So Close I can Taste it.

So.. Fuck.
I have ONE FUCKING PAPER to write, and its due (of course) tomorrow.  then I'm DONE.
Except for that thing called a May course that I'm taking..
WHY DID I DO THAT?
Here's my advice: just don't go to college. or go to college and only smoke weed.  or go to college and only study. or go to college, fail out and become a hairdresser.
Good choices.

Last Night

• I was ready to drop out. I'm literally on the edge of giving up.
• I need a new pack of cigarettes. I always vow to quit. "This is my last pack" "this is my last smoke" I know I'm constantly lying.
• I need to write an analysis paper on something that didn't have an impact on me. gross.
• I need to write two essays on Existentialism. I might throw up if I try to do that.. so.. no.
• I also have to get ready for pledging tonight. Being pledge-mistress and all, I probably should be on top of that shit.
• Ugh. I give up.
• My tics are back and I feel like they'll never go away. I hate them. I hate myself that I have them. I hate everything about them.

A case of the Tuesdays.

Tuesdays are without a doubt my hardest days at school. I hate them.
Teaching Portfolio 8:15 to 9:30
Practicum 9:50-11:30
Meaning of the Media Image 1-2:20

And theeeeeeen I do allllll of that homework.
And then I have a Kappa meeting. Stellar.
Buuutt I also get to see Bryan on Tuesdays, so all things considered, it's not THAT bad :]


I'm very tired and have to read thirty pages in two books.. I can't understand the kids who party every night, when the fuck do you do homework? oh right...

Tumblr took over. Opps.

I'm not exactly sure how to catch up on everything that Blogger has missed. So I think I'll use bullet points to make it easier.

• Bryan I don't even know how to put Bryan into words. I've talked about "love" and my lack of belief of it. And this boy fucked that all up. If I were ever to draw you a picture with a full description of who
  I was going to end up with, it would be NOTHING like Bryan. Bryan is sweet and kind and listens and sits there while I yell about my mom and my dad and my stress and my sisters and my brothers. He sits there and lets me get it all out of me. He holds me. He chases me when I'm stubborn and refuse to talk. He tells me to shut the fuck up when I'm talk too much. He's everything I'm not. I never even believed relationships like this existed. I never thought that real life, cold, hard, mean, real life could feel like this. Its as if someone wanted to prove me wrong in every aspect. We've been together for seven and a half months. He's it. There couldn't ever be anything else like this.. 
• Kappa I'm not someone who gets along with girls very easily. They're messy and hard to deal with and stupid. I don't sound like someone to join a sorority, but I did. I love my sisters. I would do anything for them. They've become my family, which means at times I fucking hate them, but at the end of the day (or month) I love them all. We're recruiting now and I'm so excited for new girls to become part of our sisterhood.<3 Kappa Delta Phi NAS has become my family. On my birthday they got me balloons to make sure that I smiled. (twenty was very hard to come to grips with) I'm not sure how they do it, but they keep me strong. We keep each other sane.<3
• College! I'm going to keep this one brief because, well, i don't want to talk about it. There are very stupid people in college. In fact, yesterday I saw a girl walking BAREFOOT in the SNOW for a solid half mile. (Darwin's proven correct once more.) There's a ton of stupid things done and said. But I like being in college, it's fun and exciting and I'm learning a fuck ton.

But its hard. There are constantly temptations to fuck things up for myself. I'm living by myself in a double so half of the room is completely empty. When you have insomnia and its four in the morning and you're by yourself in a new place and you have so many resources to destroy yourself, it's fucking hard not to. I made a sister take all of my extra razor heads. I purposely left all my knives at home. But there's always Excedrin. there's medicine and washing detergent. There's always a way to hurt. And everyday. Every single day I have to choose not to. After awhile it gets hard to make that choice. Writing papers and studying for finals, that choice gets hard. Every day is a challenge

Strength.

I'm wondering how long I can be strong for every one around me before I break in a million little pieces.

So afraid of getting older, I'm only good at being young

So I cried a lot today. The majority of it was in Bryan's car while trying to explain how excited I am for college, while at the same time I want to curl up in bed with my mom and cry and pretend its never going to happen.. But it is, I have half of my books, I have pillows and towels; clothes hangers and a mattress pad; storage and a fridge. Yet buying those things in full knowledge that I was going to go away and use them didn't really hit me. Its hitting my mom and my little brother, but until this night, it hadn't hit me.
I want to know when I became a grown up.
I don't know when to tell when I have a fever. I don't know how to get through the night by myself when I have a bad dream. What if I throw up?
I've done these things at home, but I could always go downstairs and get my mom.. And that's changing and I'm petrified..
Holy crap..

I am The Luckiest.

So you know that moment where after you say "I don't believe in_____" or "______ doesn't exist/isn't possible" etc. and then two weeks later you're ass deep in whatever ______ is.
I guess past experiences and letdowns and stumbles and family situations had made it impossible for me to believe that two people can be happy together. Even if they had everything in common, even if they were "perfect" for each other. I didn't really believe that you could be made happier by someone else. I still believe you have to make yourself happy first, don't get me wrong, but now I believe that sometimes someone can come into your life and not exactly change everything, but change your views on things, make you think about things in a different light.
But I'm happy. In fact, I'm not being pessimistic that much. (Which is crazy because I am the queen of negative thoughts.)
But I'm going to college. Granted i'm not going that far, but i am leaving him behind. We had a college talk that went kinda like this:
"hey please don't fall in love with a crazily attractive girl who likes Japanese cartoons and collects action figures"
"I couldn't even think of it"

it'll be okay. it'll be okay. it'll be okay. it'll be okay.

