Ihatedayslikethis.

I.

Am.

Going.

To.

Scream.

I don't understand how my mother thinks I can do the five things she asks of me at the same time.

I finish one to get yelled at for not doing the other four.

Thanks.

Merryy Christmas.

We're so dysfunctional..

She spent like half an hour in the bathroom crying because she couldn't fix the toilet.

Crying about how she's all alone.

really mom?

really?

because I have to deal with your shit all the time

shut up.

Don't sit there and bitch about how dad isn't here to help.

YOU MADE THAT DECISION.

Today is not a good day.

Beauty From Pain.

Every detail.
Every second.
Every look.
Every Touch.
I have to recall.
from my biggest nightmare.
the nightmare I lived through.
You can look right past me.
You have no reaction.
That makes you so much more a monster.
HATEISASIN
HATEISASIN.
Is it bad I have to yell that in my head every time I see you?

I wonder if you think about me..
about what you did...
about how you ruined me..

I want to talk to you.
I don't know how.
but I will.

Everything looks Perfect.. From Far Away.

Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

Ugh. its happening again. I can just feel myself turning off.
Slowly now.
Make one less joke everyday.
Hope no one notices when you disappear completely.
but make sure its gradual. No need to call for help, Miranda. Thats a sign of weakness.
You Are Not Allowed To Be Weak
Last time you were weak, do you remember what happened?!
I can't be weak. But I suppose weak would feel better than this false sense of strength.

I wish we were a thousand times LESS complicated :/
Dude. Can we PLEASE sort this out?!
All of my actions have been aimed toward a certain outcome that you won't let happen.

What does it take to get a drink in this place?

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart?

You confuse me.
and you hurt me.
I don't even want to do our handshake ever again.
Whatever.
if you can just brush me off like that.. then I should be able to brush you off..
but I know I won't.
because I know I can't.


This week was really not fun.
MINUSSSSSSSS;;;;;
morgancoffeey being the most amazing grocery shoppper.
SNOWDAYYY!
First pretty snow fall.
annndd thats it.
win?
no.

....What do I call you?

So. I'm not allowed to date you.
because of your sister?
excuse me if I'm a little.. bitter.
but that doesn't make ANY sense.
we've been best friends a year and she didn't even KNOW!
You confuse me more than anyone.
going out?
maybe.
Friends with Benefits?
you should know me better than that.
just Friends?
maybe that's not enough for me anymore..
I get it if you don't want anyone to know..
I do I understand.
But.. why work me up like this to let me down the next minute??
I wish I could be inside your head for 2 minutes just to know what you're thinking..
I want this to happen.
I've wanted this to happen for a year..
Don't talk about doing it and then take it back.
We know each other well enough to not let each other ruin this.

Not only you.
hardest chem test EVER.
EVER.
I had a mild panic attack half way through.
Why can't I handle myself?
Legit what is wrong with me lately?!

Can I just curl up into a ball and just cry for hours?
no, I can't.
why?
because I have to be strong for everyone else.
I can't let these people down.
I can't let them see me sad.
I can't let them see all I'm hiding.
All the things that are bubbling up inside me and eating away at my insides.
I just want this to just be done.
everything.
I just.. can't handle this anymore..
I give up.
not in the way that I'm going to go crazy and try to kill myself..
but enough that I just might start to shut down again..
but I CAN'T
not for me though, but for everyone else.
These people build me up and the I play Jenga with my sanity..
THATS NOT NORMAL!
"Hey Meg, how are you? oh me? I'm just fine.. thanks for helping me"
thats about to turn into
"Hey Meg, can't talk.. bye."
which turns into
"Miranda you're never there we can't be friends anymore."
Do not break down.
do not break down.
do not break down.
I'm sorry I'm a wreck all the time.
I don't know how to not be a wreck.

Adam. hey its Miranda..
Miranda as in the girl you call your best friend until she says something you don't agree with and then you run away from her and leave her all alone without you..
thanks for that buddy..


Today was a terrible day..

I just got something..

Reckless is the bread and butter of my relationship with God.
I haven't been in two weeks..
This makes sense in a way.
but also.. I have a big snack called.. THE BIBLE!
Well.. I'm off for a snack :]

Meg..
You amaze me.
I love you so much.
Anytime you need ANYthing.
I'm here okay?

Epic. Failure.

a shadow.
That's all I feel like lately.
I exsist, but not in reality.
Why am I so sensitive?
WHAT have I stopped doing right?
Why can't I talk to You anymore?
Everytime I feel close, its ripped away from me. what is this?!
I can't handle this.
I felt right again.
for like a month.
now I'm just the shadow of myself yet again.
How could I let this happen?
WHY aren't you talking through them anymore? When you know that I hear You the most..
I miss You.
I need You.
What do I do to get close to You again?
I'm sorry I'm far away again..
Meet me half way?