Yeah He likes his fishing pole..

So on Saturday I realized that I've given way too much of my heart away.

I know its stupid but I can't understand anything fully until I have a metaphor to go along with it.

Everyone and their brother has taken a sip from my water bottle..

I guess that it hit me hard when he said that you can't get any of your heart back.

I guess my hearts only half as full as it was at the beginning..

I want my future husband to be be able to have all of my heart (BESIDES FOR GOD)

and that can be the complete truth..

not anymore.

but I can try to hold on to the heart that I have.

I need to concentrate on holding onto my heart for two men; God and my husband.

My Future Husband..

that sounds so creepy.

so far away..

something I have to strive for.

something I have to save everything for.

something I don't know will happen..

Its weird to thnk of myself as "Future Wife to..."

To whomever God has made for me I suppose..

But the who part of that is what worries me.

I'M NOT PLANNING ON GETTING MARRIED ANYTIME SOON AND I'M STRESSED!

:[

I need to stop thinking about boys.

Because currently boys are my only option.

and I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a boy...

and you are a boy. Not a man.

Not what I need. Not what I'm looking for.

I DON'T need someone.

I just don't.

I would like to have someone close. Someone that I can like but not date.

Someone to have.

Someone to think I could date.. Someone that I could see myself with..

STOP you don't need it.

but it would be nice...

Hm.

I dunno.

God's gotta take the wheel on this one, because I have no idea why I can't do this..

Ihatedayslikethis.

I.

Am.

Going.

To.

Scream.

I don't understand how my mother thinks I can do the five things she asks of me at the same time.

I finish one to get yelled at for not doing the other four.

Thanks.

Merryy Christmas.

We're so dysfunctional..

She spent like half an hour in the bathroom crying because she couldn't fix the toilet.

Crying about how she's all alone.

really mom?

really?

because I have to deal with your shit all the time

shut up.

Don't sit there and bitch about how dad isn't here to help.

YOU MADE THAT DECISION.

Today is not a good day.

Beauty From Pain.

Every detail.
Every second.
Every look.
Every Touch.
I have to recall.
from my biggest nightmare.
the nightmare I lived through.
You can look right past me.
You have no reaction.
That makes you so much more a monster.
HATEISASIN
HATEISASIN.
Is it bad I have to yell that in my head every time I see you?

I wonder if you think about me..
about what you did...
about how you ruined me..

I want to talk to you.
I don't know how.
but I will.

Everything looks Perfect.. From Far Away.

Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

Ugh. its happening again. I can just feel myself turning off.
Slowly now.
Make one less joke everyday.
Hope no one notices when you disappear completely.
but make sure its gradual. No need to call for help, Miranda. Thats a sign of weakness.
You Are Not Allowed To Be Weak
Last time you were weak, do you remember what happened?!
I can't be weak. But I suppose weak would feel better than this false sense of strength.

I wish we were a thousand times LESS complicated :/
Dude. Can we PLEASE sort this out?!
All of my actions have been aimed toward a certain outcome that you won't let happen.

What does it take to get a drink in this place?

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart?

You confuse me.
and you hurt me.
I don't even want to do our handshake ever again.
Whatever.
if you can just brush me off like that.. then I should be able to brush you off..
but I know I won't.
because I know I can't.


This week was really not fun.
MINUSSSSSSSS;;;;;
morgancoffeey being the most amazing grocery shoppper.
SNOWDAYYY!
First pretty snow fall.
annndd thats it.
win?
no.

....What do I call you?

So. I'm not allowed to date you.
because of your sister?
excuse me if I'm a little.. bitter.
but that doesn't make ANY sense.
we've been best friends a year and she didn't even KNOW!
You confuse me more than anyone.
going out?
maybe.
Friends with Benefits?
you should know me better than that.
just Friends?
maybe that's not enough for me anymore..
I get it if you don't want anyone to know..
I do I understand.
But.. why work me up like this to let me down the next minute??
I wish I could be inside your head for 2 minutes just to know what you're thinking..
I want this to happen.
I've wanted this to happen for a year..
Don't talk about doing it and then take it back.
We know each other well enough to not let each other ruin this.

Not only you.
hardest chem test EVER.
EVER.
I had a mild panic attack half way through.
Why can't I handle myself?
Legit what is wrong with me lately?!

Can I just curl up into a ball and just cry for hours?
no, I can't.
why?
because I have to be strong for everyone else.
I can't let these people down.
I can't let them see me sad.
I can't let them see all I'm hiding.
All the things that are bubbling up inside me and eating away at my insides.
I just want this to just be done.
everything.
I just.. can't handle this anymore..
I give up.
not in the way that I'm going to go crazy and try to kill myself..
but enough that I just might start to shut down again..
but I CAN'T
not for me though, but for everyone else.
These people build me up and the I play Jenga with my sanity..
THATS NOT NORMAL!
"Hey Meg, how are you? oh me? I'm just fine.. thanks for helping me"
thats about to turn into
"Hey Meg, can't talk.. bye."
which turns into
"Miranda you're never there we can't be friends anymore."
Do not break down.
do not break down.
do not break down.
I'm sorry I'm a wreck all the time.
I don't know how to not be a wreck.

Adam. hey its Miranda..
Miranda as in the girl you call your best friend until she says something you don't agree with and then you run away from her and leave her all alone without you..
thanks for that buddy..


Today was a terrible day..

I just got something..

Reckless is the bread and butter of my relationship with God.
I haven't been in two weeks..
This makes sense in a way.
but also.. I have a big snack called.. THE BIBLE!
Well.. I'm off for a snack :]

Meg..
You amaze me.
I love you so much.
Anytime you need ANYthing.
I'm here okay?