I wonder..

So this just kinda happened in my head.

I wonder sometimes how many 12 year old girls watch MTV and then damn themselves for not having six packs, or DD cup breasts. I wonder how many of those girls starve or binge themselves to the verge of death to make it feel better.

I wonder how many boys watch movies where hitting women is okay, or watch porn where the female is choked, slapped, beaten, gang banged and develop the thought process that girls are okay to hit.

I wonder how many kids in broken homes feel like they need to do anything to be loved. I wonder how many of those kids grow up to be the abuser or the abused. Emulating their parents' insanity.

How many girls are taken advantage of and grow up too fast or destroy their bodies through self mutilation or throwing themselves towards abusive men.

How many lives are destroyed, dismantled by what someone saw when they were young? How many lives could have been saved by preventing that or simply being on the other side of a phone. How many people would you save if you thought you could help them?

Maybe people have to look outward instead of examining their own pain constantly.

Excuse me

while my past ruins my present.

I love this

I have so much going on right now I feel like a plate spinner.
Maybe when I go to Sanibel with Mommy I'll start thinking more clearly.

104 Days

Until college.

I don't want to be in this stage of my life anymore. i just want to move on, leave things and people and stupidness behind. I honestly hate high school, being in it. I feel trapped there and I always have.. I don't exactly know why but I don't think I ever fit there, maybe that's insecure or juvenile, but its how I feel. I never really had a set group of friends until this year- mainly because I wasn't in school enough to even know people's names but still. There was never a sense of belonging for me never the "I'm a high schooler and you're a high schooler. YEAH!" High School wasn't my niche.

I cannot help but wonder what my roommate is going to be like. Ex. My mom will mention getting a certain food for my room to snack on and I immediately think 'what if my roommate is allergic or doesn't like it? Or thinks I'm wicked stupid for bringing food?' I'm probably not the only one who does that- but thinking about someone that A) I don't know and B) isn't definite to share a room with me yet.

I just want it to be here.

I wish my mom wasn't such a slut.

Great example, cunt.

132 Days Until College

the confessing kind of tired. So here we are.

I have a serious problem with the fact that you only come to me when you're a mess. I get things are shit right now. I DO, more than you know. You weren't there to see me crash and burn, but I did and it wasn't pretty and I had to fucking climb my way out of that. I feel like you want me to pick you up out of it, that is something I cannot do. I CAN be there. I CAN talk to you. I CAN try to make it better. But, sometimes, I'm tired. Sometimes, I'm really upset, sad, angry. I've been putting you before myself and I shouldn't. As selfish as that sounds, I can't go back to that place.

I ALSO have a serious problem with "oh Miranda I need a drink so bad right now" STOP. You are young. You are making a habit that could kill you. Its dangerous and I love you far too much to watch you go down that path.

I saw a picture of you today and I hurt. like something physically pained me to see you. Its not that I feel for you, its not that I want to get back together. Its just, I saw you. I saw your eyes and remembered them really close to mine. You can grow facial hair better now. I'm so happy you don't go to Central. I'd fucking die.

I am not meant to take care of people.

Yet every Friday night, thats exactly what I'm doing.

All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing.

I don't even feel like a person anymore, how bad is that?
I feel like I'm a constant string of situations.
I hate chaos, but I tweak in peace.
"All that I know is I'm breathing now"
I have plans. I have things to look forward to. I feel like I'm on hold for those things, everything right now is crappy eighties music and a reminder "don't die, you life is important to us, please continue waiting."
When it comes, when all I'm waiting for is in the rear view, there will be more things to wait about.

I made a "To-Do List" for a day. I did two items. There were nine. The two I did were the least important. Good job Miranda.

Also. A big 'fuck you' to best guy friend failure. You're a douche, as always.

I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck

I don't get along with most girls. I can talk to them and be nice and friendly and such, but not really connect. My best friend is the only girl I've really opened up completely with.

i feel "big sister" to guys. Its what I do, I don't really know why. Make sure they don't turn into what I fear I guess. I've never felt "big sister" to a girl. Until this year and because I don't know how to handle it I haven't acted on it, and I feel like I should have. I relate to her, I want to protect her, I want her to know how beautiful she is. That isn't me. I am a pessimist. except for people I talk to, people I'm really close to. I doubt about hope a lot, but I try to instill it in other people.

Maybe I can "big sister" girls.. Possibly. We'll see.

pretty in pink.

I'm petrified of prom dress shopping.
I've found several in my size and that I love.
I just have this vision of walking into a store, telling them what I want and them laughing or nothing fitting.
My body is too awkward.
Time to starve, overwork out, and feel like shit.
Happy almost prom season kids!

douchebag is so last season

"I'm calling out to you from the basement
I got a need to feel so I Shake! Shake!
You got a problem with me, say it"
-the Subways

You think you're the shit.
Just take "the" out of that sentence and you're right.

178 Days

In 178 days I will be moving a bunch of stuff into a tiny room I'll be sharing with someone else for a year.
In 178 days my dreams begin to come true. I become a student. I get a new start. I get to be whatever I damn well please. I will meet people and make new friends. Meet people in my major. People who won't laugh when I tell them why I want to teach.
In 178 days I leave my home, where I've lived literally my entire life.
In 178 days I will be able to stay out, or stay in. Make choices on my own. Choose my own path.
In 178 days I'm where I want to be.