Reality Hits Home.

I know I haven't written in a while but..

This week is nuts. So scary. So surreal.
Me in the hospital seemed bad enough.
Unbelievable pain. Drugged up. Scared.
I'd relive that a hundred thousand times to "fix" the past 24 hours..

Uncle Dave; you weren't even MY uncle. But you were so awesome. The way you made my bestfriend light up every time you said something inappropriate was inspiring.. You meant the world to her. You treated me like family. You let me come over to play with kittens. You had a ginormous heart. You'll be missed. Truly. By all.

Alexis. I didn't even know you. I passed you in the halls. I glanced by you.. And now you're gone. I'll never be able to say hi to you. But thank you. I've learned a valuable lesson. A couple actually. But never again will I just glance by a person day after day. May you rest in peace.

My appendix is gone now. But it seems so tiny like I shouldn't complain about the pain. I still have my life, my friends, my family and people dear to me don't..
This is so surreal. All of it..
God, help me not drown..

After all this has passed,

i still will remain
After i've cried my last,
there'll be beauty from pain

my whole world is the pain inside me.
the best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place..

I guess this is it.
I've been getting through days. every day at a time.
But there's no one at the end of the finish line of everyday saying that I did okay.
In fact its usually the opposite.

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down

I look back and see where I've come from.
I've made so much progress.
but why do I want to go back to that?
Why do I want to explode?
Why do I want to breakdown? scream? hurt? implode?
THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!

Its funny that whenever I'm upset Superchick always speaks to me.
even when I was in that place.
That place where I don't remember going to school or doing anything.
Everything during those months is blurry.
Like they never happened.
But they did.



No one talks to her, she feels so alone
Shes in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made

It sucked not being there with plastic spoons. signing out pens.
it was coming home. that made it real.

I need to ask for a favor.
I'm not actually expecting anyone to be reading this.
Because I honestly doubt anyone does...
but if you do.
Tell me I did okay.
Tell me I did well.
I don't get to have a 'you done good kid'
and I need one.

I've been so strong for so long.
I don't think I can be strong anymore.

New Year.

Can I make this new year a new start?
I want to.
But if I dive in, i'm not sure I can swim.
And I don't want to risk drowning again..

I'mmm Harry Pottterr :D

Harry Potter Exhibit at Boston Museum of Science :D

SO AMAZING!

Hogwarts Express IN REAL LIFE!!!

Holy smokes!

IloveloveloveloveloveHarryPotter.

Best time of my lifeee<33

HolyMoley

MORGANCOFFEY!!

You are amazingg.

I lovelovelove you<3

Galen is such a sweetheart and I think he's awesome for you<3

You guys are so so so so cute together :D

God is helping me out a lot lately.

I mean he helps me not breakdown in public anymore, which is kinda a biggbigg deal.

I'm veryveryvery thankful for that. I dont even have to worry about it anymore.

I love You. Thank you<3

Somewhere Weakness Is Our Strength..

I'm pretty much done with letting you run my life.

You've had control, all the control, for way too long.

Everything I do, you come into play.

Every friendship.

Every class.

Every relationship.

How I interact with people.

How I over share.

How I'm afraid of you.

You have control, and I'm not okay with that.

I just don't know how to have the control.. Its been so long.

Maybe if I just could forget all about you.

Just erase you out of my life.

But it doesn't work like that.

I wish it did, but it doesn't.

I have to work through everyday trying to be okay with what you did.

You get to walk right past me everyday, look through me.

I have no respect for you.

I never will.

I'm sorry I talk about him so much.

He's just kind of destroying my insides and has been for awhile...

I'm so worried about you.

You messed up and you know that.

But you're going in the wrong direction.

You shouldn't be with him. He's distancing you from God.

Even I can see it.

Sure you're still really sweet and kind and listen..

But God's not really in control with you anymore..

I'm sorry, but it sucks for me to see that because I looked up to you in a spiritual way..

thank God for Meg <3

She gave me the push I'd been waiting for. The one I needed.

'She deals with kids with abuse in their pasts'

Thank you.

I'm excited to go to coffee with Jill.

Get to know her, see how we click...

If anything I need right now, I need a mentor...

Someone I can go up to and be like 'GAH HELP!'

Because I don't really have that now..

Ugh. This one's really long. Sorry for that I guess.

I have so much going on inside my head. Its like a whirlwind of emotions..

Like this blur of so many things that I don't know how I really feel anymore..

I'm sorry.. I'm trying.

But maybe trying isn't enough..

I'll try to work this out..

Suddenly I'm merging with grace..

I feel good about Christmas.

I think Nadia had a good time.

I was just really excited to have the chance to do something for her.

My family wasn't too terrifying for her.

thats good.

:]

I got A NEW CLARINETTTT!!!

diegsflygelqifg

I like peed myself! :D

so so so beautiful.

My beautiful Buffet clarinet <3333

Mine. wow.

Also...

BRAND new camera :D

yayayayyayyayy!

I missed having a cameraa!!

Unusually good mood today.

I wanna go see New Moon.

but I don't know who to ask.

ugh insecurities :[

Maybe I could ask him. He wouldn't go though.

Or maybe she would.. She's probably already seen it.

I'm lamewadtastic.

Apparently I can't really avoid him anymore.

I tried and it didn't work.

This really sucks because I have to put everything I've been blocking out to the very front of my mind.

Not. Fun.

All the emotions.

All the memories.

All coming back to slap me in the face again.

:/ really lame.

Though it won't be today, Someday i'll hope again

I don't even know what to say to you.
You made this decision with me.
and you run away.
I wish that everytime I hit you I could just have you to myself.
you don't even understand what you're doing to me.
Three days ago, you like me and want to date.
Today. You don't even want to touch me.
WHAT is wrong with you?!
Ugh.
I'm done.
(i'mjustsayingthat)

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.
I can't handle this.
Not by myself. But I don't want to drag anyone into this.
This is a pain that is unsharable.
This pain causes hate and fear. Tears..
Most scary of all.. vulnerability...
God. I have him.
butineedahug.
I need something, someone to cling to.
God. I have him.
but i'm not sure I can handle this..
I need some hope.
More than anything else.
I've forgotten to..
I cling to your promise, there will be a dawn
I just got its coming soon.
I just don't know how I'm going to be able to deal with this.
By myself.
'Get over it'
'You're giving him more power by crying, feeling sad, feeling hopeless'
'You should just forget about it'
No.
You have no idea how this has eaten me completely.
Acid-like. Eaten away at the very existence of me.
I'm so used to smiling and working on everyone else..
I can't smile and deal with this.
I can't deal with this at all.
I feel like one single person on an island.
An island too far from land to swim to. but close enough to see.
To see everyone else.
Being happy.
Laughing.
Being able to date and not be petrified.
I wonder if you know that.
I wonder if you even remember, or care for that matter.
I wonder if you know how my body screams for me to run like hell whenever you enter a room.
I wonder what you would say if you did.
If you knew how afraid of you I am. Still to this day.
How the dislike of you wells up in my body every time you get in front of a class.
I wonder how your friends would react, if they knew.
You.
Perfect you.
Straight A's you.
NHS you.
Talented musican.
Amazing athlete.
Rapist.
I hate you.
HATEISASINHATEISASIN.

Which one doesn't fit?