So Close I can Taste it.

So.. Fuck.
I have ONE FUCKING PAPER to write, and its due (of course) tomorrow.  then I'm DONE.
Except for that thing called a May course that I'm taking..
WHY DID I DO THAT?
Here's my advice: just don't go to college. or go to college and only smoke weed.  or go to college and only study. or go to college, fail out and become a hairdresser.
Good choices.

Last Night

• I was ready to drop out. I'm literally on the edge of giving up.
• I need a new pack of cigarettes. I always vow to quit. "This is my last pack" "this is my last smoke" I know I'm constantly lying.
• I need to write an analysis paper on something that didn't have an impact on me. gross.
• I need to write two essays on Existentialism. I might throw up if I try to do that.. so.. no.
• I also have to get ready for pledging tonight. Being pledge-mistress and all, I probably should be on top of that shit.
• Ugh. I give up.
• My tics are back and I feel like they'll never go away. I hate them. I hate myself that I have them. I hate everything about them.

A case of the Tuesdays.

Tuesdays are without a doubt my hardest days at school. I hate them.
Teaching Portfolio 8:15 to 9:30
Practicum 9:50-11:30
Meaning of the Media Image 1-2:20

And theeeeeeen I do allllll of that homework.
And then I have a Kappa meeting. Stellar.
Buuutt I also get to see Bryan on Tuesdays, so all things considered, it's not THAT bad :]


I'm very tired and have to read thirty pages in two books.. I can't understand the kids who party every night, when the fuck do you do homework? oh right...

Tumblr took over. Opps.

I'm not exactly sure how to catch up on everything that Blogger has missed. So I think I'll use bullet points to make it easier.

• Bryan I don't even know how to put Bryan into words. I've talked about "love" and my lack of belief of it. And this boy fucked that all up. If I were ever to draw you a picture with a full description of who
  I was going to end up with, it would be NOTHING like Bryan. Bryan is sweet and kind and listens and sits there while I yell about my mom and my dad and my stress and my sisters and my brothers. He sits there and lets me get it all out of me. He holds me. He chases me when I'm stubborn and refuse to talk. He tells me to shut the fuck up when I'm talk too much. He's everything I'm not. I never even believed relationships like this existed. I never thought that real life, cold, hard, mean, real life could feel like this. Its as if someone wanted to prove me wrong in every aspect. We've been together for seven and a half months. He's it. There couldn't ever be anything else like this.. 
• Kappa I'm not someone who gets along with girls very easily. They're messy and hard to deal with and stupid. I don't sound like someone to join a sorority, but I did. I love my sisters. I would do anything for them. They've become my family, which means at times I fucking hate them, but at the end of the day (or month) I love them all. We're recruiting now and I'm so excited for new girls to become part of our sisterhood.<3 Kappa Delta Phi NAS has become my family. On my birthday they got me balloons to make sure that I smiled. (twenty was very hard to come to grips with) I'm not sure how they do it, but they keep me strong. We keep each other sane.<3
• College! I'm going to keep this one brief because, well, i don't want to talk about it. There are very stupid people in college. In fact, yesterday I saw a girl walking BAREFOOT in the SNOW for a solid half mile. (Darwin's proven correct once more.) There's a ton of stupid things done and said. But I like being in college, it's fun and exciting and I'm learning a fuck ton.

But its hard. There are constantly temptations to fuck things up for myself. I'm living by myself in a double so half of the room is completely empty. When you have insomnia and its four in the morning and you're by yourself in a new place and you have so many resources to destroy yourself, it's fucking hard not to. I made a sister take all of my extra razor heads. I purposely left all my knives at home. But there's always Excedrin. there's medicine and washing detergent. There's always a way to hurt. And everyday. Every single day I have to choose not to. After awhile it gets hard to make that choice. Writing papers and studying for finals, that choice gets hard. Every day is a challenge

Strength.

I'm wondering how long I can be strong for every one around me before I break in a million little pieces.

So afraid of getting older, I'm only good at being young

So I cried a lot today. The majority of it was in Bryan's car while trying to explain how excited I am for college, while at the same time I want to curl up in bed with my mom and cry and pretend its never going to happen.. But it is, I have half of my books, I have pillows and towels; clothes hangers and a mattress pad; storage and a fridge. Yet buying those things in full knowledge that I was going to go away and use them didn't really hit me. Its hitting my mom and my little brother, but until this night, it hadn't hit me.
I want to know when I became a grown up.
I don't know when to tell when I have a fever. I don't know how to get through the night by myself when I have a bad dream. What if I throw up?
I've done these things at home, but I could always go downstairs and get my mom.. And that's changing and I'm petrified..
Holy crap..

I am The Luckiest.

So you know that moment where after you say "I don't believe in_____" or "______ doesn't exist/isn't possible" etc. and then two weeks later you're ass deep in whatever ______ is.
I guess past experiences and letdowns and stumbles and family situations had made it impossible for me to believe that two people can be happy together. Even if they had everything in common, even if they were "perfect" for each other. I didn't really believe that you could be made happier by someone else. I still believe you have to make yourself happy first, don't get me wrong, but now I believe that sometimes someone can come into your life and not exactly change everything, but change your views on things, make you think about things in a different light.
But I'm happy. In fact, I'm not being pessimistic that much. (Which is crazy because I am the queen of negative thoughts.)
But I'm going to college. Granted i'm not going that far, but i am leaving him behind. We had a college talk that went kinda like this:
"hey please don't fall in love with a crazily attractive girl who likes Japanese cartoons and collects action figures"
"I couldn't even think of it"

it'll be okay. it'll be okay. it'll be okay. it'll be okay.