I hate band camp.

thats all thats really on my mind right now.

ALSO.

I'm really glad/upset that Meg wasn't there because I was such a swearing sailor.

I show up at school and immediately started making sexual jokes and swearing.

Its pretty gay how I can't be like.. "Oh thats not what I do"

But considering lately I haven't been feeling it..

I felt like I would be a hypocrite by saying that.

But I'll be fine.

Right?

I don't want to trust God with everything.

I don't want to move to the other side of the world.

I want to live the life I expected.

You could call the past week or so a crisis of faith.

Or something along those lines.

God keeps doing these awesome things in people's lives.

And its like He's separating me from everyone else.

Slowly... but steadily.

I'm on a little island of Miranda and watching everyone else's life go by..

Its not where I want to be..

and it gets me really sad..

I kind of just want to be done now..

just with everything.

maybe if I went somewhere else,

I could be seen as what I am.

What I could be,

And not what I've done,

Or who I've been.

And I'm just a little on edge right now

And you showing up today didn't help.

asshole.

My Online Gym Class Told Me To Excercise

So I'm exercising my fingers.
I found a loophole.

So yesterday morning was fun. even though the hour I spent in the sun now has my cheeks a nice shade of red.
I learned almost ALL the new freshmen's names! I was very proud of myself! I'm usually really bad at that.
BUT.. We have twins coming in. and there are ZERO differences. I even asked them for some.
Kyle and Keaton. You shall be my downfall at memorizing names.
But my old book-buddy Ben was there. Aw he's so grown up now. And a wicked flirt.
He's like flirting with all his little friends.
This is going to be troublesome.
But I have a huge heart for them already.
:]

Blech.
So, my not liking anyone is going SO WELL! (not sarcasm)
Like I just don't care.
Its pretty sweet.
THAT is alll i have to say about that.
The end.

College applications.
Retaking second half of Chem.
Rearranging my schedule.
Explaining to colleges that I'm not a normal kid.
That stuff happened. That I couldn't be in school a lot of the time.
And just pray that they understand.
Sigh.

So scary to lay yourself at the mercy of other people that don't know you.
They just have all your grades and your name.
And letters saying that you got sick, but you're kinda a nice kid.
Let's just hope that they can see that I try.

Because Its been awhile.

I miss SYMS. I almost wish I had chosen to go this year, but I know that it would have been bad for me.
I would have been more concerned with how I was the girl without the summer fling than how I was the girl with the greatest Lover. And that would have been three steps back.

I really like the place I'm in right now, I like being able to ignore earthly desires. Which is probably weird for an 18 year old girl to be saying- but I'm not my own.
Why would I be putting images of guys and sex into my mind when I want to focus my mind and my heart on God? That would just be dumb.
My body is not my own.
My heart is not my own.
My soul is not my own.
These things I've given to God, and when earthly desires sneak up, I pray that God would capture them again.
For God is jealous for my heart :]
That is astounding to me.. Completely.
Just think about that.
The God of the universe, Creator of all, is jealous for you.
:]

Love Is Here.

SO EXCITED.

last night/this morning was like the BEST MOST AMAZING God time EVER.

:]

This is why I'm in NH, I needed to be alone with God.

Like a hand print on my heart...

I don't miss you.
I feel like I should but I don't.
I always felt hardened around you.
Its not okay and I'm gone.
When I walked out that door.
I walked out for good...
You've impacted my life forever..
But I can't be close to you anymore.
Its hard and it sucks and you were my safety net
but its about time I did this on my own..

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend...

I can't do it anymore.

I really can't believe how amazingly uneventful this summer has been so far.

I'm okay with that, but I'm ready to start doing stuff.

MORGAN COME BACK FROM CALIFORNIA!!

I miss you :(

even though we text like 87645807807 times a day.

I wouldn't have survived this long without Ryan though.

He's so awesome. I have the best little brother. We do the most random stuff during the day but its always wicked fun.

:D

I wish I was in Kansas with Kenny and Cam.

but God has things for me in NH this summer so in NH i shall stay :]

This Too Shall Pass.

Ohmygosh.

I couldn't even explain how much I would like to punch something or someone.

I don't know why my heart beats a thousand times harder with you, its not something I can help.

I don't understand. I don't like you.

I shouldn't like you I mean.

Finals are almost over which means that school is almost over.

Which is amazing I cannot wait until I can sleep until two and then hangout with people until four in the morning. :]

ah summer<3

It would be nice to be so close to God and not be under a hardcore attack constantly.

Joshua 3:5

God told me to look at this verse during worship at Pulse and then when I got home everything in my life when to hell.. again.

So I freaked for about 15 minutes and then when I calmed down I went into my room and read the verse.

And here's what I got from it; God is surrounding me with chaos so He can purify me.

So I have to hold tough like one of those shells that holds on to the rocks in the ocean;

I need to cling to where I will be safe.

I will be hit by waves.

My life will be effected.

But my God will be there holding on to me too.

It'd be nice if you came to the rescue...

I think I'm going to join the Navy..

Not as a soldier, but as a nurse.

There's too much turmoil inside my skin to talk about right now.

But I will say this..

If I was dating someone and everytime I got really close with them, I got hurt and my life went to shit, everyone would tell me to break up with them.

Why is God different?

I get close and everything around me falls apart.

I don't want that to happen anymore.

Maybe I just want to walk away..