I have thoughts.

I've listened to 'Love the way you lie' about 45 times this week.
I think I lied to you, me and you in that practice room.
Me sitting there crying.
and you just sitting there.
my favorite part was when I asked you what you were thinking
"I need to finish these notes"
a steal knife in my windpipe
I just love the idea of you.

I'm getting a cough.
I know why.
But I could care less.
I want to be in next year.
I just want to blind myself through this year.
go become a shell and tough it out.
Try to get into college, then things will be alright.
Then we'll be on track.

Now that Leila has dreads I really want them.
I don't think I have the balls to actually go through it.
But I think I could maybe pull that off.
my hair is really thick.
it would dread easily.
it would be a fun experiment.

Its weird that I'm so positive that I know that I want to teach.
i actually just want to be in front of a class and give them everything.
Just all of me. I want to make them strive.
I want to make them want to talk. I want to make them be comfortable.
I have so much in my head that's ready to be fulfilled.
and I still have to wait.
And I'm really impatient.
:[
hopefully I'll get that internship at Breakthrough!!

Not that I don't believe.
Its just that mainly I don't care.
The things I heard or thought I heard from God
Just brought on pain. It ruined friendships with Christians.
It brought up hope to smash hope.
I don't think I want that anymore.
its not that i don't believe in God.
I just don't have the heart to care anymore...

Now 2 Reckless staff writing on my wall on the same day.
I should probably stop blogging.

Just Gonna Stand There And Watch me Burn..

Its kind of funny because when I thought of me falling apart before I imagined it quite differently.
I didn't think you would be involved.
I didn't think it would be in this world of softness.
I didn't picture it like this.
But here it is...
I guess I've known it all along that this wouldn't last, I'm not who people there think I am.
I'm done with it.
I'm sorry.


I have SNHU band tonight. I'd rather not be with a bunch of people I don't know.
But that's life.
I want to write a book now.
And throw my soul into it and burn it.
fuck everything.

you're wakened by the sound of your heart when its broken.

Can't believe we're doing this.
And all the secrets that we've kept,
Have kept us from the best of this.
The best of you and me.


I could write this;
I could write and tell you all about how this is going wonderfully and how his relationship that ripped the very organ that pumps my blood out of my body and onto the floor was a ploy to get my attention and return me to his arms where once again we would dance around each other until the moment where he would say to me, "Miranda, why have I always kept this beautiful like a secret? Be my girlfriend, let's be that weird awkward couple!" And then I would say, "That would be lovely my dear." And then my senior year would be continued with him at my side..

but all of that is bullshit.
so, that's very literally the opposite of what's happening.

So I'm frustrated and played and alone and upset.
Thank you very much, you play me better than a violin.
Ugh. I'd like to be done with this.
Morgan's house laterrr <3

I have a lot of thoughts right now.

So I'm going to try to organize them on here..

I'm sorry for this.

I don't want to be here. I want to be far away.

I want to be in college. I want to skip this year.

I would like a love. I don't think that its fair that I'm so unpredictable.

Would a guy be able to love me despite my being on of the guys?

No foreign language. second semester chem. applications. SAT scores.

I sucked at geometry.

I'm so far away from God right now...

I like Michael Cera movies.

Ryan. Mom.

I can't let my OCD come creeping back into my life.

Sigh.

Do I have this all under control?

Is it normal to think all these things all at the same time?

Is it possible to die from brain overactivity?

I hope Morgan has fun tomorrow. I hope I can shut up about all this for at least a day.

I wish I could find someone interesting. Someone I could disect slowly, layer by layer.

God's perfect timing.

is it possible to still think and know these things but not even be close to God?

Or has my mind been reshaped to think that way?

Am I really supposed to go to Cambodia? Because I thought that same voice said.. that other terrible thing that led to a lot of trouble...

Maybe I could give Meg that laptop I have.. It doesn't connect to the internet though.. Is that what she needs?

I just can't really understand my own thoughts.

They're getting to be bothersome.

I wish I was still friends with Adam.. He would say the perfect thing.

I can't dwell on that.

I need to straighten my hair for tomorrow..

So.. thats all for right now.

You Make the darkness flee...

I wish the lies that get spoken into my head would shut up.

Its one of those;

"I know God wouldn't give me more than I could handle.. but I wish He wouldn't let me handle so much"

FIRST OFF;

MEG; because you read this and check up on me.

I LOVE YOU AND I'M VERY HAPPY THAT YOU'RE GOING TO MZCS

that being said..

I will miss you as as much as I blink.

I'll miss you giving me that look when you know and I know I'm doing something I shouldn't be.

I'll miss the harassment... eh, accountability..

I'll miss the morning hugs.

But I'm so so happy that you have this opprotunity.

You've wanted this so badly, you've prayed and believed and God has delivered.

I will search for Chris and try to encourage and be encouraged even though I hardly ever see him :(

But you will be missed at Central.

ONE SMALL STEP FOR MIRANDA

I called a college today.
that was the scariest thing ever...
It was like this.
HI! I'm Miranda!
I'm super nice and friendly!
also I'm literally in love with your college.
and I also just found out my admissions rep is gong to be on leave and that sucks.
but hey listen, I don't have any years of foreign language, and that second semester chem.. its getting there..- but I had medical stuff going on. So I'm trying, honestly..
So.. will you still take me?
And then the admissions guy was like "yeah dude, that's cool, just do this."
(not his exact wording at all)

So. I'm getting there.
like. this whole thing is huge and scary and it makes me want to poop myself and run away.
but I want to get away to learn.
I want to get away to get a better life.
So I need to stick it out...
Even though this year is going to be a full, long, never ending, stressful, year.
It will be a good one.
One I've waited.. TOO long for.

Going to my dad's tonight because I miss him and because my mom doesn't want me this weekend.
I guess thats a bonus for having somewhere to send your kids when you get sick of them.
Sweet deal..