they worked at it. Consistently.
According to birth order of the cousins on my dad's side I only have 4 left. One of them is already engaged. So three and then I'm up... I have a feeling I'm going to be "poor Miranda.." "did you hear about Miranda" "She can't find anyone to put up with her."
Maybe I'll go my mom's route and get knocked up and take it out on my kids for the rest of their lives. That sounds good.


I'm going to Reckless tonight.
I might be smite upon entering church.
Fuck.
I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself.
Maybe if He could prove it.
Maybe if He could make it better.
Then i could be okay..

Senior Pride?

I never gave two shits about Central. Ever.
I never wanted to be in the school.
I tried to transfer to Memorial.
I find that i'm trying to not hate this school.
Even though I do. a lot
At least I'm finding more of my own style.

I often thought of six impossible things before breakfast

Coming close to the way I was.
Waaay back in eighth grade.
Or even before then.


I need to stop thinking of impossible things..
They get my hope up and then shatter it.
I highly doubt you've thought of me since our conversation.
ugh.
I need someone to tell me that its stupid
or someone to tell me that its not.
Because I don't know..
blahblahblah.

This was a very girl post.

Losing Hope In Humanity.

I've given you so much of me and you've thrown me away.
But not before shitting on me and using me.
I can't hate anyone more than I hate you.
I want to destroy something, anything pretending its you.
I can't even express how furiously pissed I am.
You've thrown away everything I was to you.
I'm so glad to know that I wasn't worth shit.
I hope you implode again.
This time I won't be there to pick up all the goddamn pieces.
I put so much trust in you.
So much faith.
Thank you for throwing that away.
You're the biggest letdown yet.

We just run in circles..

Would someone care to classify
Our broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on.

It would be a beautiful thing to have someone to actually gives a shit.
ugh.
i didn't want this to happen to us,
I wanted it to be different then this.
I wanted it to be... more.
I know you're confused, i'm confused too.
I just don't want this to have this be pointless.
You can't always get what you want..
and some of us..
We don't ever get what we want.

And Our Cracking Bones Make Noise.

You say you're disappointed in me.
In fact "very disappointed"?
This is the definition of disappointed
What was your expectation of me?
That I would go on and be fine?
Where were those texts, love?
Accountability my ass.
You just like watching me fail.
You got what you wanted and never looked back.
You promised. You lied.
So whose the disappointment now?
Because I never claimed to be shit.
So fuck that.

Another thing that really is quite frankly really fucked up.
Reckless has 5-7 kids on SLT.
When I just stopped showing up, how many of you noticed?
When I avoided your texts or abruptly stopped talking to all of you, how many of you saw something?
None of you.
Its not the fact that you guys are supposed to be leadership,
you guys are supposed to be my friends.
And that doesn't really look good.
You're friendly when everything's going great and I'm happy and I love God.
But now that I'm here.
You guys are gone...
What does that say about you?

That's all I have to say about that.

Monique. I love you.<3

I'm glad I risked being bitched at and texted you.
I was petrified.
When you asked me who I was. I wanted to lie.
That would have gotten me no where.
Thanks for being a bud :]

blaaah

I visited New England College today.
And I fell in love.
So pretty. And the professor for education was so inspiring.
AND JOHN! dude. that guy needs a raise, I don't care what he's getting paid- its not enough.
siiiiiigh.
So many big decisions.