getting the crazies.

Isolation makes people go crazy.
People end up talking to themselves.
Eating themselves.
I haven't gotten there. not yet anyways.
It would be different, if I was different.
I don't do well on my own.
I'm a people person.
Its understandable though;
I'm very aware of the fact that I look like a freak.
I'm aware that I make noises that make some uncomfortable.
I know that its annoying.
I get that.
its just hard to be alone all the time.
Its hard to have people stare at my making uncontrollable noises.

There are people I turn to a couple of them anyways.
And I don't expect them to want to come see me..
I just wish they would..

What doesn't kill you..

Ugh. I'd rather be able to control my body than go through this.
Flailing my arms around.
Making noises that don't sound like anything.
Bird Squaks. Dino roars.
..the norm, I guess...
I can't help feeling like a freak.
I know its not really me, but I just can't help feeling like I'm a thousand times different than every other kid..
Its so hard to feel confident when I'm doing math problems and flailing my arms.
Its so hard to feel beautiful when I'm contorting my face uncontrollably.
Its so hard to feel good, smart, healthy..
Almost impossible..
I don't like to complain about it, I don't like explaining it..
I don't like my dog staring at me like a freak.. even though everyone else does.
Everyone but my parents..
People look, and I guess I understand. I don't know exactly whats going on inside of me. I don't know why I can't control my body. I don't know why this has come back..

I hate this. Its so uncomfortable; physically and emotionally.

Thanks For That...

I let you in.
like all the way in.
you knew my every fear, every fact, every failure.
And you abandoned me.
you left me there bleeding.
We've come through so much and you just walked away.
And now I'm different around guy friends; and thats mainly because of you.
I don't even know what to say to you.
I'm glad you're losing your job. I'm glad that you're still single and miserable.

you made me so sad and you don't even care..

All I've ever dreamed of to come.

I'm not letting it build up this time, and I think that's making all the difference.

Worried and scared about my daddy.. its usually me, not anyone else.
I don't know what to do from this side..
This isn't what I'm used to, not whats comfortable.
But I'm using everything I have to not break down, but in a healthy way.
:]
I've made a lot of progress. Considering where I was a year ago; mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I think that this could be really good for me.

I Am Free :]

I'm going to ramble on and on about how amazing God is.
Just because I'm like.. exploding with love for Him :]
okay SO!
Wouldn't it be awesome to know and talk to someone who like knows literally EVERYTHING. who knows exactly how everything is going to turn out. who knows your every thought, your every dream, your every struggle, your every desire.
And wouldn't it be awesome to know that the One who made everything you can see, and everything you CAN'T see loves you. no total understatement. who loves YOU so much that He would give up His son to die in the way they killed criminals.
HE LOVES YOU THAT MUCH!
He loves you enough to forget EVERYTHING you've done, everything you will do.
Please understand that this totally BLOWS my mind in like every way possible.
EVERYTHING... Crazy.
GAH! God is just so beyond amazing. Beyond awesome. Beyond everything and anything out there.
phew. Now I'm going to go in my room and sing and pray and get excited. :]

ickyickyicky

Holy Moses! So tired man.
I've been exhausted for four days straight=NO fun

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE
Psalm 32!
READ IT READ IT READ IT!
:]

Having a goal is always either really great for me or TERRIBLE for me.
And I have a new goal; NCAVC<3
kind of like Criminal Minds.
(but its actually nothing like that in real life)
I'm so excited :]
I've started doing the FBI circet training today.
I'm going to do that everrryyyday from now until I get into the FBI <3

LOST is onn :D
LASTT season :] so exciting i love it<3

I keep falling asleep.. And I'm not sure why. Its creeping me out..
I'm also ticing like a monster.. NO FUN.